Why is it I can never sleep ??
Ever since I was little, unless I'm.. lmao I don't even know the word in English.. just spoken in Italian ! Never realized that. Basically, ready to drop is when I sleep.
I've been thinking about the past, and fearing the future. To put it mildly GOD, [SAS], and maybe the Dogs are really the only good things to have impacted my life in recent years. Once I contemplated suicide but I couldn't figure out a fool proof way. When I finally did, I had just found my reason for living. I guess it could be guessed from my word ordering which that was.
As for the other, the one place where my sanity is preserved... Online is the one place I'm free. I can be me and not have to deal with the consequences (read aggravation) from those that are against it. I live in the freest country in the world.. but I'm not a free man. But with the [SAS] I have some thing to look forward to. I'd rather be spending time with my teammates clearing rooms then a lot of the other crap I spend my days doing.
I just wish there was some thing more to my life, some thing different. Its hard to put my finger on it.. but I know its missing one way or the other. And there's nothing I can see to do about it.
I remember some thing I once wrote, today I know not if it would have been better to have burned it or not. But.. its, dang blast. It must be going on 3 years now. You could say if the saying "You can't get blood from a stone" was true... the Stone was once made of flesh. Now of ash.. Maybe I should just try to sleep, but then I lay awake and think. My thoughts overwhelm me. One thing I love about the [SAS].... While its like my home away from home, its *not* like my home ! If it was, I don't think it would be the same. For me, I'm an [SAS] man till the day I die, or the day they ban me lol. Someday, I think I'd be one of the happiest people in the world. If I lived to see one of my Children (if my life ever leads that way) Join the team. Randoms probably the longest time member, hope he aways is lol. But I'd rather like to still be one 30 years from now. Some how I wouldn't be surprised if the teams still here in the 2030s even if I'm not alive to see it.
..... Why can't I just sleep !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do I need to bang my head against the wall till I lose consonance ? I'm tired to death of thinking yet I can't stop thinking. I lay back, and see my past behind me. And I see whats missing in my future ahead of me. I just don't know what to do any more.
Life is killing me, bit by bit it is. I know it is, but how do you fight some thing. When the only ways you know how, are irrelevant to the problem. My failures haunt me, my successes drift in the moon light. What is the sum of my life I wonder? What will I say when that final day does come? I'm not sure. Other then I'll probably have to say "I fucked up" about a number of things. But, with luck that's a good ways away. Part of a life time to overcome. Still, I stand only to be pushed aside, knocked over.
Why ? I don't even know any more, and how the f!$$@ did I learn to type what passes through my mind almost as fast as it occurs to me !? Have I really been around the computer that much... well, I've practically been around one since I was 5 years old. I just don't know any more. Life sucks...
I need rest, I need to relax, but that will never happen. I don't rest, I exist
To be patronized, assaulted, corrupted, but what else is there? I'm tired of all the bullsh1+ just tired of it.. But if I break from the course, I hurt others. The people I care about, even if they tend to hurt me.
I'm not free to do as I wish, nor am I liable to torment. But wtf is there to do ? I'm losing my mind bit by bit. There's no one there to see it. No one to care.. I don't, know any more what I'm doing.
Why can't my life change for the better? The steps I take, are always out maneuvered. Damn it, why can't I just have rest, to be at peace for a change. I need some thing, but I don't know what it is. Don't know how to correct it all.
In the [SAS], I'm treated as a human being, I'm not a fool, not slave. Just, a Spidey. The rest of the time (irl), I'm probably lucky..
I can't take this any more, I've got to try and sleep. Enoughs enough, but a mallet would probably be better.
One versus many.....