Well now I've bloody well seen it all.
test script locally -- works perfectly fine
test script on web server -- dies with syntax error.
One that everyone who checks the script seems to agree along with the interpreters syntax checking as well, that the script is perfectly valid.
Well, at least I know the bloody thing _works_ when it works lol.
The scripts a major improvement over the existing one but far from important... Just one of those leave it better for the next generation kinda rewrites (y).