Thoughts as Night Falls

I am starving… Even on a full stomach, it is as if I have eaten nothing.
There is no place for me here, the thought repeats in my mind continuously.
This place is so far from everything I seek…

I am mocked for doing nothing, yet I did nothing because to do anything
would have betrayed me into their hands, a mere target under those guns.

So I fortify these castle walls with Titanium and Cortosis.
Hiding myself deep within, appearing emotionless to the storms that rage outside.
Because I can’t afford to show the effects from the stabs ‘n jabs at my core…
So I build the walls stronger, so that nothing may show through them.
Less the beasts sense a sign of weakness and strike deeper.

Forced to look as if carved from stone, despite the churning underneath…
I’m made of flesh and bone not of iron and concrete.
My heart dies, bit by bit, day by day but surely it wastes away in this place.

Why must I hide myself from those who I love?
Because of creatures that strike so hard, in search of blood…
And upon that sign, would redouble their efforts tenfold,
If I appear phased in the slightest by their efforts.

This is not who I am… But it is apart of survival, in this hellish place.
I yearn to be safe, where my soul has no tolls set upon its freedom.
There is no place for me here, it burns my mind into cinders.
The road behind me is ever so clearer then the path before my feet.
I know the soul can endure long after the heart has since stopped to function.

As my mind drifts to another frame of thought… Another time, another creature.
My memories are both strong and vivid, like an image
irreparably seared into the minds eye.
I cannot forget, the things I once felt.

That specter of the past, that light that shined before the darkness fell again.
Illusion or reality, love or hate, water or fire, it was something strong.
I recall those times with a bitter-sweet taste, because for a brief moment,
Where perhaps I was the most alive, even if only for a few moments.

Before the storms came, and the end came, my heart going with it.
Nothing was left, nothing survived those rending waves…
Washed up along the shores: to begin again.

I wonder, will I ever find the things I seek?
Will I ever be free of this place, and the chains that it forges before me…
To bind me forever in the path of its gnashing teeth.
Far from my passionate goals, from my very self..

And what of the future to be?
I’m ever so damn far from reaching that peaceful place I need to reach.
Man was not made for this form of existence, this empty place.
To sit in darkness, forced from the light.
Like a caged animal, rent before the wolfs.

Let the past be past, ends to be ended.
My soul must become free of this madness, my heart cured of it’s poisons.
Those memories of what once was, left behind and forgotten.
Because this place, and those recollections combined are much to strong to bear.

What will there be left of me when I am free?

Tonight, I think if I was to be placed in th’ight situation,
I think I’d say fuck it and hit the vodka.
And not look upward again for a fortnight…

But as always… I am ever the sober one, sober as a codfish in water.

Mon May 12 04:43:53 UTC 2008