Every time I manage to close my eyes and sleep, I’m haunted in my dreams. I hardly want to sleep any more. Today I woke up around a quarter after seven, falling asleep hours later didn’t help, it just returned the train of thought to whence it came.
Discounting a few spells of intense concentration, I’ve mostly been like a headless chicken when I’m awake. Things are happening around me but most of it is only passively absorbed, not actively. Whenever I come towards snapping out of it, you can bank on it that I’ll be tapped to do something and the cycle will repeat.
Around here I’m still nothing but a slave, having to “Jump” every short interval and all the other/related issues of being an overworked and always bitched at servant to indifferent family, is contributing greatly to my mounting exhaustion… my family as always is helping to tear me apart. I learned years ago they are good for nothing else.
Don’t even feel like eating today, it’s already well past lunch. I feel terrible. The last time I’ve eve been this bad, would have been the early 2000s, and my old wings would likely remember that very shitty period for one thing or another. Never rain, never peace, only misery and storms to be found; my spirit can’t find any rest. Anything that comes through, I seem to either feel it very intensely or just bland, unresponsive. The face in the mirror isn’t reassuring either.
I very sorely need a life change, a vacation from everything. There’s absolutely nothing to do here that doesn’t involve vegetating in front of a computer, or some similar implementation. I would rather soak for hours in a hot tub and drain a bottle of Tequila before drifting off to something else. Life’s present situation ensures that no concept of a relaxing holiday will ever be realized, for quite a number of years to come, if even that. The closest I can get to a vacation, is vegetating away a day off work.
I’m getting closer to the 2,000 yard stare then anyone has a right to, in my position :-/. By 2,000 yard stare, I mean mentally, as well as my visage. The cracks are showing, but I never did learn how to shatter into a million pieces. Not sure if that’s good or bad, but it’s not a choice.