Just got home a little bit ago, found the desktop had dropped off the wireless. Luckily the ruby scripts I had left open weren’t disturbed :-/.

Today, I found one positive thought, and I can’t even remember what the hell it was…

Lately things feel like it’s life in a daze. It must be something like 90% of my train of thought is spent grinding on the same subjects, and zero hour just moves closer with each passing moment. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve any marbles left in my head.

I know for a fact, that her royal pains’ funds for petrol have just doubled, and were no where near exhausted yet. Still the car spends most of this week idle. Work forces a driving boost next week in order for HRP to make a greater profit, but knowing my mother, you can bank on the required night driving to take months. I offered a long time ago to put what few bits I’ve got saved towards fuel, to no result. Deadline expires soon, and I did mean it quite literally as a deadline. What else is to expire with it? All my life, I’ve always been expected to suck it up, carry 150% and keep going, get shiat on from every direction and never say a word. I’m fucking tired of it. I’m drowning and everyone still sits on their fat ass.

The other day, I remember pointing out that if I was *actually* a smart person, I wouldn’t be here. A friend corrected me: “If you were less caring you wouldn’t be there”. I guess that’s accurate, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t. Maybe smart people don’t care about other people, I don’t know. Some how, I’ve always considered myself to be a selfish person; someone, somewhere will undoubtedly agree with that accessement. Despite that prang, I still care very deeply for the people around me. Sometimes I reckon, that makes things hurt all the more.

Right now I just wish I could slam my head into a wall and pass out for a while, but I know better than to break the wall. My mother would never let me hear the end of that; land lord would also be a tad P.O.’d as well.