Today is one of those lovely days, you know, the kind where you would rather …
Day started off with having to take the car in for emissions inspection. The usual being badgered well in advance. Got maybe five or six hours sleep, depending on what hour it was when I finally dozed off. Garage declined to do the inspection, because of steel belting showing through the tyres and the front end being so far out of alignment that the bay chief didn’t want any of his techs putting it on the dyno. That means driving over to the mechanic and dropping about $230, plus picking up a pair of aft tyres later on. I’m still counting down the hours until my mother can figure out something venom filled over that one. When I was loading the car for tomorrow and noticed it leaking a bit of anti-freeze, I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s so fucked I can’t do anything else, except cry and I would rather laugh until I cry. At least that’s the best of both choices.
Obviously the most cheerful thought of my whole day, is of course: my mother wondering if I’ve any money she can barrow or anything of value to haulk in a pawn shop. The fact that anything I have to offer, is likely on her collateral with a loan company being aside the point. I intend to call a few pawnshops and see what they will take for a few bits of electronics, that I doubt will carry much of a price. All my life, I’ve never been alotted anything of value (unless you count friends tangibly). Like I’ve got anything to pawn, that isn’t a piss in the bucket?
It’s nice, when I need help, she will sit on her fat ass for half a year. When I turn to the job issue, she’s another obstacle. However when she needs something, she’ll all but sell my plasma to the first bidder. Ain’t love grand? Undoubtedly, I point out that if she wants help out of me, she shouldn’t have pissed away my time on the whole license/job thing. I wonder if they still buy human hair.
My original plan for the day, was to just work on getting as much of a small coding project (that I really need to get done), than focus on the job issue for the next several days, distracted by my workload. With my mothers near perfect commu’ block, I don’t expect that to work out very well. Trying to get a call through this place is futile and she keeps it that way. Between my mother and everything else, obviously nether objective has gotten done today. Some people have fun gaming or partying, coding relaxes me and I enjoy it. No one seems to be able to understand that, except for more my kind of people. Those are rare.
It makes me fucking sick. I’m not good enough to care about, only good enough to be used. That’s what life here is like. I would do well, if I learned how not to care. Even better, odds are, if I learned to be amoral and give up on my concepts of right/wrong, ethics, and the like. Sometimes I hate being me. Unlike a lot of people on the earth, it doesn’t matter if you can be of use to me or not, I care about you the same either way. Like I say, I have only one face.