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Recently I have been thinking about 2 items on my bucket list. More specficially, the two most integer goals…

My thoughts on it haunt me, and the probability of ever seeing those core desires realized is an especially depressing thought. Those that know me fairly well, could likely hazard a few guesses at what those desires are, and hopefully get at least one right lol. I am wondering, even if I ever see them realized, will there be enough left of me, to furfil them? Alas, only time will tell that tale.

Time, such a precious commodity, like a grain of sand slipping through the neck of an hour glass Oh how I wish I could see my goals bear fruit…

Woke up feeling like someone was taking the hands around my head and just squeezing it, plus a mild toothache on the larboard side. The work schedule has been turned up on it’s ear, and it’s coming into that time of year when business starts to evaporate… which does not hold very well for Operation Redeemers goals :-/.

If I wasn’t owed money, I would actually have a chance to supercharge this part of the operation, instead of being S.O.L. All things considered, if I wasn’t owed, I would be being asked for a loan, as far the current state of my families finances goes lol.

What is it about certain songs that can touch a piece of us? That special something that lets you build a rapport with our listening ears? My view is that it is the music that connects with a part of who we are, where we’ve been, and what we’ve been through; much like the subject of the last song-lyrics I posted goes on about.

Most people that I know, there tastes in music in some way reflect their lives. For me and one friend in particular, I’ve noted songs that we enjoy tend to be of a more ‘pleasurable-painful’ nature. Music that can make you remember the old hurts and the old joys gone by, and in some odd way let you touch base with that emotion and feel better for still being able to feel anything that all: or perhaps its just the parts of our existence just plain suck lol.

The songs that I love the most, tend not to be “happy” in nature, but more of a long sad tune. If it’s hit my playlist countless times or I take time to stop and listen to it over the radio, odds are it invokes a strong emotion somewhere.

Someday I think it would be cool to read a systematic survey that tries to map peoples experiences to their musical tastes, but such a thing would be rather tricky to get any meaningful result IMHO.

Well on the upside, I’ve been managing to get to bed fairly early (0200-0300) and waking up near (0830~0845) the final target mark (0700~0730), and all without having to invoke the alarm clock lol.

The problem is getting used to getting UP that early when I don’t got to go to work. I think I’ve woken up and fallen asleep at least 4 or 5 times before rolling out around 1151 :-/. Practice makes perfect and eventually that should be dealt with, hehe.

I’ve also been playing so much SWAT 4 and mucking with the Department of Agriculture map—I’m starting to dream about playing it!

Sheesh, I think it’s gonna take this crappy-printer longer to print my lesson plan, then it took to write it lol.

I used restructured text and fed it through rst2html, then generated a PostScript file using Mozilla Firefox; it’s only about 3 pages long…

It took about 7 minutes per page… and it’s all plain text :-/

* printer is a Deskjet D1455 supported by GS/HPIJS/Foomatic and hooked up to the LPD/Line Printer Daemon.

My family does nothing but make the things missing in my life that much more apparent.

Reese’s monitors FUBAR so he came over to pik up his spare; so I had to put up with my mother and my brothers usual pissing contests. After listening to essentially the same set of conversations repeated at least 15 times, I started laughing and offered an analogy. “If two and two is equal to two and two, and two and three is equal to three and two,m and so on, do we really have to walk through the entire set of real numbers, which just happens to be pretty darn infinite?”. Combined with my comments on having to hear the same damn convo again and again and AGAIN! They eventually got the point and changed their broken record to another! 20-30 minutes later I said screw it, and sat down on the computer.

Family is excellent at using you, making you feel miserable,

One of the people we work for was having a computer issue and of course offered to help, in reply to her reply, I explained: there is being used and there is being useful, and I like to be useful; I left out that my immediate family only knows my name when they want something 8=).

Tonight I’ve also been badgered over my eyes which are not as good as they used to be; being cooped up at home so much with nothing else to do but sit in front of a computer, what do you expect? And that I obviously will need glasses (or contacts, not that I was asked which in their debate 😎 before I’ll be able to get a license. (Duh, I’m not a dumb ass!) And the list just goes on – I’m tired of putting up. I love my family dearly but I honestly wonder why I have bothered to speak to any of them, since at least 1995~1994; the year reference is because by 1995~1996 I already knew things were headed for the shits, and had already been so miserable for a good while….

I really don’t want to have much to do with my immediate family. I think if I ever moved out, I’d probably call them each once a cycle and leave it at that for the most part, lol. It’s just less painful to avoid unnecessary involvement. In my general opinion, I think they really ceased to “know me” years and years ago: when me and a few friends were essentially swapping how well do you know me type quizes, in writing mine, I had a sinking feeling at what my family would do if given it (I don’t dare lol).

All in all the more I am around them the worse I feel, and ever more so do I long for what I seek in life: and wonder if I shall ever find it. It is the hope of finding what I seek, that keeps me moving, and I refuse to be shaken.

You know… I am basically living on about 1 1/4 to 1 2/3 litres of water a day, and since I’ve mostly given up on snacking/junk food, basically 2 meals a day on average lol.

I’m not quite sure if that is good or bad o/.

I was sitting on near the foot of the bed with the laptop, puttering about on IRC and hashing out some stuff in vim, etc. When I see something black with 6 legs scurry along the edge of the bed to my right – a cockroach. Despite having a prior “inmate” in it from this morning, I managed to get it into the bug catcher without much problem.

The things that bother me?

I saw it in my peripherally vision well enough to identify it, as well as gauge threat level.

Leaning over, I could see it in great detail

I managed to get off the bed and begin the capture procedure without alerting it (vibrational)

Turning on the lights wasn’t necessary to improve my vision… it was plain as day without them.

and I was more alert then the dog :-/. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have a cat, lol.

What can I say, I’ve been forced into the dark for so many years…. my eyes and brain practically work like light amplification goggles -> I’m not even going to comment about how it feels to ride in a car on an unlit road at night, lol. Even worse, I have yet to lose my mastery of stealth. I can still maneuvre and creep with remarkable ease for a civi; learned out of necessity. In my reading of the Count of Monte Cristo, when it mentioned Edmond’s vision in the dark, I couldn’t help but feel, “Dang, it’s not just me then”. But alas, to late now.

Right now the only positive aspects of life, are the animals and the computers… that’s the most joyous thing I can think of, outside continuing to breath in and out. The realization of my goals through Operational Redeemer are imperative at this point, for the sake of my spirits survival.

In a way I think I have become greedy due tomy time on the Internet; being treated like a human being rather then an animal, can really spoil ones stomach for life in this family. I am tired of being treated like an asset, like a machine (actually, I treat my machines better then my family treats me lol). Most of the time, I feel like the only time anyone knows my name is when they want something; and that is about it. Capping it all off, I am virtually stuck here with subjugation not far away. Today only further ratifies my POV that they nether care nor listen; it is time to go for broke, and plod on with these aims.

It will be years in realizing my goals of being free again, and I fear in some ways the pace of movement is much to rapid for maintaining stealth. Betraying the presence of any concerted efforts would be dentimental to Operation Redeemer. In order to have the best odds of success, I very much want everyone to be like a frog in cool water; my liberation must be like slowly raising the heat until it is to late to be actively opposed by anyone. I’ve always considered myself to be calm, cool, and calculated in whatever actions I plan out throughly ahead of time: but this is at uncharted depths. I’ve yielded more then a decade to this misery, only to watch the shackles bind me ever more closely. I grow weary of crawling through darkness in search of a light, so tired, so very tired… Some day I will leave this place behind and GOD as my witness, I will never have to suffer like this again. My patience is renown here (as my family is as patient as a gold fish out of water), but this operation will stretch its timbres to the breaking point. but will be well worth it… or so I pray.

Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

— Patrick Henry, 1775-03-23

Since it has become quite obvious that it will never get thrown away…. I’ve moved the old dresser from in front of the closet (i.e. next to the bed) to the other side of the room in the corner, and rotated the cubby-half turned night stand from there to whence the dresser came. The effect of this is such, that my general space in the middle of the room is massively increased. The immediate benefit of this is clear: more room to walk about. On the other hand, this also means more room to exercise, even when being crowded out by the cloths racks that always push me out of the damn room every laundry day!

I’ve also rigged it up with one of the drawers so I can safely balance the laptop on it, and work fairly comfortably whilst *standing*. This is probably better then shifting side to side on the bed, competing for space with the dog whenever I’m on the laptop lol. It also gains me a more effective arrangement of storage in my room, hehe.

I am not so sure how well this will work out for my neck, but it is fine on my eyes. Another off-bit, it decreases the privacy of my screen somewhat, but I’m not in the habit of surfing porn so it really doesn’t matter lol. The point under which I am most often concerned about the privacy of my monitor on the other hand: is preventing anyone from reading my conversations (or jorunal) over my shoulder ;).

Let’s see how this works out, if it doesn’t well it is easy enough to just re-route the cable and sit on the bed as normal.