Uncategorized

The more I’m here, the worse I feel
It’s like wasting away, on a full stomach.
Every thing points to the past, will it never die?
As I long für the future, to hold all I seek in my hands.
Little more then that dream keeps my bones from breaking.

Oh LORD, why am I tormented so…
I know almost no peace, my enemies no relent, till I am bound and gagged.
I keep my mouth shut, less it bring the rain.
While the wild beats graze around me, in search of flesh.

All I can see, is the emptiness here, so far am I from my goals.
Even the slightest thought of them, makes me crazy.
Just to concentrate a moment on that sensation…
Of all the things that could be, my life fulfilled.

Why can’t I have release? Even for a time of rest, just to be at peace.
They come at me, as if thieves by night to take my life.
Fore they take every thing and leave nothing behind,
Nothing save the corpse of my heart.

Where there was once joy, they bring pain.
Where there was once love, they bring sorrow.
Where there was once tranquility, they bring rage.

I find nothing of what I seek here, only a battlefield.
Layered with mines and entrenched with barbwire.
Some times I think, I would throw it all away…
Even my very dignity, my very sanity just for a few seconds.

But I know, that path seals fates but never frees them.
So I continue to stand, although I may crack and crumble.
My body refuses to break completely, surrender is not a word I know.
Yet sadly, nether is peace a word I’m familiar with either.

I am given sweet bread to eat, but nothing else in this place
Where I feel bitterness around me, as the chains that bind me
Are forged ever stronger about me. Whether ’tis by my destruction
Or by my freedom, be they even entwined:

I yearn to walk freely through the light again.

— 2008-04-26

A very fine Italian expression comes to mind… couldn’t spell it correctly to save my life but it fits like a glove. In English, it roughly means:

Damn the misery !

Well, it’s been almost 4 hours or more since I took a ‘break’ from SWAT4… A few min to lay down, then get back to work was the plan.

Family has such a great way of fscking you over, don’t they?

Almost 0900 UTC (local 5am, ESD) and time to leave for work in less then ~4 hours… Wide awake and ain’t life wonderful?

More to do tomorrow… Because it ain’t done tonight +S

So flib’n tired….

Ma is pissed off because the A/C isn’t running a lot, so she can’t sleep, for crying out loud how did she ever stand Florida for 30 years?

The less Ma sleeps, the less work _I_ get done, which is bad because that is more time she spends trying to piss me off. I think it’s fair to say at this point, the more time I spend around my family — the more misserable they make me… Productivity isn’t even possible around them.

I wish I knew some thing about electrical wiring and manipulating A/C units the ‘hard’ way, maybe if I did, I could try to hot wire the bloody thing into running for her or fry myself in the process: which would solve the problem too LOL.

Oh what joy it would be… To actually be able to have a /productive/ day and get some sleep at night too, sheesh… I can’t remember the last time I could get a decent nights sleep, maybe the early 1990s or late 1980s? For some one born in ’88 that sucks lol.

*Sighs* with luck I can at least have time to deal with my mail tonight, it would be kind of nice if I could get some work done tonight, as opposed to having to go to work in the morning, be driven batty, and kept from doing any thing worth doing until after dark… As f’ing usual in this rats nest, I always got stiffed on time to do things but dragged into hop’n, skip’n, and jump’n about to do every thing else but what I’ve got to get done.

Hmm, forced to get up early before work.

Interrupted while trying to get ‘work’ done before having to go to work

Shouted at it’s time to go once I finally get to sit down in peace >_>

What a way to start a work day, I love my family!!!

I’ve almost finished Learning Perl with about 10 pages left, honestly it makes me itch to find a copy of the Alpaca book just to find out more lol.

It’s rare that I read about any given language beyond it’s documentation or tutorials but I’ve rather enjoyed this O’Riley, it’s understandable why the company has a good reputation (y). I even noticed a module in the appendix that might be handy for implementing a program I’ve always wanted but have never found one before.

Perl is a very fun language to put to work, I don’t think I’d want to do any thing lengthy in Perl (~1000s of lines) but for getting stuff done it’s quite handy. It also comes with a ****load of documentation hehe, not to mention I like the POD (Plain Old Documentation) style for doing things.

It is kind of amazing, I posted a review of PC-BSD 1.2 and people occasionally still post comments on it lol. I think I’ll do some thing similiar when PC-BSD v2.0 is released, will be a good chance to take a look deeper into KDE4.

Hit over the Library today and checked out the Lama book (Learning Perl), I figure I’ve been using Perl for a lot of odds and ends lately. And I may as well inhale the book a bit since I’m usually finding myself skimming manual pages, perldoc’ing, and STFW’ing for any thing I don’t remember. Hmm, I think Perl was my second programming language but I never went to deep into it back then.

Also pulled a few on PHP, dunno if I’ll have time to read them and I *hate* PHP even through it is a language I’ve had to employ on more then one occasion. I was also lucky enough to find a copy of the Art Of Computer Programming, Volume 4, Fascicle 4. That will make for a bit of an interesting read. If I had the cash, I think I’d love to get all of the volumes that have been published. Considering that Donald Knuth is like 70 years old and the first volume was published ~1968, I don’t see how he can possibly live long enough to finish TAOCP when there are at least 2 or 3 more volumes left… but I’d love to read’em some day!

Never really been a big one for computer related books, I’m more of a Science Fiction kind of guy. But hey, I could live at the library xD.

Oy..

I’ve spent most of the week with an almost constent headache, barely been on the computer the past few days and even then mostly AFK. Managed to get some training in today and some work on the SOP rewrites as well but it’s still a very tiring week.

I’m looking forward to the time off coming up so I can catch up with stuff, about all I have gotten done this week so far is talking to Noer and Rasa lol.

Some how it makes perfect sense…

While every one is sound asleep, even the dogs…

I’m spending my time with the music blasting and digging into code on my laptop and being quite happy during the duration.

Until Ma is off the couch, then I’m already miserable 8=)

At least I’ve managed to finish most of the work I was trying to do on Neo Ports Manager. Just committed changes to how it handles port build options, I’m still not happy with it from a design stand point… But it should be suitable for being activated in NPMs Beta Release whenever that occurs.

Actually getting any thing else done in the next four or five hours is questionable.