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2 days off

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Planning on enjoying this weekend off, posted my off duty message on SAS and hitting the ‘net.

I’d like to get a few things done that needs testing before deployment, I’d love to work on my book a bit, and rest the rest of the time lol.

The question is how much time will I get to actually do any thing…. (family factor).

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Only in my home…. Could it take more then 6 hours of work, to complete some thing that *shouldn’t* take longer then 20 minutes.

Well… at least it’s done, documented, and due for having a report written tomorrow lol.

Oh joy, I can just bet good money if I had any on how long it’ll take to do that…

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I find myself in a place surrounded by lions.
My muscles may tense with the rage that powers them
Yet I cannot bring myself to strike at my enemies.

I yearn to strike back, rend them limb from limb as they do me.
Yet irregardless of how much I burn, how much I stir,
My arms will not budge, they will not strike.

Oh how I long… To let them feel as I,
To forget my humanity, to strike without remorse..
With that same animal fury as they, so unrelenting.
But to do so, is to walk into the same corrupting fires
That blaze about them, oh how those fires burn.

Even as I bid my heart, become as stone..
It constantly reminds me it is made of flesh.
And not made for such dark ends…

Whether ’tis to be the greatest fool of them all
or weakest creature of all, I bid it to end
before I look back upon all my memories
as just another picture to burn.

— Tue Apr 29 23:06:04 UTC 2008

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Managed to get off work early today, that’s great from my pov since I usually leave work 15min late on Monday’s lol.

Unfortunately it’s after dark and I’ve still not gotten any thing onde, I really wish my family would /remember/ I’m not a fuk’n servant boy some days.

Break time though… starving lol.

FOOD now, work later… work in morning, ‘special’ operation in evening, so much for taking it easy.

before work…

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Just a few minutes until it’s time to get ready for work today…

Things have a nice way of arranging it so I’ve got no time before hand lol. I don’t really mind having to work afternons on Mondays, but I would appreciate it if I _could_ get stuff _done_ during afternoons I’m home, rather then having to do things after dark until I pass out, or not at all in this place…

Be stuck at work all day so that leaves the until crack of dawn or point of no return mark (to be sleeping by or hate getting up for work tomorrow) in order to get things finished. That or cram it all into dead line day and really be driving out of my fscking skull trying to get it done with my family around.

Hmm… Wouldn’t it be fun to throw everyone out for about 6 hours… ? Lol

m/work/

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Well, if nothing else over the past two days… I’ve at least gotten a chapter done with my book, and taken care of two issues on the website (y). I also managed to weasel through a little bit of code that might just go along way at making improvements hehe.

Spent a few hours relaxing in the proving grounds, didn’t want to interrupt the training in the other server. I dunno if it’s the time of day I usually /get/ to play or what, but PG#1 has been very laggy for me lately. Although I haven’t had any problems on TG#3 which also should be out in England lol.

For tonight my plans are working on a small analytical script for ringing alarm bells, this should be interesting lol.

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The more I’m here, the worse I feel
It’s like wasting away, on a full stomach.
Every thing points to the past, will it never die?
As I long für the future, to hold all I seek in my hands.
Little more then that dream keeps my bones from breaking.

Oh LORD, why am I tormented so…
I know almost no peace, my enemies no relent, till I am bound and gagged.
I keep my mouth shut, less it bring the rain.
While the wild beats graze around me, in search of flesh.

All I can see, is the emptiness here, so far am I from my goals.
Even the slightest thought of them, makes me crazy.
Just to concentrate a moment on that sensation…
Of all the things that could be, my life fulfilled.

Why can’t I have release? Even for a time of rest, just to be at peace.
They come at me, as if thieves by night to take my life.
Fore they take every thing and leave nothing behind,
Nothing save the corpse of my heart.

Where there was once joy, they bring pain.
Where there was once love, they bring sorrow.
Where there was once tranquility, they bring rage.

I find nothing of what I seek here, only a battlefield.
Layered with mines and entrenched with barbwire.
Some times I think, I would throw it all away…
Even my very dignity, my very sanity just for a few seconds.

But I know, that path seals fates but never frees them.
So I continue to stand, although I may crack and crumble.
My body refuses to break completely, surrender is not a word I know.
Yet sadly, nether is peace a word I’m familiar with either.

I am given sweet bread to eat, but nothing else in this place
Where I feel bitterness around me, as the chains that bind me
Are forged ever stronger about me. Whether ’tis by my destruction
Or by my freedom, be they even entwined:

I yearn to walk freely through the light again.

— 2008-04-26

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A very fine Italian expression comes to mind… couldn’t spell it correctly to save my life but it fits like a glove. In English, it roughly means:

Damn the misery !

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Well, it’s been almost 4 hours or more since I took a ‘break’ from SWAT4… A few min to lay down, then get back to work was the plan.

Family has such a great way of fscking you over, don’t they?