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note to self, send our new webcoder some instructions and concept mock-ups on the new ‘project’ I have in mind for the website hehehe.

I’ll never understand it…

If I try to do any thing while others are awake here it causes my productivity to shrink and headache to grow exponentially.

Is this some kind of universal law I’ve never heard of? Or is it just my family likes to bitch when I don’t get stuff done but loves to drive me freaking crazy whenever I *try* to get stuff done? Lol…

I so need to get out of here… Marching in the thunderstorm would probably be more peaceful :

Last night I logged off around 0430Q to go to sleep.

I sat on the bed to tell Willow there were two problems, one she was in my spot, sleeping right near the pillows. And Two she was sleeping under my pillow!

When I went to lift the pillow off her, I realized she wasn’t underneath it she was sleeping in my pillow !!!

I turned on the overhead and snapped a picture before taking back my new pillows lol. I should get a sign like one of our clients has, “If you want the best spot in the house, just move the dog”.

Willow needs to have that one haha

People still arguing over the ruddy pictures…I’m like the only non-fighting one in the Family… I wish I could just be free of this place.

What is it they said? Nero fiddled while Rome burned?

In the mean time I’ve been tinkering about, learning a little bit about XMMS skining by picking apart the skins I have installed. I’m not sure if XMMS skins are compatible with WinAmp but I know classic WinAmp skins are generally compatible with XMMS. So I could probably Google a winamp skinning guide if I wanted to but why bother, it’s fairly straight forward for XMMS afai can see. I don’t often use WinAmp on the WinMachine but XMMS I’ve been using on my laptop a lot along with MPlayer. Took a screen shot of the default xmms skin (which I love) and made a template for the main.bmp out of it. Been working on doing green text, gold keys (that go green when pushed), including an [SAS] Insignia, etc. Dunno if I will ever finish (or use) it but it is good to get my mind off things for awhile…

The internet connection has been total crud lately, every thing is working slow as a snail in the middle of a blizzard 8=). Download speeds varying between 20 and 150kb/sec, web pages are loading like it’s connected at 28.8K instead of the 3M we pay for. I love Bellsouth… wish they would go suck an egg, and choke on it.

I wonder if I’ll ever get out of here alive, wonder if I’ll ever find what I seek. There was once a narrow window for happiness but that is long since extinct. Who knows what the future will bring, doom or salvation… At least it might be an improvement.

Had to leave the eeting early for chow, wasn’t that hungry…

Passed out on the couch and slept like a baby until the phone rang lol. Went back to sleep until a knock on the door, and then got thrown off the couch >_>

Only for Willow to keep me from going to sleep lol.

I’m some where between invigorated and about to collapse…. We’ll see which happens first. Hopefully I didn’t miss any thing important that I won’t hear about later, I think I stayed for most of it. Being AFK about 10-15 times between the web-meeting and the snco-meeting aside that is lol.

*sighs* Ya gotta love family…

Work, Chores, Web affairs meeting, SNCO/Clan Meeting, 5 XFire Windows, over 7 Voices at once between TS (1), Family, and XFire, started off after noon and still going by 2030…

Can you say HEADACHE THE SIZE OF TEXAS !!!

As soon as this meeting is done, I’m l aying down and let my head rest.

Oh how sweet it would be to have no AFKage.

Tried laying down, no help.

Noshing on rice crispy treats and mini-hershey’s bars on the other hand works 🙂

At least it gets my brain cells back in shape any way.

Independence Day is on, so there is at least *one* good thing on TV. Beigining a systematic transfer of files from my laptop to the file server,to be completed with archiving the local copies before going with a more permanent mounting solution.

I’ve got the laptop setup to mount them via sshfs and the desktop via smb.

I’ve got plenty of shit to do, but I don’t feel like doing any thing… I can’t stand sitting around doing nothing either though :

I guess it’s a fair reason to look into some method of organizing my music files in a manor I can live with :

Hmm, official to do list…

SOP Rewrites
TeXLive 2007 PBI/Port?
Codebooks
Vi User Howto
The book
NPM
And… the rest in due time.

All I see around me is hatred, anger, and cruelty…
This is not of me, but of the world that surrounds me.
I was once asked, “Will you be kind or will you be cruel?”
I had asked it of myself, and I chose not to be cruel…
There is little anger left in me, I do not wish to hate,
and I can not bear to be like that which surrounds me.
Man doesn’t live by bread alone, yet how we live on.
Even when there is nothing left but emptiness.
Just that same pain and sorrow
Just that same blackness of night
As they lash out at the nearest targets
I have gone thousands of miles for you out of love,
yet you could not go but one mile for my sake?
“Am I nothing more then an tool?”
Ends can never completely justify their means.
I have shouldered more then my fair share of things,
yet if I stop acting as they strike around me
I am surrounded with a fury… Stricken without regard, with no logic.
I fear, like a wild beast they will descend upon me
To the slightest sign of weakness, like wolfs unto fresh blood.
I will not be capitulated by the actions that causes my refusal.
And I am beatend down for it, even if I refuse in silent.
Only my GOD sees the cuts and scares across my heart
HE’s the one that walks beside me, pulling the blades from my sides.
HE sees what no one else sees, what even they do not see.

Once I sought a reason to live, it lay close at hand.
My memories haunt me, fore I have nothing else but memories.
Of what once was, of what may have been.
Even that has deserted me, I have but one strength..
The flesh is able but the spirit is weak LORD,
Oh how I long to feel again, even just for a moment…
That which was lost; did it truly exist?
My heart twisted, my guts rended, my mind cut.
for what ends?
To that sorrowful fate as the waves came crashing down
No one else by my side, set a drift across a river of pain.
YOU were there when I washed up on the other shore.
The ones that sent me, long gone…
I think I once may have known what it was.
Perhaps I was not meant to find it,
perhaps I am but a fool..
But there is only so much I can bear LORD, I don’t have your strength.

You are like the mountains, strong and unchangeable.
I, like the worm whither and frail in the winds that come.
Nothing to lose but my future,
nothing to gain but a moments pleasure
That bitter sweet memory of what once was.
I once had a dream, but it is gone from me.

I didst fall into that trap, like a fly to the web.
Only to be ripped apart by the creature that lay within.
Yet I could not bring myself to leave, for that sorrowful fate…
That lay behind me.
Of what was, and what may have been.
Tis’ nothing more then to haunt me.
I let it go, I can’t hold on to it any longer.
Yet, I stand still…
I draw the breath you give me,
but what more is there for me?
How much longer can I endure…
YOU endured so much for me, how can I not continue?
LORD keep my feet moving along the path
Direct them along the right road
I no longer know my course
Be it to my destruction or my salvation
Lead the way, I have nothing left to fear.

— The world around me, myself, March 2008.

Some how I find the current track in my playlist ironic…

Oy…

Spent most of the evening moving furniture about. Lugging a couch out and two beds in, not much fun really. For much of the day my minds been some where between thinking about things I shouldn’t and trying not to think about them.

I suppose that is one of the problems with a long memory I guess, you remember things well…

The only highlight, Summer Rental was on, very good John Candy movie. My thought, “Take me home”, I ain’t been to the beach in so long… Maybe some day I’ll see one again.

A little thing I’ve wanted to do for awhile now… Make myself a decent signature. Generally on [SAS] forums I just use my XFire block (required) and a link to my live journal. Other places, gaming wise I usually clone my sigblock from my E-Mail and convert the 22nd [SAS] EVR part to a link to our home page.

I’m really not a sig crazed person lol. I was looking through the Sigs folder in my saved images. I have all of the ones I’ve used, mostly made by two of my friends that used to be heavy into that stuff. And a few of their own that I thought worth saving as mementos.

So I set out to create one myself:

Prototype #7

Prototype #9

I had screwed up and couldn’t get it as I wanted it, so I over laid parts of the background on top of the face. Although I thought it made sense to it that way, I really think #9 looks better.

The solider is Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater and the woman is “Ivy” Valentine from Soul Calibur.

Both game series and the characters have meaning to me, and I think for my mind this is a good combination. I don’t really expect any one but me to understand it, if I did I probably wouldn’t have bothered making it.

Whoever wins, the battle does not end.
The loser is set free from the battlefield,
while the winner must remain there.
And the survivor will live out his life
as the warrior until the day he dies.

— Big Boss, 1990, in Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake.

A specter of this past…