Month: March 2008

One of those moments where you see things a little bit differently. As if the
clouds are gone, as if you took a step off that cliff and now you see the stars
rushing before your eyes (before you go SPLAT).

Often I’ve had a (bad) day when I’ve felt that if I was any one else I know, I
would probably be stark raving drunk. S’course that is not how I operate so I
don’t spend my time that way.

But what am I? But doing the same thing as any drunkerd, different sword, same
purpose. To escape from the pain, to be free of that tiney little hell.. even if
for mere moments.

The drunk looks for his relief in the bottom of a bottle. Is it any different
then what I do? With this constant busyness, what purpose can it seve but furfil
that same cycle.

I’m not busy as I am, because I must be but because I wish to be. So why do I
wish to be? Yet what is there for me if I am not. I must learn to forget the
past, let it be the past as I look forward to the future.

Yet I cannot walk in the same way, the same patterns. Who do I kill but myself?
I’m not the one with problems, I’m the one people come to with problems.. That
is strange but it’s been fairly constant during my life.

And I have no problem with it, what else could I do but offer my ear?

Yet I walk alone, where so few may enter that chamber. Not of my own free will,
but of my surroundings I say to myself.. Yet it is a lie, yes if only to myself
that I may lie.

I’ve sought out the busyness of my life, until such a point I am nearer to
collapse. Because I can’t bear to see the same thoughts pass through my mind,
how else can I give myelf peace?

But what am I doing but wasting my life.

I once said, if not more then once said. That I could forgive almost any thing,
perhaps it is true. I don’t really hold any thing against any one, don’t
honestly know if I could. Save against myself, easely to forgive anohter but not
so easy my own deeds.

I say, the blame lay with her not with me

but does it not with us all? As I look back upon a time of my life. One where
pain and love were well intermixed. I see there that demon, that very demon.

What else can I do? But face myself, without a shield, weapononless.

There is no one else to hide from, there is no need to hide.

Why then do I kill myself in this endless toil? To drown in it as another man
would drown in Vodka.

To no more length can I hold onto the past, let it rest and be forgotton. I can
not walk alone into the future, be it through a valley of shadows or into sun
shine.

Face that terror, do not be bound by it but destroy it. See it for what it is,
and never surrender to it.

I feel in a way, as if I’ve been walking along on that road, ever so long. That
I did not see this steep drop in front of me, and now I tumble, down, down
through that abyss. And only GOD know’th what be on the other side.

To a new future do we embark, in search of that underscovered country, be it
ever so sweet, or ever so empty. Over the hill, through the valley, and out into
the light.

Where only the free may walk, free of there own terrors.

— the musings of my mind.

Perhaps I now know why that specter of my dreams, haunts me so.

Today si deffo a time for some rest, it’s becoem clear that my family will ensure nothing productive gets done during daylight any way…..

I think I have room clearing on my mind enough to be dreaming about it :. It was like a game of F.E.A.R. but being Element Leader instead of point man, sadly no one else survived once Alma showed up :

And then a subway full of replicas… hehe

pass the ammo.

I’e kept a generally log of the day, I intend to do so tomorrow as well if possible. Perhaps I can find a more optimal way of doing things that way.

vim: set et :

1337 -- awake
        trash
        walk dogs
1314 -- interrupted
1324 -- exercise
1327 -- interrupted during 'down time'
1328 -- resumed, moving to crunches
1330 -- interrupted on count 21 :-(
1340 -- shave
1410 -- shower
1434 -- make lunch
1440 -- E-Mail
1445 -- eat lunch !!!
1456 -- quick web surfing
1514 -- home work
 found books in 'use' as a coat rack
 # of interruptions: 4
1827 -- start rest time [read to bored to continue]
1950 -- return to edrudgery 
 # of interruptions: 4
2043 -- dinner
2056 -- family time
2325 -- R&R, net time ;-)
0045 -- more home work, by monitor light.
 # of interruptions: 1
0207 -- the news feeds
0212 -- official down time.
        Lassen mir Das programmieren beginnen // could be written better... lol
0402 -- bed time
        

The interruptions count is how many times I got interrupted in the middle of stuff. It’s good that for much of the afternoon I was the only one awake :-).

I’ve almost completed the last of the social civics, tomorrow it falls… Well pardoning that whether permitting my mother has good plans that I’ll end up back-up man on a grocery shopping trip this weekend :=/.

Oy’ I’m going to need a vacation from my vacation! I only have two modes of operation, like a big switch. Lazy Do Nothing — or — Work Till I Drop.

The problem is I only get a few days a month if any that I *can* take the time to work till I drop on any thing, without going to bed around 5 or 6 am…

Almost time to get back to school work 🙁

Bored to utter tears but with a little determination I should have an entire subject polished off by the time I’ve got to report back to work.

It’s not very challenging, don’t think I’ve been seriously academically challenged since I learned to read… But the faster this buffalo pucky gets done the faster I can get moving. To be honest, I’m tempted to write a program to do my math homework for me, maybe even try different methods just to piss off the teachers.

At least that way I might learn some thing in the process 🙂

My written English skills are derailed by speech’isms and keyboards. My writing tends to be a cross between how I speak and how I think, rather then the formalities (some friends wonder if I’ve ever heard of a ; lol). And my handwriting is hopeless from the years of keyboarding — after working on it to profection “under penalty of death” in the early years that pisses me off lol. Of all that I’ve done the few B’s and C’s I’ve seen over the years come from English-related subjects.

Heck, my motivation for learning to read as a child was because I wanted to read a book myself. The only part school played was in motivating people to help me along the way. The routine bit they had first tried to throw at me did nothing but annoy me, didn’t teach a darn thing.

The majority of my understandings of mathematics and the related didn’t come from school, learned 90% of things I know trying to solve problems that *interested me*. I remember when things like square and cubic measures were first introduced into my schooling years ago.

It bored the shit out of me!

I had already reverse engineered processes if you will — that is I figured it out by looking at a real problem in front of me. Using my brain cells and expirmentation to try and solve it until I got close enough for my tastes.

Back then I had spent a lot of my free time working on custom ‘Mech designs to the great est technical details I could think of: Calculating the amount of fuel that could fit in the storage space; figuring how much volume could be gained from storing it in some oddly shaped location (that was fun), the amount of force generated by the thrusters, thrust to mass ratios, acceleration rates (never was good at that), payloads without failing apart, etc.

That’s actually how I learned the Metric System, I was a kid that only was familiar with the US system of measure. Which oddly enough is defined in metric terms these days or so I’ve read xD. I had to learn to work with metric units because most things ‘Mech related are described in metrics. Before that my only encounter with meters/metres had been the Technical Manual to the NCC-1701D =/

The only limit to how far I could go was how much I could figure out between my head, a calculator, and scratch paper. And not a text book to be had ! It’s been years so I wonder how much has still stuck without any thing of interest to keep it fresh. I actually look forward to the more complex topics that you don’t get in high school, in the hopes it will be interesting for a change.

What good has school done me? Read, Write, Count and that is about it. The rest I’ve always learned because I have wanted to learn. For ****s sake most of the other subjects in high school, I’ve learned more by not listing to the text books. Most of my history tests had a –verbose switch added. I remember practically snoring through parts of the biology text book (it really was that bad). However, a little look for information on my own accord and it actually stuck. Psychology was actually fun buta tad useless at the HS level.

IMHO 75-85% of the stuff they make us do is busy work because between K and “Good bye and good riddens” people could learn a lot more in schools. tbh, I think I would rather have skipped it all and just went to the library every day instead — much more productive. For what remains, well…

Most of my back-log comes from letting it rot (as it deserves) and being to busy with work to do any of it. If I had just sat down and done it as it came, rather then working to pay for it… And devoting the rest of my time to learning things of interest I wouldn’t be in this situation now.

Thats why I want out and I’m taking it to bat — even if I’m bored stiff, it will give way before I do. 2008 is the year it falls and I get the heck out of it.

Because I do not surrender.

You know, I actually forgot how much I hated PHP. C love it, C++ can take it, Python is great, Ruby is fun, Perl is handy, LISP just RTFM, Java is livable as long as CTS doesn’t set in. But PHP is just a pain in my neck.

Between the days volley’s and having to tinker with modules written in PHP, I think it’s time for some shut eye before I pass out lol. Now if the dog hadn’t stolen all of the covers already…

With luck I can finish the module tomorrow and get a start on my homework this weekend. A few days off should really help me if I don’t lose any marbles in the process.

I figure, exercise, shave, shower, and hit the books. Weekends actually about the one time of the week I have *room* in my own room to exercise with out being crowed out for storage :

2 Minutes on press ups, 2 minutes to catch a breath, then 2 Minutes on crunches works quite well. If it was possible without being hounded by dogs wanting to go and crazy Georgian drivers that would hit me, I’d add a few miles run to the mix but oh well…

Not fond of exercise by any means (especially crunches!) but its comforting to know my body will hold up to it. I could probably survive the calisthenics fair enough if I ever ended up in basic but BUD/S would be a killer… Physically fit bastards lol.

Would be great to find some way of getting running into the mix. When I used to be a couch potato I could run like a bat out of hell. When I had to do some thing outside ‘tween the commercial breaks; I’d be to the other end of the complex and back with the mail before one commercial had passed hehe. Since I stopped watching a lot of TV these past few years that endurance just isn’t there any more and I fade out after tens of metres with ankles that won’t cooperate :

Well, I suppose that would make a good set of goals for the year. Get back in running shape and be able to pass through my exercise routine with ease. It’s not really hard, not as hard as I used to think and it is easier without a girl sitting on your back lol.

And compared to what the Navy SEALs go through, that’s a bloody cake walk.

My sister in law finally got the papers, her and my brother are now legally divorced after over 8 years of marriage.

Well, what can I say? He’s an asshole lol.

His say’s he doesn’t want to be miserable for the next twenty years, far enough… If you ask me they had enough years before hand for him to figure that one out. So after moving *both* of them into his best [also female] friends place he threw her out flat a month later. Which means Ma is stuck on the couch because they gave up the apartment first :.

I remember when we first heard they were moving in there, Ma threw them both out of the house instantly. Everyone knew it was going to be a bad idea but my Sister [in-law] was willing to try and make things work, my Brother OTOH wasn’t.

And now they are going to soon be three-way arguing over the photo album with my Mother leading the charge from the sounds of things. I know better then to get involved, even if my “neutral as Switzerland” approach to family wars is often disregarded by all participants… I do hope he gets to keep some of the pictures, for Pete’s sake. I doubt he should get much more then the car personally (it’s in her name, not his) but how could you argue over the photo album !?

What can I say.. My family is the kind that cuts deep, then sucks out the blood. That’s the world in which I live. A scene comes to mind, I saw the end of “From Dusk Till Dawn” last week when I was waiting for the next movie to start. In the end battle some one was being chewed on by about ten or twelve vampires… That is what comes to my mind.

I some times wonder what branch I came from because that is not my way. I only intentionally return in kind when I know nothing else will bring them to relent’ment. My ability for anger is limited to all of the about 10 seconds it takes for me to calm down. Unlike my family, I learned to control my temper quite well and to deal with it without hurting others. No wonder we’re known for loud mouths and hot heads so to speak lol.

It’s a shame but it’s his life, when the other woman bleeds him dry I guess he’ll learn better. I remember when I was a child, I used to count the periods of family in-fighting by ‘world war’ starting with IV, lost count many years back around IX or so.

Do we begin to dissolve bit by bit? Or is it just another fragment in a long war.

Some times I wonder if I honestly care any more.

I don’t think that GOD made people this way, we learned it on our own. As the world around us damages us bit by bit, they don’t know any better. So they cut the other deeply with the words, and suck dry the blood that flows.

I know if I ever get out of here, I pray to look back at it as a memory and nothing more. I don’t want to bring that mentality to a new generation… I’m not like the rest of my family but they are still my family, each of them and I love them.