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I **really** need a fsckin’ vacation!!!

I think, given the choice: I would just sail away, away from the things of man, and let everyone rot… since that’s what they love to do the most.

*sigh*

I think I’ve had about 2~3 hours sleep… it was after 06:00Q when I logged off, guess fiddling with Xerces and G++ took longer then I expected; had planned to finish up, grab a bowl of cereal, and hit the hay before 04:30 lol.

No luck what so ever trying to sleep, 7 o’clock passed by like lighting as birds chirped outside, by 10:30Q I was woken up in order to be dragged out on a shopping expedition 8=). Managed to cram my flubbed up toe into an old shoe, and limp most of the way though… oi.

Due to a disagreement over my brothers (2nd) wedding, my mother has effectively decided to blackball the event and excommunicate him from the family — again. As usual, I avoid becoming involved in the conflict: it is none of my business, its his life, and she is not the planner. Unfortunately I still have to listen to the endless whining, I really need to learn how to “tune” people out someday! *sigh*. Courtesy of said arguing, Reese refused to pick up the stuff Ma asked him to get from the grocer, hence this mornings wake up call. A few weeks ago, they ‘made up’ over issues of ancient history (my family never forgets anything!), and have been on increasingly nice terms until this week: now they are back to pissing each other off. My private thoughts on the matter of them settling old wars, were along the lines, “He must want something”, guess I was right. As normal, my family interacts with one another on a mercenary-like basis o/.

The toe has managed to survive another outing, but now it is band aided with tape keeping the band aid in place: epoxy adhesives are not always useful! At least on the up side…. my life has given me higher then average pain-thresholds both emotionally and physically, for better or worse.

Been rebuilding / revising a bucket list I created long ago, and also applying some of my machine-like thinking to furthering those ends, along with what I desire in life; but all in all, I just find it a very depressing project. I am used to hammering though problems: suck up information, study the situation, plot a course of action, and conduct it subject to in flight adjustments. That’s basically how my brain works, whether it takes five hundred milliseconds or five hundred hours to come to a viable conclusion.

There seems to be no way to dislodge the obstacles in my way, aside from turning my back on my own character… and that is much to high a price to pay. Perhaps further precise analyzation of things will prove other wise, but I am rather doubtful that it will :'(

Sometime during my SDL-related studies, I was interrupted and ended up in somewhat of a fire-arms quiz: it has really been a lustrum since I’ve followed developments, but I used to be quite knowledgeable for someone who doesn’t spend their time on a shooting range lol.

Actually, I find it kind of curious when I look back over my “focal points” of study. Toys and games got me into the study of weapon and vehicle technology, it was a design/engineering interest in aeronautics and ‘mechs that made me realize that math was useful, and it was computers that refined my analytical mind: training it beyond the obsessive-geek analyzation of Sci-Fi and technology, into what it is today. And it also seems, that computers are pulling me back into mathematics slowly bit by bit.

All in all, despite the time-loss: I was quite happy to see that while the study of firearms were largely displaced from my routine interests years ago, I am still not an ignoramus on the subject hehe 🙂

I really miss having a life…. instead of a todo list, lol

Just sorted Ma’s ecard, if she doesn’t check her email in the morning, well that’s her problem lol.

It’s always been a bit of a tradition of mine, to prep cards at the last minute: and usually hand made. Except the usual forced family card list for all the major holidays… lol.

In recent years, do to, you could say some rather unpleasant experiences, I have adapted ecards for my family. It has also been somewhat of a recent row, that I never gave her a card last Mother’s day, nor wished her a happy one. (Or was it the year before last, honestly I don’t keep track of all this shit!) There was a bit of a hateful argument involved, so I bugged out — the you can vent all you want to the wall, but I ain’t listening kind. It was my feeling, that such a sign of ‘weakness’ would be pounced upon and thrown back in my face, because really, that is the kind of family I’ve had to grow up in. We forget nothing, we are not capable of it; the question is what capacity is it maintained in…

As things are more docile this year, she gets both a card and a happy Mother’s Day… assuming she checks her email lol.

In my experience, members of my branch of the family, generally are better at exhibiting cruelty, hatred, and the like, then any inverse emotion. Such is the hell, called family. One of the things that differentiates me and most of my family, I choose to not be that way… most of the time that is. Because while I do not believe in hurting people more then necessary, I also will “bite” when hurting someone else, prevents them from hurting me even worse….

Only my family, has ever really had the power to wound me, and they are generally good at it, whether or not they intend to; so I always take any positive action on my part, with a grain of salt — in consideration of it invoking a backfire. That is one sad part of loving family, anyone you love, has infinite power over you: however they utilize it.

I honestly think, someday I will look upon most of my memories, as just another feeling to burn in the fire.

One way to tell I’m miserable, is when I stop coding…

I’ve effectively, not written a line of code since the third week of April or so… feeling a bit better now though, and the ideas have been cooking for the last 3 days… hehehehe 😀

Todays lunch is leftover meatballs, potatos, and a smothering of gravy, as the old timers call it.

One of the meatballs went flying, if the laws of physics were different, it would’ve rolled out the door with the dog in hot pursuit looool.

What I really need is aerobic exercise, and a way to [re]build [lost] endurance but that is kind of a major problem lol. If I actually had something to work with in terms of raw materials, I could at least build a primitive exercise bike or a treadmill, or something… I used to love running.

As good as no space, virtually no money (that reminds me, family hasn’t paid back most of my life savings yet!!!!), and essentially no freedom to go anywhere, or do anything outside the rats nest of a home, without ‘business’ to attend too. So, basically I am totally screwed anyway you slice it. Light strength training is about the only option, and even doing that here is like pulling teeth. I have enough physical strength to do most things I’ve ever had to do; only failure I ever had was trying to move a UPS, that likely weighed more then I did at the time lol.

It feels like living in a freaking prison, but one with decent food… and not much else.

my room: ~112 square feet on a wall to wall basis, but effectively 100 square feet due to the design cutting down on the *habitable* volume of the room

my free space: 4 square feet of open carpet

I.e. my room is basically a square, but when you take in to account what passes as furniture and all of the crap I’m stuck living with; that gives me a 4 1/2 by 6 1/2 foot area, whenever I am not sitting on the bed.

Last night I was watching a movie called Carbine Williams, about the genius; after looking at the scenes of the “hole” he was thrown in, really made me glad that I at least get to stretch my legs. Unfortunately, my life at home is just as good as dead, for all practical intentions…

oy.