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Sometime during my SDL-related studies, I was interrupted and ended up in somewhat of a fire-arms quiz: it has really been a lustrum since I’ve followed developments, but I used to be quite knowledgeable for someone who doesn’t spend their time on a shooting range lol.

Actually, I find it kind of curious when I look back over my “focal points” of study. Toys and games got me into the study of weapon and vehicle technology, it was a design/engineering interest in aeronautics and ‘mechs that made me realize that math was useful, and it was computers that refined my analytical mind: training it beyond the obsessive-geek analyzation of Sci-Fi and technology, into what it is today. And it also seems, that computers are pulling me back into mathematics slowly bit by bit.

All in all, despite the time-loss: I was quite happy to see that while the study of firearms were largely displaced from my routine interests years ago, I am still not an ignoramus on the subject hehe 🙂

I really miss having a life…. instead of a todo list, lol

Just sorted Ma’s ecard, if she doesn’t check her email in the morning, well that’s her problem lol.

It’s always been a bit of a tradition of mine, to prep cards at the last minute: and usually hand made. Except the usual forced family card list for all the major holidays… lol.

In recent years, do to, you could say some rather unpleasant experiences, I have adapted ecards for my family. It has also been somewhat of a recent row, that I never gave her a card last Mother’s day, nor wished her a happy one. (Or was it the year before last, honestly I don’t keep track of all this shit!) There was a bit of a hateful argument involved, so I bugged out — the you can vent all you want to the wall, but I ain’t listening kind. It was my feeling, that such a sign of ‘weakness’ would be pounced upon and thrown back in my face, because really, that is the kind of family I’ve had to grow up in. We forget nothing, we are not capable of it; the question is what capacity is it maintained in…

As things are more docile this year, she gets both a card and a happy Mother’s Day… assuming she checks her email lol.

In my experience, members of my branch of the family, generally are better at exhibiting cruelty, hatred, and the like, then any inverse emotion. Such is the hell, called family. One of the things that differentiates me and most of my family, I choose to not be that way… most of the time that is. Because while I do not believe in hurting people more then necessary, I also will “bite” when hurting someone else, prevents them from hurting me even worse….

Only my family, has ever really had the power to wound me, and they are generally good at it, whether or not they intend to; so I always take any positive action on my part, with a grain of salt — in consideration of it invoking a backfire. That is one sad part of loving family, anyone you love, has infinite power over you: however they utilize it.

I honestly think, someday I will look upon most of my memories, as just another feeling to burn in the fire.

One way to tell I’m miserable, is when I stop coding…

I’ve effectively, not written a line of code since the third week of April or so… feeling a bit better now though, and the ideas have been cooking for the last 3 days… hehehehe 😀

Todays lunch is leftover meatballs, potatos, and a smothering of gravy, as the old timers call it.

One of the meatballs went flying, if the laws of physics were different, it would’ve rolled out the door with the dog in hot pursuit looool.

What I really need is aerobic exercise, and a way to [re]build [lost] endurance but that is kind of a major problem lol. If I actually had something to work with in terms of raw materials, I could at least build a primitive exercise bike or a treadmill, or something… I used to love running.

As good as no space, virtually no money (that reminds me, family hasn’t paid back most of my life savings yet!!!!), and essentially no freedom to go anywhere, or do anything outside the rats nest of a home, without ‘business’ to attend too. So, basically I am totally screwed anyway you slice it. Light strength training is about the only option, and even doing that here is like pulling teeth. I have enough physical strength to do most things I’ve ever had to do; only failure I ever had was trying to move a UPS, that likely weighed more then I did at the time lol.

It feels like living in a freaking prison, but one with decent food… and not much else.

my room: ~112 square feet on a wall to wall basis, but effectively 100 square feet due to the design cutting down on the *habitable* volume of the room

my free space: 4 square feet of open carpet

I.e. my room is basically a square, but when you take in to account what passes as furniture and all of the crap I’m stuck living with; that gives me a 4 1/2 by 6 1/2 foot area, whenever I am not sitting on the bed.

Last night I was watching a movie called Carbine Williams, about the genius; after looking at the scenes of the “hole” he was thrown in, really made me glad that I at least get to stretch my legs. Unfortunately, my life at home is just as good as dead, for all practical intentions…

oy.

dang gum it…. charting ones television viewing history just has to lead to those, “Oh **** was that really that far back?” moments, doesn’t it? I really am starting to remember just how old I am, and how much I’ve been through over the years.

I stopped charting when I hit ’97, oy. I more or less ‘gave up’ on TV around 2003 or so: got to tired of never getting to watch anything worth watching without so many countless interruptions, that it became more stressful then ‘relaxing’ to just watch TV.

Funny, in all the years that I was a couch potato (cica 1992-2003), I was always in good shape — ran everywhere like a bat out of hell; didn’t want to miss a thing. Since giving up on that life, I stopped running, and ended up working more — end result is that I lost all of my running endurance. I used to be able to run long, hard, and fast for as long as my body physically could stand it. Haha, I still remember a foot race from many years ago, everyone thought I didn’t stand a chance because I was the short kid in the group but I was on the long legged pack-leaders ass all the way; while everyone else was choking on our dust so to speak ^_^. (That, and [ab]using a rudimentary knowledge of physics to optimize my route for acceleration rate, hehehehe).

I also spent a lot of my time every day practicing: kept myself nimble and thinkin’ on my toes. That also disappeared soon after because I was working “all the time”, it really started to get hellish. If you could imagine working to be burning fuel, life moved past afterburning, and becoming equally a burned out, shit for brains dead on arrival as the entails: or as I usually state it more politely, “I have known everything from working 1 day a week, to working multiple shifts, with only 3 days off in a month”. Actually having exercise, and being able to *enjoy it* got replaced with be hammered into the mud and made miserable every day of my existence.

I used to be a couch potato, first class with honours; in recent years TV has just been so much background noise rather then an interest. More recently, I get a few hours of pleasurable programming every couple months or so but still not a lot of real TV watching, no where near what it used to be.

By looking back over the programming I used to watch, and framing it in perspective with their times in history: it also helps me recall what life was like ‘back then’, in more a progressive way. So…. what has really changed that differentiates life between then and now? Less interest in TV in general, less freedom to go/do as I please, less going out *period* (****!), less of family infighting making trouble, less of ‘ducking’ the waring factions schemes^, less time for… hmm, let’s just say I got retired early from some things.

WTF man, I think I actually had a better life as a couch potato: at least back then, I actually got to go out, and leave this hell hole, outside of working hours……

Life right now, makes me feel like living in prison: only without the guards and even fewer good points. I’m still miserable most days of my life, but hey…. at least as an up side, fairly often I get 2-3 days off a week.

most of which get spent trapped here, or being monopolized by self-serving family. I also fin dit somewhat depressing, when it becomes realtivly easy to equate peoples actions tot he scope of getting what they want; FML

Willow was trying to push me off the bed, and ended up basically sitting on my stomach and table, with her paws at the laptop, so I said…

“Are you going to write code for the computer Willow? Can I train you to program?”

She looked at me as if to say: what the F are you talking about, I’m just here for the attention xD xD xD

Honestly, in terms of expressing complex information: if mathematics was compared to programming languages, I can’t help but wonder: would it be the most expressive or just the most (lovingly) terse language?