Uncategorized

For the past week or so, I have been plotting to free myself of this life: bit by bit, byte by byte, phase by phase…

To be honest, I’ve never really feared death, but then again, I have never counted on living very long either. I’ve always expected that I’ll pop off somewhere in my 30s or 40s — but would rather live to a ripe old age and a half. Anything after that… well, I guess you could say it would be like a gift from GOD. Genetically, one thing i have going for me is most people in my family are long lived; going at least as far back as (linearly) distant relative in Italy, who is said to have passed 100 lol.

I’ve always looked at the future, planning is a part of me; I often fly by the seat of my pants but I know when things require the effort of planning, and when they don’t.

Growing up, we survived on social security (a check for each kid), ma basically decided to milk it for all it was worth plus interest lol. Ironically, although no one actually had a job when I was a kid, I was raised that you get up, you go to work, no matter what. The standing thing was, the respective funds would run out when we reached the appointed age (16, plus way back when it continued into HS if you took long enough), so obviously it would be job time. Imagine, growing up with an impending doom hanging over your head: that someday your entire world would be tipped on its hinge, and all would fall to earth. Never being one to accept such bad omens; I largely disregarded thinking about it as a kid, and instead focused on growing up and decided that I would worry about that when it was time to cross the bridge. My agreement was to get a job when the time came, no problem, no challenge, just a simple fact of life… no problem, yeh? When I hit high school, her royal pain decided to start up this business as a way of making some extra money in preparation for the [i.e. my] last check running out. The cleaning would help pay off the high school course, and earn up some savings…. yeah, fat F’ing chance! Fast forward through the last 5-6 years of living: never saved a freakin’ dime, her choice of starting this business ensured not only that I did not have to go and get a job (as ground into me since an early age lol), but that doing so became impossible… thanks a lot ma.

One positive if not perfect thing of it, that change of plans also allowed me to go further into my personal studies (technology, science, etc), I should be thankful in some sick way: because other wise, I might never have discovered coding with such vigor.

On the other hand, that same change in plans also cost me most of my studies! Math/physics died out for the longest time, aeronautics required way to much effort in computation, history couldn’t fit into the day anymore, even my regular exercises and CQC practice all went out the window… and then proceeded to suck out every decent part of my life, that does not involve a fscking computer! So all in all… I ain’t that thankful. I’m largely trapped here these days, ffs I don’t even have the freedom to choose to walk to the damn blasted mail box; can it get much worse, I dunno, and I dun’t want to know.

After some careful thought, I’ve decided to call the plot, “Operation Redeemer”, which is in my honest opinion quite appropriate considering the meaning of the words redeem and redemption. Pretty soon, I’ll be turning 21 years… a point where *no one*, not even my mother can contest that I have some measure of legal right to freedom.

I have, in my own opinion: both a meticulous and sincere nature. As the latter controls the former from doing harm, it is not always benitfious in a family like this. Lately I have been applying that meticulous attention to solving problems, the problems of how to get from where I am shackled — to where I want to be headed in life.

I wish I knew better and at an early age, what I wanted out of life: the last decade has passed fairly quickly, and the last 3-4 years almost like a blur of toils. I always figured growing up, getting a job at ~18 as expected would open the doors to moving on with life… despite the issues involved, I suppose it was worth looking forward to. I also figured by the early/mid 20s things would hopefully be at a good place in life, and to let nature take its course; with the hopes of eventually settling down around late 20s: and being free of the years of family-in-fighting.

So much for that 8=)

I divide Operation Redeemer into outlooks, objectives, and phases. Outlooks are the short term, mid term, and long term scope: objectives fit into the outlooks. The phases are the principals of the objectives. It is also somewhat a depressing series of mental-processing tasks….

short term — the next few years

drivers license.

Currently the only way I can cover the costs of maintaining one, is for H.R.P. to foot the bill, which she would do fine… the only problem being, of course why I currently don’t have a license as is: http://sas-spidey01.livejournal.com/318927.html

petrol supply.

best way to get around the aforementioned issue set, is to GET IT IN F’ING RIGHTING!!! Or should we say…. a signed document stating that HRP covers the gas usage as composition, irrevocably or I ‘revoke’ my presence in this business… which would bring the hole life tumbling down period: however through applied positioning it would become Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD). The goal would be to utilize her promises in order to move towards reclaiming my freedom: and when she forgets and threatens to pull the plug (on what would hopefully be a much freer form of living then I have now), have it in writing to remind her: along with the MAD clause ;). Of course, said document would likely have no legal value what so ever, it would just provide leverage over the “forgetful, opinionated, and automatically right” nature that so many people have.

freedom of motion

with that assured: it should actually be possible to GTFO out of here periodically. Having to put up with the limitations of a learners permit slows it down but hey… I’ve only had to watch most of the last sequence of years be squandered for the benefit of my family, I can afford to be patient. Once the times up… it will be time to make use of every avenue possible. One of my first intentions, is the library. It’s an old saying of those who know me:
“He would live in the library if he could”, and I would lol. It is also a nice, quite, comfortable place to BUG OUT of here, and be able to relax, read, maybe even bring my laptop and hack at some code while the battery lives. In point of insurance policy: by 22, I am sure no one on the face of the earth (who is still alive!) can deny I have a right to exercise free will, and go where I like, in a free country, subject to the law. As for car access…. that HRP has legal authority over; in the planned case however without it, I would simply adapt “or else”. Because quite simply if I can’t drive, I’ll walk — and take my chances getting run over. Actually, especially in the libraries case (2-3 miles) I would prefer to walk (exercise!!!). With the way GA drivers are, that threat might even work to my advantage if it became neccessary… lol.

mid term — intermediary

The means to actually make use of newfound freedom… that means pocket money. Actually one odd thought that popped into my head last night; a job with light enough work that I won’t be freaking dead 24/7, yet with hours that could be squeezed in around existing business (since there is no escape from it). Ideal, would be working nights: just in time to come home around 5am and pass out before work, lol. With some measure of reliability to scheduling, even most weekdays could be open; since I’m generally off work from 15:00Q until 09:30~10:00Q the following morning. Heck, even if it was only 12 hours a week (which is ludicrous imho: barely worth the gasoline lol) and at minimum wage…. Let’s say, its as much as $4 an hour after the compulsory government and business related skims. Even that level would be good… *if* it was all turned into profit, as opposed to say, family bleeding my dry for every penny they can dig. Then it would be possible to save up and still have a bit of pocket money for once. In considering whats around here, the only thing that seems like it would have a chance of working out for, would be working at a gas station; probably not likely to find that these days. Maybe it’s some form of irony, that such a thing would come to mind: since my pa worked at a gas station when he was younger, and learned from the mechanics. Then again, full-service stations were probably the normal back then and I bet modern self-service stations were designed to cut man power costs!

Another thing I’ve thought about, is trying to scrounge up some decent web work, just shorties preferably. Something that could generate a bit of capitol to put towards continuing the effort. Funds permitting, it wouldn’t be to hard to score a years web hosting, setting a site offering design / training, and try to make use of available media for advertising; you would be surprised how much you can do in this place, if you have the money to make money: and a fair measure of luck. All in all though (especially with the luck I’ve got in life), I doubt it would ever make enough income to be self sustaining, let along profitable for me, but alas, a spider can dream (and plot).

Find a solution to the gaping hole in my life… well that is easier said then done, but having the means to move in that direction would certainly help!!! Either way, a large part of this objective is in GODs hands…

long term — coming to the close of the next 10-15 years

Be saving and close to the point of being able to get my own wheels.

I’ve always planned to move out by 30, married or not. Personally, I would prefer to first option but could be happy enough with the means to do get out of here.

and that’s as much, as I can stomach writing down for now…

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep in the last ~72 hours
Maybe it’s the war between fine and depressing
Maybe it’s life sucking the energy out of me
Maybe it’s the lack of peace in my life
Maybe it’s always being pressed for time

but I feel like s***!!!

I dunno what is worse… that it is only 06:30Z, that I’ve been awake so long, or that there is nothing I can get done before work 2morrow that I actually feel like doing…. despite the fact that I can’t sleep, lol

oy

Not even taking the time to boot into X, writing this from a vtty for later posting; gotta start getting dressed for work in about 5 minute.

This morning, I was informed that H.R.P. and Prince Asshole (haha) are no longer talking, when told that if my brother wanted to talk to her, that I would have to be the relay…. I told ma *NO*, “I’ve had enough years of doing that, to last me a life time”. I can still remember the years, I spent relaying their messages over the phone; that’s part of while I’ve shunned phones for most communication purposes (the others being lack of privacy here, and that IMs lend itself better to abusing multi-tasking then phone conversations).

It seems they are moving nearly a decade back, as opposed to taking a foreword direction of travel… and doing it gladly on both sides! This time around: my neutrality will be suitably respected during their waring &mdash or to borrow H.R.P.s speech pattern, I’ll ‘excommunicate’ them from the family!

I’ve had enough of this horse shit to last several dozen life times.

/* their ‘alternative’ forms of address are chosen in order to avoid proper names, and still be as “polite” as possible */

I **really** need a fsckin’ vacation!!!

I think, given the choice: I would just sail away, away from the things of man, and let everyone rot… since that’s what they love to do the most.

*sigh*

I think I’ve had about 2~3 hours sleep… it was after 06:00Q when I logged off, guess fiddling with Xerces and G++ took longer then I expected; had planned to finish up, grab a bowl of cereal, and hit the hay before 04:30 lol.

No luck what so ever trying to sleep, 7 o’clock passed by like lighting as birds chirped outside, by 10:30Q I was woken up in order to be dragged out on a shopping expedition 8=). Managed to cram my flubbed up toe into an old shoe, and limp most of the way though… oi.

Due to a disagreement over my brothers (2nd) wedding, my mother has effectively decided to blackball the event and excommunicate him from the family — again. As usual, I avoid becoming involved in the conflict: it is none of my business, its his life, and she is not the planner. Unfortunately I still have to listen to the endless whining, I really need to learn how to “tune” people out someday! *sigh*. Courtesy of said arguing, Reese refused to pick up the stuff Ma asked him to get from the grocer, hence this mornings wake up call. A few weeks ago, they ‘made up’ over issues of ancient history (my family never forgets anything!), and have been on increasingly nice terms until this week: now they are back to pissing each other off. My private thoughts on the matter of them settling old wars, were along the lines, “He must want something”, guess I was right. As normal, my family interacts with one another on a mercenary-like basis o/.

The toe has managed to survive another outing, but now it is band aided with tape keeping the band aid in place: epoxy adhesives are not always useful! At least on the up side…. my life has given me higher then average pain-thresholds both emotionally and physically, for better or worse.

Been rebuilding / revising a bucket list I created long ago, and also applying some of my machine-like thinking to furthering those ends, along with what I desire in life; but all in all, I just find it a very depressing project. I am used to hammering though problems: suck up information, study the situation, plot a course of action, and conduct it subject to in flight adjustments. That’s basically how my brain works, whether it takes five hundred milliseconds or five hundred hours to come to a viable conclusion.

There seems to be no way to dislodge the obstacles in my way, aside from turning my back on my own character… and that is much to high a price to pay. Perhaps further precise analyzation of things will prove other wise, but I am rather doubtful that it will :'(

*sigh*

Sometime during my SDL-related studies, I was interrupted and ended up in somewhat of a fire-arms quiz: it has really been a lustrum since I’ve followed developments, but I used to be quite knowledgeable for someone who doesn’t spend their time on a shooting range lol.

Actually, I find it kind of curious when I look back over my “focal points” of study. Toys and games got me into the study of weapon and vehicle technology, it was a design/engineering interest in aeronautics and ‘mechs that made me realize that math was useful, and it was computers that refined my analytical mind: training it beyond the obsessive-geek analyzation of Sci-Fi and technology, into what it is today. And it also seems, that computers are pulling me back into mathematics slowly bit by bit.

All in all, despite the time-loss: I was quite happy to see that while the study of firearms were largely displaced from my routine interests years ago, I am still not an ignoramus on the subject hehe 🙂

^_^

I really miss having a life…. instead of a todo list, lol

Just sorted Ma’s ecard, if she doesn’t check her email in the morning, well that’s her problem lol.

It’s always been a bit of a tradition of mine, to prep cards at the last minute: and usually hand made. Except the usual forced family card list for all the major holidays… lol.

In recent years, do to, you could say some rather unpleasant experiences, I have adapted ecards for my family. It has also been somewhat of a recent row, that I never gave her a card last Mother’s day, nor wished her a happy one. (Or was it the year before last, honestly I don’t keep track of all this shit!) There was a bit of a hateful argument involved, so I bugged out — the you can vent all you want to the wall, but I ain’t listening kind. It was my feeling, that such a sign of ‘weakness’ would be pounced upon and thrown back in my face, because really, that is the kind of family I’ve had to grow up in. We forget nothing, we are not capable of it; the question is what capacity is it maintained in…

As things are more docile this year, she gets both a card and a happy Mother’s Day… assuming she checks her email lol.

In my experience, members of my branch of the family, generally are better at exhibiting cruelty, hatred, and the like, then any inverse emotion. Such is the hell, called family. One of the things that differentiates me and most of my family, I choose to not be that way… most of the time that is. Because while I do not believe in hurting people more then necessary, I also will “bite” when hurting someone else, prevents them from hurting me even worse….

Only my family, has ever really had the power to wound me, and they are generally good at it, whether or not they intend to; so I always take any positive action on my part, with a grain of salt — in consideration of it invoking a backfire. That is one sad part of loving family, anyone you love, has infinite power over you: however they utilize it.

I honestly think, someday I will look upon most of my memories, as just another feeling to burn in the fire.