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All I see around me is hatred, anger, and cruelty…
This is not of me, but of the world that surrounds me.
I was once asked, “Will you be kind or will you be cruel?”
I had asked it of myself, and I chose not to be cruel…
There is little anger left in me, I do not wish to hate,
and I can not bear to be like that which surrounds me.
Man doesn’t live by bread alone, yet how we live on.
Even when there is nothing left but emptiness.
Just that same pain and sorrow
Just that same blackness of night
As they lash out at the nearest targets
I have gone thousands of miles for you out of love,
yet you could not go but one mile for my sake?
“Am I nothing more then an tool?”
Ends can never completely justify their means.
I have shouldered more then my fair share of things,
yet if I stop acting as they strike around me
I am surrounded with a fury… Stricken without regard, with no logic.
I fear, like a wild beast they will descend upon me
To the slightest sign of weakness, like wolfs unto fresh blood.
I will not be capitulated by the actions that causes my refusal.
And I am beatend down for it, even if I refuse in silent.
Only my GOD sees the cuts and scares across my heart
HE’s the one that walks beside me, pulling the blades from my sides.
HE sees what no one else sees, what even they do not see.

Once I sought a reason to live, it lay close at hand.
My memories haunt me, fore I have nothing else but memories.
Of what once was, of what may have been.
Even that has deserted me, I have but one strength..
The flesh is able but the spirit is weak LORD,
Oh how I long to feel again, even just for a moment…
That which was lost; did it truly exist?
My heart twisted, my guts rended, my mind cut.
for what ends?
To that sorrowful fate as the waves came crashing down
No one else by my side, set a drift across a river of pain.
YOU were there when I washed up on the other shore.
The ones that sent me, long gone…
I think I once may have known what it was.
Perhaps I was not meant to find it,
perhaps I am but a fool..
But there is only so much I can bear LORD, I don’t have your strength.

You are like the mountains, strong and unchangeable.
I, like the worm whither and frail in the winds that come.
Nothing to lose but my future,
nothing to gain but a moments pleasure
That bitter sweet memory of what once was.
I once had a dream, but it is gone from me.

I didst fall into that trap, like a fly to the web.
Only to be ripped apart by the creature that lay within.
Yet I could not bring myself to leave, for that sorrowful fate…
That lay behind me.
Of what was, and what may have been.
Tis’ nothing more then to haunt me.
I let it go, I can’t hold on to it any longer.
Yet, I stand still…
I draw the breath you give me,
but what more is there for me?
How much longer can I endure…
YOU endured so much for me, how can I not continue?
LORD keep my feet moving along the path
Direct them along the right road
I no longer know my course
Be it to my destruction or my salvation
Lead the way, I have nothing left to fear.

— The world around me, myself, March 2008.

Some how I find the current track in my playlist ironic…

Oy…

Spent most of the evening moving furniture about. Lugging a couch out and two beds in, not much fun really. For much of the day my minds been some where between thinking about things I shouldn’t and trying not to think about them.

I suppose that is one of the problems with a long memory I guess, you remember things well…

The only highlight, Summer Rental was on, very good John Candy movie. My thought, “Take me home”, I ain’t been to the beach in so long… Maybe some day I’ll see one again.

A little thing I’ve wanted to do for awhile now… Make myself a decent signature. Generally on [SAS] forums I just use my XFire block (required) and a link to my live journal. Other places, gaming wise I usually clone my sigblock from my E-Mail and convert the 22nd [SAS] EVR part to a link to our home page.

I’m really not a sig crazed person lol. I was looking through the Sigs folder in my saved images. I have all of the ones I’ve used, mostly made by two of my friends that used to be heavy into that stuff. And a few of their own that I thought worth saving as mementos.

So I set out to create one myself:

Prototype #7

Prototype #9

I had screwed up and couldn’t get it as I wanted it, so I over laid parts of the background on top of the face. Although I thought it made sense to it that way, I really think #9 looks better.

The solider is Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater and the woman is “Ivy” Valentine from Soul Calibur.

Both game series and the characters have meaning to me, and I think for my mind this is a good combination. I don’t really expect any one but me to understand it, if I did I probably wouldn’t have bothered making it.

Whoever wins, the battle does not end.
The loser is set free from the battlefield,
while the winner must remain there.
And the survivor will live out his life
as the warrior until the day he dies.

— Big Boss, 1990, in Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake.

A specter of this past…

You know your internet connection sucks when you are only…

• downloading two files over ftp, maybe 150mb in all
• streaming music from a server probably 20-30 klicks away
• browsing 8-12 web pages in tabs in flock
• connected to AIM, MSN, YIM, ICQ, and LJTalk through Pidgin
• On irc.freenode.com in 4 #channels (using konversation for the client)

And the music keeps stuttering LOL.

Either that or you just multi task to dang much…. HAHAHA !

*sighs* there goes any slack I get :

I’m looking at an assignment coming my way that I’m not fond of, one of those “I will but don’t want” kind of assignments… Of course I take it unquestionably, I know no other response.

I ain’t leaving my teammate high & dry.

If he can take his own work load in the arrangement… I can take mine. I’ll pass out when he does <_<
And so begins… an interesting journey.

It’s some what odd really, one way or the I hear a lot of things. People tell me, some times I’m just included, etc. I’ll never quite get it lool but that’s the way things are. Any way you slice it, I’m a pair of ears with a strong lock’n’key on what they hear.

Marriages don’t always work out, but I can’t honestly fathom some things. I think, if you ever truly love a person that you never stop loving them.

If I didn’t believe that, maybe my own life wouldn’t be so miserable at times. But if I did believe such was possible, well it would certainly be an empty life to live.

Things can get fraged, aye — some times beyond repair, and some times to a point that they must be done with. Perhaps I am strange but I place more value on the concept then most of my peers.

If the heart had eyes, we would all be single, and we’d have plenty of enemies but no friends.

Hmm, not so sure if that is all bad or not some times… But for most people probably not a good one lol. Oh well, it is a strange world.

Between ma’s TV, my playlist, and the birds screeching I think I’m getting a headache lol.

Sitting about, gnoshing on some chips with the dog, and waiting on some [SAS] Business, other wise I’d be flat out of here and to my laptop <_<

Oh well, time to play it good and loud (y)

*SIGH*

Bored as watching molasses roll down a hill on a cold day

Yet to tired to actually do much of any thing [useful] :

Not very interested in tinkering with the files in ~/Documents/Personal/ at the moment.. I write what I feel, and organize the thoughts later: not some thing I am in the mood for tonight.

In the same directory is a folder with the files for a book I have been working on, on/off since like 2004’ish. Not really in the mood to /concentrate/ on it but at least it would be some thing to do, especially if I opted for working on a part that comes a bit more natural…

Then again, that includes the things I’m trying to distance myself from..

~/Documents/Computers/Vi-User-HOWTO is still not finished yet although there is only a few more paragraphs to do. I just don’t have the strength for it tonight.

I really need to get back to work on both NPM and my home work, the code is almost ready for a beta release, both just needs me with energy and free time combined.

One thing I have noticed, I find kghostview much better then kpdf, combines the performance of ghostscripts viewer and the ease of use the kde programs have. I can’t help but wonder what the new viewer in KDE4 will be like performance wise.

2340 GMT and finally home from work and able to sit down’ish…

One of those moments where you see things a little bit differently. As if the
clouds are gone, as if you took a step off that cliff and now you see the stars
rushing before your eyes (before you go SPLAT).

Often I’ve had a (bad) day when I’ve felt that if I was any one else I know, I
would probably be stark raving drunk. S’course that is not how I operate so I
don’t spend my time that way.

But what am I? But doing the same thing as any drunkerd, different sword, same
purpose. To escape from the pain, to be free of that tiney little hell.. even if
for mere moments.

The drunk looks for his relief in the bottom of a bottle. Is it any different
then what I do? With this constant busyness, what purpose can it seve but furfil
that same cycle.

I’m not busy as I am, because I must be but because I wish to be. So why do I
wish to be? Yet what is there for me if I am not. I must learn to forget the
past, let it be the past as I look forward to the future.

Yet I cannot walk in the same way, the same patterns. Who do I kill but myself?
I’m not the one with problems, I’m the one people come to with problems.. That
is strange but it’s been fairly constant during my life.

And I have no problem with it, what else could I do but offer my ear?

Yet I walk alone, where so few may enter that chamber. Not of my own free will,
but of my surroundings I say to myself.. Yet it is a lie, yes if only to myself
that I may lie.

I’ve sought out the busyness of my life, until such a point I am nearer to
collapse. Because I can’t bear to see the same thoughts pass through my mind,
how else can I give myelf peace?

But what am I doing but wasting my life.

I once said, if not more then once said. That I could forgive almost any thing,
perhaps it is true. I don’t really hold any thing against any one, don’t
honestly know if I could. Save against myself, easely to forgive anohter but not
so easy my own deeds.

I say, the blame lay with her not with me

but does it not with us all? As I look back upon a time of my life. One where
pain and love were well intermixed. I see there that demon, that very demon.

What else can I do? But face myself, without a shield, weapononless.

There is no one else to hide from, there is no need to hide.

Why then do I kill myself in this endless toil? To drown in it as another man
would drown in Vodka.

To no more length can I hold onto the past, let it rest and be forgotton. I can
not walk alone into the future, be it through a valley of shadows or into sun
shine.

Face that terror, do not be bound by it but destroy it. See it for what it is,
and never surrender to it.

I feel in a way, as if I’ve been walking along on that road, ever so long. That
I did not see this steep drop in front of me, and now I tumble, down, down
through that abyss. And only GOD know’th what be on the other side.

To a new future do we embark, in search of that underscovered country, be it
ever so sweet, or ever so empty. Over the hill, through the valley, and out into
the light.

Where only the free may walk, free of there own terrors.

— the musings of my mind.

Perhaps I now know why that specter of my dreams, haunts me so.