A very personal train of thought:

Like an animal, I’m pacing a cage, trying to figure my way out of it forever more… Pattrick Henry’s words resounding inside my skull. There must be liberty, or there must be death, there is no third option in this world of tyranny.

When I’m of use, I’m taken out and dusted off for a spell, then I’m thrown again into the darkness, like so much rubbish. I don’t share my families mercenary ways, of going tit for tat, and so on. But after submitting my back to the lash for so many years, can’t I even be cared for, this little? No, I’m bound and that is it: that’s all anyone cares about here. I push to move forward, and all they can do, is tighten the chains about my neck in response. It’s like having a hand grasping my throat, cutting off the air to my lungs. The status quo must change, yet everyone seeks to keep it in check, less their bubble of power collapse.

There’s only been two things that I’ve desired in my life, and I’ve always been denied them. How often, have I argued that it will always be so? It’s like having your guts scrapped out with an ice cream scoop: only without death so quick to follow. What point is there to any of this, if it must always be the same prison?

After such painful loyalty, is it to much to ask, to move ones arse a bit? I’ve worked myself raw, I’ve worked beyond the point of collapse and kept on going, just to be trodden upon for it. No one ever cares, nor tries to understand what they do, it’s like staring into a brick wall: one without any ears to hear. At best just mentioning what this does to my soul, only makes me appear all the riper a whipping post. It’s like living as an asset, like an animal in a pen. Am I such a beast, that I must be locked away from the suns rays? Now I can only dream of the light, and at this rate: someday even that will be taken away from me.

If you treat someone like an animal for long enough, what will he become?

To love, to be hated
To yield your best, to be given bitter wine
To slave, to be buried beneath the rock
To taste salvation, only to have it ripped away
To call for justice, only to be imprisoned
To live, only to die
It’s been life in a nutshell.

— Terry P[snip] 2010-05-14

The simple facts for those that can’t see the path behind me:

  • My family has shown me enough about what it means to hate, that I gave up my vindictiveness a long time ago. People mellowing with age doesn’t change that.
  • You don’t know the meaning of ‘work’, unless you’ve hurt from head to toe, and still had to go hours more without ceasing. — to be insulted and cussed at the entire time, than made to do it again once you get home!
  • I have already been made to watch most positive parts of my world be pulled away, only to be converted into a solitary hermit: that may as well be kept under lock and key. That is as often as I may, and how often as I have the means to taste free air, and what the status quo has been kept at for years.
  • You don’t know what it means to serve, until you’ve done it 24/7/365 for years on end, only to be made utterly miserable the entire time. The only good thing I can say, is I’ve never had tomatoes thrown at me.
  • Real depression looks like hells deepest pit.
  • I have always been more concerned with why people decide to do things, rather than what things they decide to do. Cause is more important than effect.
  • Just to be able to get the measly amount of practice time that I have been getting (~1.5h/week), I’ve had to be prepared to sever all family ties, period.
  • Getting my family to do anything helpful when I need it, is like trying to carve Mount Rushmore with a toothpick.
  • I will not stoop to the devils play book.

Is it any wonder that my moods of late, have been such anti-images of blissful happiness? I’m fighting for my very right to live—against those who only need stall for a enough years more, to give them victory over me. Having to put up with that ‘why’ to the actions family takes, doesn’t go without cutting up a few scars along the way. Unlike my how my blood family tends to act, I don’t and won’t abuse people when my moods are horrible: it would violate my principals.

Putting a chipper smile on my face while I deal with such things, on the other hand is to much to ask.