Couldn’t sleep, so I just read for a couple hours; finished the book easily and thought on it for a while. Just gave up on trying to sleep. Replaced morning stretches with working on my legs, feels a bit better but standing/walking still feels like daggers. I decided to tone down the exercises, I limited to forty reps spread over sets of ten to twenty. Obviously I omitted anything that puts to much strain on the legs lol. Lunges were replaced by mid snaps without the vigour, and squats/lifts with sth I learned some time ago that for  working the upper back/shoulders. Most of my normal exercises go for the upper body anyway. Definitely skipping on running yet again, but not skipping breakfast this time…

The real question is whether or not my legs will ever forgive me yesterdays march lol.

After a day of aching from the thighs down, and having to face work tomorrow with plenty of climbing up and down stairs. I think any spare time will be spent sitting for a change, instead of pacing back and forth :-S.

A long walk is like everything else in the world, you survive it by continuing to put one foo in front of the other, until you keel over. That and having problems with surrender, helps.

30 some klicks of persistence

Just got home a little bit ago, went for a very long (~6 hour) walk intermixed with a few km of jogging. Just mapped it out and it amounts to about 30km foot travel. That’s actually a bit slow for me, but after the first ~20km, I was out of water and essentially creeping forward on stumps.

Filled my canteen and left around 1635 local, HRP even tried to deny me the water 8=). Was a nice argument just to get out for a bit of walking, but I did say that I would becoming back! Took a more round about path around down town as a warm up, through what could be said to be the local equivalent of the ‘wrong’ side of the tracks, but still got there. Made a wrong turn that added a good hour to things, which I hadn’t wanted, but also found an excellent short cut through safer ground because of it. That path would still be faster by foot or car than the usual path. Had church on the brain, so I guess I ended up heading towards that. Took a five minute break by the side of the road after the first three hours or so, stretched my legs, took my shoes off to check my feet: and ripped off part of the insoles to reduce how much it digs into the bottoms of my feet. Turned back for home after that, because so much time had passed that I would likely be getting home after dark.

I walked so far that I actually ended up having to give a sheriff my state ID and learners permit, and he confirmed that I was well within my rights. Sounded a bit impressed when I answered his questions about where I had walked from. Don’t get it, it’s not that far… unless maybe you drive every where lol. Still had about 1/3 litre of water in my canteen (1 litre capacity :-().

Changed routes on the way back, because the road I had spent most of my time on, is dark as piss once the sun sets. On the upside, form the main highway I was able to see the sun set. Got home around 22:30-22:40 local time. The last ten or twelve kilometres is what really killed me: but like normal, once I take a proper break, I’m ready to rock. I’m not even tired now… lol. Fetched myself a water and poured myself a ginger ale (for the sugar content) as soon as I got in, than sat down to rip my shoes off and stick the stumps in water.

Spent about an hour on the phone with my brother, mostly oriented on his dislike for sth I wrote in my journal about him being “Useless” on the driving war 8=). It’s typical. Either way, I don’t count things until they are actioned; something that our mother could do well to learn herself! Coming up on nearly 5 years of keeping a journal, I should probably just be surprised anyone notices it. Spent most of the hour after that dealing with my mother o/. Anyone who thinks of me in the context of being paranoid, rude, worrying to much, or even griping to much: all I can say, get to know my mother as well as I do, and you’ll see that about ten thousand fold lol.

Missed dinner but I don’t really care, was more thirsty than anything else. I’m also wide freaking awake and could probably do a few hours worth of my regular exercise cycles… and still be just as awake. I’m not interested in walking another thirty some kilometres any time soon, but in the end, it was actually far less tiring than what that a good day at work used to look like. I did however accomplish what I had aimed to achieve: getting out of this rats nest and clearing my head of its thoughts. Of course, that took almost five hours of walking… but that is a different problem :-S.

Either way, I’ve probably done more walking today, than my mother moves in an entire year!

I must say, after nearly two days awake and several dark moods, passing out cold for an hour or two really helps improve ones disposition!

What kind of fool shaves at two o’clock in the morning? Only two kinds: s.b. that has to be at work before dawn, or s.b. that can’t sleep for shit.

Which I am, is a no brainer.

Skumped again!

Perhaps one plus of the entire shitty day was HRPs choice of film over dinner: The Snake Pit. While it’s become a favourite film, the way things have been here lately, I can’t help but enjoy a film about an insane asylum. Sometimes I start to wonder where I’ll land in the end.

Tonight was supposed to be a chance for some night driving, but her royal pain the mega bitch has reneged yet again. I can’t help but remember, that my mothers every fibre of being, extends little further than what it takes to ensure that she can continue to sleep, eat, and shit. The rest of the world can generally rot as far as she is concerned. That’s my mother in a nut shell.

Sometimes I wish I could erase enough of my soul, to just meet things with the decisive violence that they deserve. It’s the only thing some people can comprehend. I may consider myself to be selfish from surviving this shit hole, but at least I fucking care about people. That’s more than some can prove. What the fuck do I have to do, make like a five year old and sit on the floor banging a wooden spoon on a metal pot until she gets served an eviction notice by the land lord? At least it would make a statement that can’t be ignored. More likely she would have me arrested lol.

Selfish or just incapable of caring, she is still a road block that is not be easily dislodged. Her “parole” as it were in this matter of getting my license, runs out soon: then the war of foot travel goes another inning.  For the lack I have of weapons in dealing with this matter, I can’t help but think, that this is what I get for learning to physically defend the fucktards that I’m related to, instead of studying politics and the like. If I was dying in the middle of the street, you could bank on my own flesh and blood being the last fucks to offer aid, let along call a paramedic.

One of my favourite artists did a song a couple years back, about a relationship that ended as “Just another picture to burn“. I can’t help but wonder, if I make it through another twenty years on this rock they call earth, if I’ll look back on the first twenty as just a set of memories to burn. There’s scarcely anything to look back on positively, except an example of what kinds of person that I can’t stand to ever become. Yeah, I think that will be the fate of it all: burn it.

You know, when you’ve been awake for most of the last ~20 hours and it’s not even noon yet, a certain sth starts sounding like a good idea :-/.