Year: 2010

Somersault over eggshells, across the horn of thine ancestors, around perditions flame, and down the tunnel of hell. Is it not in malady, where our sanity is to be found?

Breakfast: one plain waffle because I feel about as empty as a dry well. Should stay down well enough..

I think I’m averaging about 20-21 hours consistently awake, slightly more or less depending on what I’m dreaming.

When things are more tolerable, I tend to sleep longer, if they’re more agitative, I usually wake up sooner. It blows if you pass out around 23 and end up wide awake before 0100 even arrives o/.

Sometimes I’ll get up and try and do a bit of exercise, mostly if Willow is still sound asleep. Whatever fits into a few minutes: before scratching claws, barking, and shouting turns up. Other times I just skip it and deploy the laptop next to me so there’s something to listen to. Starting to learn 94.9’s daily schedule :-/. Either way there’s only trifles to fill all that time. Most of the time, there’s nothing in the universe except the ticking of my mind.

One thing I have noticed from experience, is I start to dream very quickly if at all. Sometimes it’s like I only dozed off for five or ten minutes from when I last saw the clock, but I feel like most of the hours passed. It’s been rare that I’ve been able to sleep uninterrupted, after a while, I just give up on trying to get back to sleep at all. I check the clock at intervals when I’m awake, and in/between bathroom trips. Got into the habit from the years I spent, having to *try* and be snoozing by a certain cut off point (that never worked) in order to be somewhere on time, and sufficient awake. Someone once joked about my lack of caffeine 8=).

Can’t say the same for everyone, but my dreams tend to be very vivid. Anything I see or feel in a dream, it’s sharp, it’s like a smooth crystal. Whether it’s the feel of sth against my skin or a train of reasoning, it doesn’t matter. It can be scarily accurate at times. A lot of times if I dream about something that I’ve never experienced, than end up going through it later on for real, it’s a lot of the same sensation, or there will be a ‘how did I know that?’ thought between my ears when I’ve never done it before, it’s freaking weird at times. Reminds me of Paul Atreides and the stillsuit.

Most of my life, I’ve thought about my dreams as crazy or better than television, but lately, it’s just something I would rather forget about as soon as my eyes flutter open. What’s the point of sleeping, if you’re not going to find rest? Only upside that experience can show me, is that time passes quicker and my mother shouts louder if I sleep longer. With how frequently I wake up now’re days, it’s not even worth that much.

After giving up on trying to go back to sleep, I loaded the computer back up, so I could at least have some music; only for the radio stream to be on the fritz. At least I was able to catch the morning show :-/.

Except for a few minor interruptions, I basically spent 7-8 hours staring at a computer screen.  Just looking at the list of options for most of it, my limbs still hurt from the lack of motion. I’ve compiled every possibility, I’ve run the math more times than I can count, it all sucks. The deadline to action off an answer passes in tee minus twelve days.

Waited to find out whether or not today’s opportunity for driving would get shurked like yesterdays plans, or if ma would be cooperative. It sucks to have to computate that for hours on end. That’s how you turn a mood a few shades of colour. After a bit of pushing, it finally happened. Today’s time brings me up to 25.25 hours out of the required 40… if I could just get a little more than an hour a day, it would be possible. More likely I’ll have a bit over 3 hours across this entire week, all *7* days, and that’s double a normal week, fml… that’s counting whatever happens Friday, assuming it happens, plus errands.

Applying proper weight to things, stresses life until a point where it’s just a question of who gets a stroke first: me or my mother. Leaving snoring beasts be, things just inch forward like snails going up a hill. I’ve nothing to do but think, think, and think. Nothing.

Was given the equation today, that there’s resources enough for three more fill ups this month. I ran the numbers in my head, roughly 20mpg on a 13+ gal tank with the family Ford, usually filled up around half a tank, so say just under 6gal of petrol per fill up times three. That’s well over 300 miles worth of fuel and there are 5 days work remaining for the whole fucking month of June. That leaves over 200 miles of resources free for the month. All she has to do for effort is sit in the damn passenger seat, does that really take so much energy? Even worse than that, I margined like 15-20% for errors in my already conservative figures. Most of the areas that surround where we live can be reached for just over a gal. of petrol or two, ffs. Whatever she doesn’t spend on fuel out of her gas money will just get pissed away some other way, I know her to well, it won’t roll over into any savings or next months use. I figured that driving range in about as much time as it takes to cover 60-70m at a rate of 55 miles an hour, it take longer to figure how long it took than it takes to have figured out.

In the mean time, I get to go stir fucking crazy thinking about it. I take failure about as kindly as a Navy SEAL. How many more years???

I reckon June 20th is as good a deadline to set for it, as any other date.

Nothing to do except stare at walls… until her royal pain wakes up, and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

I’ve been in a miserable mood all day, the kind of mood where you just wish you could sink through your chair and never be heard from or seen from again. Aside from being dragged out on occasional errands, I’ve been cooped up here since Friday, and I ran out of stuff to get done back on Thursday. Everything else has been just busy work.

There is nothing to do until Tuesday, absolutely *_nothing_* !! Except wait on a royal pain of a mother hand and foot, while cleaning up after the dogs o/. That’s it. Other wise I may as well be passing time, staring at the **************ing ceiling. On top of that Tuesday will be a total wash out as well, if HRP doesn’t cooperate with the road time.

Tried several sets of exercises while the dog was napping, and almost set a new personal speed record – from when I was still in great shape! I’m going stir crazy. What next, slamming my head into walls, or pacing the room like a caged animal?

So far I’ve tried to fill the day with sessions of Ghost Recon & Urban Terror, even tried a little F.E.A.R. before finally installing Quake IV. It’s not even a challenge: about two hours into the game and I’m almost half way through the third or forth chapter :-/.  I haven’t even been taking the game seriously. Once you’ve beaten a game on the super human settings, they just don’t put you through the paces on the more normal settings, even if you have played them in ages. I’ve beaten most of the games that I own on the maximum difficulty settings over the years, from FEAR/Quakes you’d have to be insane all the way to several bouts of Halo on legendary (fun). What CoDs I own, I’ve beaten several times on the maximum difficultly/no recovery levels, it’s boring. What next, load up Hell Revealed, and set it to it to Nightmare mode? There’s so many daemons to slay on those maps even w/o respawns, that it’s almost a chore to sweep the maps clean.

The only thing that’s been a challenge lately is UrT, because it combines years and years of core skills (typical tdm) with too many years of close quarter tactics. The damage model is such that to master Urban Terror, you have got to get GOOD at accurate shooting under pressure, and you’ve got to be ready to fuse the old skills of a QuakeWhore with room entry techniques.  The failure drill is the almighty standard of survival in that game. When respawns occur every 3s, it’s not even that important, unless you want to win.

Been playing video games since I was in diapers, it’s become rare to ever find a game that is really hard. I don’t even bother to memorise things, I just take it fresh through each time. On the odd chance I get sth new, it’s rarely able to put me through my paces. The only saving grace is multiplayer.

There’s just nothing left to do… :-/ I can practically feel my brain boiling. Being idle drives me out of my skull, I’m the type that has to always be working on something, ffs I would end up polishing door knobs or painting ceilings if I ever had to ‘retire’.

*slams head into a support wall*

I’ll never understand why some periods of time, feel several times more exhausting then they should…