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I’m not sure the feeling that everything as I know it, is spiralling towards an abrupt end, is supposed to be a positive or a negative emotion; all I can say, is it has one hell of an impact on the insides. I don’t feel like eating.

Decision time is at 21:26 GMT, June 20th. That’s the adjusted time for when I was born. Running the math, that gives something like 53 hours until I’ve got to make my choice. Aside from a couple hours sleep in that, really I don’t have anything else to do except think about the choices. That’s been most of my month.

I’m not sure what the outcome will be. All that I know, is it means failure, the final failure. Push someone far and hard enough, for long enough, and what else do you get? There’s no real escape from having to think about it. There’s something like 24 hours in a day, I spend at least 18 of them going over this shit, that’s on a ‘busy’ day; I haven’t had many of those lately.

I hate my life. I wish I could hate those who have brought me here.

42

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I find myself wondering, what is it that binds us in this world? Why be here, or there; why even live at all? You could say my minds in a strange place tonight. Honestly there’s not a lot in this world that I care about. Almost all are people.

For some odd reason, the words, “I search for meaning” just came across my thoughts: only to be shadowed with a hitch-hiking memory.

Arthur Dent, having escaped the Earth’s destruction, potentially has some of the computational matrix in his brain. He attempts to discover The Ultimate Question by extracting it from his brainwave patterns, as abusively suggested by Marvin the Paranoid Android, when a Scrabble-playing caveman spells out forty two. Arthur pulls random letters from a bag, but only gets the sentence “What do you get if you multiply six by nine”?
“ “Six by nine. Forty two.”

“That’s it. That’s all there is.”
“I always thought something was fundamentally wrong with the universe”
 ”
Six times nine is, of course, fifty-four.

Where the number 42 is the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything. Either way, my brain hurts enough that I’m going to sleep.

It’s been a rather, involved day.

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Spent the first half of it alternating between bouts of dozing off (ugh!!) and trying to get stuff done. I want everything in order before decision day hits on the 20th. I’m tired of dreaming, think I’m starting to envy those who rarely do.

Had to work a new job today, the latest addition to my mothers cleaning business: a couple with three kids and two house guests. Besides wondering if ma could move any slower and driving myself at maximal pace: I also had to mop the floors with a towel because they were out of the stuff they usually use. What is it with people and their floors these days… sheesh. Get floors that clean normally. To top it off, half the floors were already nuked before the kids finished lunch. Reminds me of telling a friend to enjoy a clean house, before the dogs get to it.

To top it all off, shortly after getting home, my monitor blanked again. This time however it wouldn’t function again. Tried a DVI adapter and my graphics cards other port, plus the mother boards own VGA port; no joy. I had to replace it with my ‘spare’ 15″ monitor, so now I’m stuck trading crisp colour with over dark blacks, for shotty text and faded colours. Joy. The monitor I have now, was like $3 for something the library was going to throw away a few upgrades ago. What just died, was a snazzy 19″ war horse, that was the best hand me down ever.

I’m just happy it wasn’t the graphics card shorting a port or sth like that, because I don’t have the cash to replace anything. If I didn’t have a spare (and now, two busted…) monitor sitting around, I would have no choice but to use the machine headless or not at all. I often do both of that, but you can’t play 3D games over remote desktop, any more than a PC that’s powered off. Even with a crappy monitor, at least I can load up GR or UrT for a little break.

The sad thing is the desktop displays better when remoted in from my laptop, than on this backup monitors screen lol. Well, for three bucks, who am I to bitch? With my luck, I ought to just be thankful for an internet connection, even if that’s liable to change.

The thing that seriously pisses me off, is knowing that my mother has wasted nearly 6 months of my time, and that is only counting this year. If I counted the what, 6-7 years of working in this business, I’m not sure I want to know just how much time has been wasted. All because I said that I yes when asked to “Help”. FML.

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Just got home a little bit ago, found the desktop had dropped off the wireless. Luckily the ruby scripts I had left open weren’t disturbed :-/.

Today, I found one positive thought, and I can’t even remember what the hell it was…

Lately things feel like it’s life in a daze. It must be something like 90% of my train of thought is spent grinding on the same subjects, and zero hour just moves closer with each passing moment. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve any marbles left in my head.

I know for a fact, that her royal pains’ funds for petrol have just doubled, and were no where near exhausted yet. Still the car spends most of this week idle. Work forces a driving boost next week in order for HRP to make a greater profit, but knowing my mother, you can bank on the required night driving to take months. I offered a long time ago to put what few bits I’ve got saved towards fuel, to no result. Deadline expires soon, and I did mean it quite literally as a deadline. What else is to expire with it? All my life, I’ve always been expected to suck it up, carry 150% and keep going, get shiat on from every direction and never say a word. I’m fucking tired of it. I’m drowning and everyone still sits on their fat ass.

The other day, I remember pointing out that if I was *actually* a smart person, I wouldn’t be here. A friend corrected me: “If you were less caring you wouldn’t be there”. I guess that’s accurate, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t. Maybe smart people don’t care about other people, I don’t know. Some how, I’ve always considered myself to be a selfish person; someone, somewhere will undoubtedly agree with that accessement. Despite that prang, I still care very deeply for the people around me. Sometimes I reckon, that makes things hurt all the more.

Right now I just wish I could slam my head into a wall and pass out for a while, but I know better than to break the wall. My mother would never let me hear the end of that; land lord would also be a tad P.O.’d as well.

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Just got home and out of the shower a little bit ago. Missed my morning run (again), because I was trying to get crap wrapped up before work. Had to cut that short with HRP driving me bananas sufficient in advance of having to get dressed, that it was pointless. So I just left my computer on and went off to work.

Trying to get some spells of focused coding is about the only relief I get, and they’re to far and few in between. Decided to take a walk after work, before even arriving. Between pacing at work and being on foot, I’ve walked at least 10km today. I’ve been in a terrible mood. At least walking, I can both be alone and have solitude when desired; being at home is as good as being alone, and periodically bitched at or tapped by someone who expects to be waited on like an invalid.

They can fry their eggs out on pavement, but they won’t fry me! Weather service was saying 94F/34C with the humidity enough that it is `supposed` to feel like 99F/37C. That is skin-melting by local standards. Well suck an egg, because that’s not hot. I had a thick shirt and jeans on, no hat, and rarely any shade: but you can’t tell me that was ‘too’ hot to be walking in. Nadda. After growing up in Florida, it has REALLLY got to be smoking out before I’ll take notice. Few places in the country have that intensity or worse, and those out of the states that do, well should we say also know what > 120F/~50C looks like.

Only stopped for about 5 minutes when passing through a dingy park, but otherwise kept on the move; either trying to think or trying not to. Decision day is inching ever closer.

On one positive side, my brother might make an appearance at some point in a way that may lead to some driving time; he’s more interested in barrowing the few bucks I have 8=). I can’t help but remember an old expression about being useless.