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I think I’m averaging about 20-21 hours consistently awake, slightly more or less depending on what I’m dreaming.

When things are more tolerable, I tend to sleep longer, if they’re more agitative, I usually wake up sooner. It blows if you pass out around 23 and end up wide awake before 0100 even arrives o/.

Sometimes I’ll get up and try and do a bit of exercise, mostly if Willow is still sound asleep. Whatever fits into a few minutes: before scratching claws, barking, and shouting turns up. Other times I just skip it and deploy the laptop next to me so there’s something to listen to. Starting to learn 94.9’s daily schedule :-/. Either way there’s only trifles to fill all that time. Most of the time, there’s nothing in the universe except the ticking of my mind.

One thing I have noticed from experience, is I start to dream very quickly if at all. Sometimes it’s like I only dozed off for five or ten minutes from when I last saw the clock, but I feel like most of the hours passed. It’s been rare that I’ve been able to sleep uninterrupted, after a while, I just give up on trying to get back to sleep at all. I check the clock at intervals when I’m awake, and in/between bathroom trips. Got into the habit from the years I spent, having to *try* and be snoozing by a certain cut off point (that never worked) in order to be somewhere on time, and sufficient awake. Someone once joked about my lack of caffeine 8=).

Can’t say the same for everyone, but my dreams tend to be very vivid. Anything I see or feel in a dream, it’s sharp, it’s like a smooth crystal. Whether it’s the feel of sth against my skin or a train of reasoning, it doesn’t matter. It can be scarily accurate at times. A lot of times if I dream about something that I’ve never experienced, than end up going through it later on for real, it’s a lot of the same sensation, or there will be a ‘how did I know that?’ thought between my ears when I’ve never done it before, it’s freaking weird at times. Reminds me of Paul Atreides and the stillsuit.

Most of my life, I’ve thought about my dreams as crazy or better than television, but lately, it’s just something I would rather forget about as soon as my eyes flutter open. What’s the point of sleeping, if you’re not going to find rest? Only upside that experience can show me, is that time passes quicker and my mother shouts louder if I sleep longer. With how frequently I wake up now’re days, it’s not even worth that much.

After giving up on trying to go back to sleep, I loaded the computer back up, so I could at least have some music; only for the radio stream to be on the fritz. At least I was able to catch the morning show :-/.

Except for a few minor interruptions, I basically spent 7-8 hours staring at a computer screen.  Just looking at the list of options for most of it, my limbs still hurt from the lack of motion. I’ve compiled every possibility, I’ve run the math more times than I can count, it all sucks. The deadline to action off an answer passes in tee minus twelve days.

Waited to find out whether or not today’s opportunity for driving would get shurked like yesterdays plans, or if ma would be cooperative. It sucks to have to computate that for hours on end. That’s how you turn a mood a few shades of colour. After a bit of pushing, it finally happened. Today’s time brings me up to 25.25 hours out of the required 40… if I could just get a little more than an hour a day, it would be possible. More likely I’ll have a bit over 3 hours across this entire week, all *7* days, and that’s double a normal week, fml… that’s counting whatever happens Friday, assuming it happens, plus errands.

Applying proper weight to things, stresses life until a point where it’s just a question of who gets a stroke first: me or my mother. Leaving snoring beasts be, things just inch forward like snails going up a hill. I’ve nothing to do but think, think, and think. Nothing.

Was given the equation today, that there’s resources enough for three more fill ups this month. I ran the numbers in my head, roughly 20mpg on a 13+ gal tank with the family Ford, usually filled up around half a tank, so say just under 6gal of petrol per fill up times three. That’s well over 300 miles worth of fuel and there are 5 days work remaining for the whole fucking month of June. That leaves over 200 miles of resources free for the month. All she has to do for effort is sit in the damn passenger seat, does that really take so much energy? Even worse than that, I margined like 15-20% for errors in my already conservative figures. Most of the areas that surround where we live can be reached for just over a gal. of petrol or two, ffs. Whatever she doesn’t spend on fuel out of her gas money will just get pissed away some other way, I know her to well, it won’t roll over into any savings or next months use. I figured that driving range in about as much time as it takes to cover 60-70m at a rate of 55 miles an hour, it take longer to figure how long it took than it takes to have figured out.

In the mean time, I get to go stir fucking crazy thinking about it. I take failure about as kindly as a Navy SEAL. How many more years???

I reckon June 20th is as good a deadline to set for it, as any other date.

Nothing to do except stare at walls… until her royal pain wakes up, and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

I’ve been in a miserable mood all day, the kind of mood where you just wish you could sink through your chair and never be heard from or seen from again. Aside from being dragged out on occasional errands, I’ve been cooped up here since Friday, and I ran out of stuff to get done back on Thursday. Everything else has been just busy work.

There is nothing to do until Tuesday, absolutely *_nothing_* !! Except wait on a royal pain of a mother hand and foot, while cleaning up after the dogs o/. That’s it. Other wise I may as well be passing time, staring at the **************ing ceiling. On top of that Tuesday will be a total wash out as well, if HRP doesn’t cooperate with the road time.

Tried several sets of exercises while the dog was napping, and almost set a new personal speed record – from when I was still in great shape! I’m going stir crazy. What next, slamming my head into walls, or pacing the room like a caged animal?

So far I’ve tried to fill the day with sessions of Ghost Recon & Urban Terror, even tried a little F.E.A.R. before finally installing Quake IV. It’s not even a challenge: about two hours into the game and I’m almost half way through the third or forth chapter :-/.  I haven’t even been taking the game seriously. Once you’ve beaten a game on the super human settings, they just don’t put you through the paces on the more normal settings, even if you have played them in ages. I’ve beaten most of the games that I own on the maximum difficulty settings over the years, from FEAR/Quakes you’d have to be insane all the way to several bouts of Halo on legendary (fun). What CoDs I own, I’ve beaten several times on the maximum difficultly/no recovery levels, it’s boring. What next, load up Hell Revealed, and set it to it to Nightmare mode? There’s so many daemons to slay on those maps even w/o respawns, that it’s almost a chore to sweep the maps clean.

The only thing that’s been a challenge lately is UrT, because it combines years and years of core skills (typical tdm) with too many years of close quarter tactics. The damage model is such that to master Urban Terror, you have got to get GOOD at accurate shooting under pressure, and you’ve got to be ready to fuse the old skills of a QuakeWhore with room entry techniques.  The failure drill is the almighty standard of survival in that game. When respawns occur every 3s, it’s not even that important, unless you want to win.

Been playing video games since I was in diapers, it’s become rare to ever find a game that is really hard. I don’t even bother to memorise things, I just take it fresh through each time. On the odd chance I get sth new, it’s rarely able to put me through my paces. The only saving grace is multiplayer.

There’s just nothing left to do… :-/ I can practically feel my brain boiling. Being idle drives me out of my skull, I’m the type that has to always be working on something, ffs I would end up polishing door knobs or painting ceilings if I ever had to ‘retire’.

*slams head into a support wall*

I’ll never understand why some periods of time, feel several times more exhausting then they should…

What part of asking “How far it is” and being told “The default route is …”, is so damn confusing about the possibility of multiple routes?

Honestly how stupid is my family.

In my mothers whining that nothing she ordered done yesterday before heading out the door was done, except for keeping the puppy out of trouble, which she made explicitly clear as priority numero uno by barking at me until she finally walked out the door, thus letting me get things done in the first place.

I can’t help but think that I’m working on day three of finishing something I should have finished two days ago in less than an afternoon, if I had had the luxury of being able to work on things in the first place.

And that I’m currently on month 6 of trying to get a driver license, a task my mother has droned out to this length, when it should have been completed within a couple weeks… I didn’t bother to mention that.

Tried to get through work by focusing on code, because I know if I focused on anything else, I’d likely be nuts by the end of it. Main problem was my body screaming “Sit down and eat ferociously” the whole time :-/. I’ve been trying to adapt a friends advice about eating more regularly, but still the mornings leave a lot to be desired.

Most of the times I’m seriously hungry before mid afternoon, it’s so early out, I’ve basically have to weigh between making to much noise and roughing it. If I wake up her royal pain (or the dogs who then wake her up), I get cussed at for the rest of the day, and much more dentimental side effect of it: not being able to get stuff done, while she sleeps :-(. I need to think up something to eat early on in the day (eh, night, morning, whatever) without getting compromised. Gotta put those ninja skills to use…

Yesterday I tried playing a bit of Urt for a change, but soon took a break to sit down and read. Got  so fatigued that I ended up stretching out for a nap.  There’s an Italian word that comes to mind, the only translation to English I’ve ever been given, is generally like walking into walls / staggering like a zombie. That kind of tired :-/.

I tried going back to sleep, after waking solidly up around 0200. I keep dreaming of combat or coding. I rarely dream about code…. lol. My brain is rubber banding all over lately. It’s like take a bean, throw it in a can, and start shaking: that’s what my train of thought looks like.

Did manage to get something ‘somewhat’ productive done yesterday, and the Yorkshire brigade has finally returned home(!) so that’s two less to drive me batty. I made a list of potential driving destinations, there’s about 11 items on the list. Most are in the 30-50km range, but there’s actually nothing to do there except drive back lol. The only real entry on the list with a purpose for going, are the nearest (serious) computer shops: over 100km away. After a decade of living here, I can understand why there are so few geeks in this burg o/. Also on the list was one destination that ma has expressed interest in over the months: Savanna. That’s more than 360km away by a straight line… that would put an indent in the driving hours I need. Right now things are about 21.5 hours total, out of the 40 hours required. I got totally shafted for night driving over this now past weekends ‘extra’ work.

Spent some time trying to zoom in on HTML5, Ruby on Rails, and studying the Boost & POCO C++ libraries more closely, when I an keep my mind straight enough to deal with it. To all over the place to really do much coding lately, 🙁 🙁 :-(.  I find RoR intently interesting, even though I generally despise web development as an exercise in annoyance.

Only have two days work for the week, and today should be fairly short; tomorrow is most of the day gone. I’m hoping maybe Fri/Mon, maybe her royal pain might take a crack at the desintiation list I prepped. Within about an hours notice, I could do some bit of route planning. If nothing gets done, I’m not going to have any recourse left, except to start applying contingency plans from a few weeks ago, and live with being driving out of my fucking mind over it. If I can’t get help with the driving, there is only one way to go: by foot.

I really need a long vacation… something without stress jacking, something that can actually be peaceful. What was the last time, I actually could get more than a few weeks running at a normal persons stress margin? I wish to forget most of 2007..