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*sigh*

Life’s really been quite a lot of just keep putting one foot in front of the other lately.

Most of my time spent workin’ all day or slavin’ over some project, and my nights login’ for something more.

I’m currently sitting on about $300… My grandfather sent me money for my birthday early. I was a bit worried that he might’ve sent it because he could’ve thought he might not be here come June… But my aunt says he’s doing pretty well now. To be honest, I’d rather have my Grandfather then the money.

All I’ve ever really wanted from him for my birthday is a birthday card, never have gotten one though… But as my mom says it’s just not his way of doing things :.

For me it’s largely just another day, but I don’t say that aloud because my father would say the same thing lol. I know I’m going to get stuck buying clothes and the sad thing is I agree, I need to lol. Most of my clothes are getting to be like rags between the holes, rips, and clorox stains between home and work wear & tear. You could say I’m a lot like my father, when I like my clothes I wear those and not much else, and I wear them until they fall apart. I remember my mother telling me that when he died, he held up a pair of his jeans and could see light shining through them, they were so thin ! And yes my shoes are usually splitting apart by the time I’ll agree to buying new ones 😛

I’ve alloted a budget of $150 which is enough to replace everything I essentially wear and enough of it to last. Very hard for me to do it… Although I’ve never had a problem with spending inordinate amounts of money, I’m a very well thought out person when it comes to spending money, because I never have any to spend lol.

I know the value of a buck, and when they are rare you learn to spend it wisely ’cause if you don’t, ya ain’t gonna get another chance. If I ever had a real sum of money I think I would invest it, grow it so it could be used for some thing worth while someday. Hell, if you could save even $1 everyday, you could have over $3,600 in 10 years. in just over 40 years you’d have like $15,000. I’m not a big fan of spending money on myself, so it’s probably good to be single atm.. Other wise I probably would be doubly broke lol.

I also utterly hate shopping, at least when oogling computer parts isn’t involved that is >_<. I know exactly whats on the target list, and the raid will be conducted with brutal military efficiency ! Anyone planning on doing any 'one more thing' ing is gonna wind up in the dust rail hehe. Getting me to go shopping _willingly_ is a feat of it's own, let along to get me to waste time at it ^_^. One thing I do know, since 75-80% of my wardrobe isn't used, if I'm paying -> I’m chucking everything I don’t want (give away, donate, or trash), along with the throwing out the ‘rags’ that I’m stuck doing away with hehe.

I’m also getting a new headset one way or the other… Don’t know if I’ll be able to order it off the web but I’ve got a nice pair of Sennheisen lined up with a mic. Last time I had to open Ghost a slot in PG#1, I needed to ask Big12 to come on TS to tell Ghost when the slot was opened for him… Because his laptop can’t handle XFire and I can’t talk over TeamSpeak with a Mic, and texting over TS doesn’t help when the other parties full screen in Rvs lol.

I need to save a bit for school and I’m not sure how that is going to work out…, But having the funds stored will be helpful for it. Although I’d rather like to upgrade my laptops memory while I can it’s not important.

512MB of PC2700 ain’t terribly fast but it gets the job done. For $300 I could get a barebones kit and scrape together some parts from another PC and get a 5th machine running in this house but I don’t really need another computer, for the cost of some PC2100 DDR and a Wireless card I could get a junked PC I’ve got here running anyway.

I once set aside a $100 to do some thing I’ve always wanted, make a donation to my clan… But family managed to bleed me dry before I could. Things are going well with [SAS] in that regard because of our members, one reason I’ve always wanted to donate is because I know whose asses the bills come out of at the end of the day. Because of my family, even if I did managed to succeed in it I wouldn’t trust the USPS as much as Random to get it to the right place and that’d be my only option 😐

So I guess that’s out, I don’t really care much for spending money on myself, aside from more computers that is >_> but as much as I really would like to take most of the $300 I’ve got and just

SAVE IT

for the future. I know if I don’t spend it, I’ll eventually spend it on my family eventually when they run short lol.

It don’t ‘pay’ to be a nice guy you could say but, I’m who and what I am.

Considering the headache and the number of times I’ve fucked sshd_config, the size of my splitting headache, and the hell that this house is — It looks like getting any _real_ work done is going to have to wait until next weekend.

Oh wait, the fuckers will screw me over then too

So it will have to wait to the weekend after that

Oh wait, the fuckers will screw me over then too

So it will have to wait to the weekend after that

Oh wait, the fuckers will screw me over then too

So it will have to wait to the weekend after that

Some times I wish I could just _legally_ bind and gag people for a few hours, it really would make life so much fuckin’ easier.

It seems, any time I even think about trying to get some thing done…

These @%@!%!’ers find someway of dropping a hydrogen bomb on it :

What the hell do I have to do in order to get work done when I’m home from work? Hog tie people to a chair and ducktape there mouths lol.

<joke>Hey… That’s not a bad idea</joke>

Another pointless day almost done…

We started work today at our new clients, just as I expected it’s more stressful then it is hard work… Gotta love being driving batty but at least the clients are not the ones causing it >_>

Spent some time in PG#1 and in TG#3 and cruised the usual forums, sent over a dozen spam-reports on forums.pcbsd.org :

*sigh* another unfulfilling day almost gone.

I’d rather like to hit some code… But I’m to fscking tired tonight. Looks like I’ll have to make do with a few rounds of kpat (KPatience) instead :

*sigh*

work’ward bound again but at least I finished my Perl script…

I am starving… Even on a full stomach, it is as if I have eaten nothing.
There is no place for me here, the thought repeats in my mind continuously.
This place is so far from everything I seek…

I am mocked for doing nothing, yet I did nothing because to do anything
would have betrayed me into their hands, a mere target under those guns.

So I fortify these castle walls with Titanium and Cortosis.
Hiding myself deep within, appearing emotionless to the storms that rage outside.
Because I can’t afford to show the effects from the stabs ‘n jabs at my core…
So I build the walls stronger, so that nothing may show through them.
Less the beasts sense a sign of weakness and strike deeper.

Forced to look as if carved from stone, despite the churning underneath…
I’m made of flesh and bone not of iron and concrete.
My heart dies, bit by bit, day by day but surely it wastes away in this place.

Why must I hide myself from those who I love?
Because of creatures that strike so hard, in search of blood…
And upon that sign, would redouble their efforts tenfold,
If I appear phased in the slightest by their efforts.

This is not who I am… But it is apart of survival, in this hellish place.
I yearn to be safe, where my soul has no tolls set upon its freedom.
There is no place for me here, it burns my mind into cinders.
The road behind me is ever so clearer then the path before my feet.
I know the soul can endure long after the heart has since stopped to function.

As my mind drifts to another frame of thought… Another time, another creature.
My memories are both strong and vivid, like an image
irreparably seared into the minds eye.
I cannot forget, the things I once felt.

That specter of the past, that light that shined before the darkness fell again.
Illusion or reality, love or hate, water or fire, it was something strong.
I recall those times with a bitter-sweet taste, because for a brief moment,
Where perhaps I was the most alive, even if only for a few moments.

Before the storms came, and the end came, my heart going with it.
Nothing was left, nothing survived those rending waves…
Washed up along the shores: to begin again.

I wonder, will I ever find the things I seek?
Will I ever be free of this place, and the chains that it forges before me…
To bind me forever in the path of its gnashing teeth.
Far from my passionate goals, from my very self..

And what of the future to be?
I’m ever so damn far from reaching that peaceful place I need to reach.
Man was not made for this form of existence, this empty place.
To sit in darkness, forced from the light.
Like a caged animal, rent before the wolfs.

Let the past be past, ends to be ended.
My soul must become free of this madness, my heart cured of it’s poisons.
Those memories of what once was, left behind and forgotten.
Because this place, and those recollections combined are much to strong to bear.

What will there be left of me when I am free?

Tonight, I think if I was to be placed in th’ight situation,
I think I’d say fuck it and hit the vodka.
And not look upward again for a fortnight…

But as always… I am ever the sober one, sober as a codfish in water.

Mon May 12 04:43:53 UTC 2008

I don’t know if there is a word for some where between about to pass out and being unable to sleep, but if there is it fits me like a glove :

So, I was sitting here working on a class file — defining an interface that’s got over a 100 methods to write. And Ma was complaining that I hadn’t set my clock after this mornings power outage (about 7 hours previously). So, to shut her up I set the clock and carried on coding.

But since the only time source I’ve got handy is my laptop and the cable box is on the other side of a cloths rack. I used the laptop, which just so happens to be set to Universal Time Coordinated (UTC/Zulu time). That is what I set the clock for, and a few minutes ago she comes in to ask some thing and I tell her to look at the clock. Now she wants to rip the clock off the wall because I refused to set it to local time xD.

It’s my damn clock, if I’ve got to be forced to set the bloody thing, who says I can’t put it on STANDARD TIME !?

Planning on enjoying this weekend off, posted my off duty message on SAS and hitting the ‘net.

I’d like to get a few things done that needs testing before deployment, I’d love to work on my book a bit, and rest the rest of the time lol.

The question is how much time will I get to actually do any thing…. (family factor).