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*sigh*

work’ward bound again but at least I finished my Perl script…

I am starving… Even on a full stomach, it is as if I have eaten nothing.
There is no place for me here, the thought repeats in my mind continuously.
This place is so far from everything I seek…

I am mocked for doing nothing, yet I did nothing because to do anything
would have betrayed me into their hands, a mere target under those guns.

So I fortify these castle walls with Titanium and Cortosis.
Hiding myself deep within, appearing emotionless to the storms that rage outside.
Because I can’t afford to show the effects from the stabs ‘n jabs at my core…
So I build the walls stronger, so that nothing may show through them.
Less the beasts sense a sign of weakness and strike deeper.

Forced to look as if carved from stone, despite the churning underneath…
I’m made of flesh and bone not of iron and concrete.
My heart dies, bit by bit, day by day but surely it wastes away in this place.

Why must I hide myself from those who I love?
Because of creatures that strike so hard, in search of blood…
And upon that sign, would redouble their efforts tenfold,
If I appear phased in the slightest by their efforts.

This is not who I am… But it is apart of survival, in this hellish place.
I yearn to be safe, where my soul has no tolls set upon its freedom.
There is no place for me here, it burns my mind into cinders.
The road behind me is ever so clearer then the path before my feet.
I know the soul can endure long after the heart has since stopped to function.

As my mind drifts to another frame of thought… Another time, another creature.
My memories are both strong and vivid, like an image
irreparably seared into the minds eye.
I cannot forget, the things I once felt.

That specter of the past, that light that shined before the darkness fell again.
Illusion or reality, love or hate, water or fire, it was something strong.
I recall those times with a bitter-sweet taste, because for a brief moment,
Where perhaps I was the most alive, even if only for a few moments.

Before the storms came, and the end came, my heart going with it.
Nothing was left, nothing survived those rending waves…
Washed up along the shores: to begin again.

I wonder, will I ever find the things I seek?
Will I ever be free of this place, and the chains that it forges before me…
To bind me forever in the path of its gnashing teeth.
Far from my passionate goals, from my very self..

And what of the future to be?
I’m ever so damn far from reaching that peaceful place I need to reach.
Man was not made for this form of existence, this empty place.
To sit in darkness, forced from the light.
Like a caged animal, rent before the wolfs.

Let the past be past, ends to be ended.
My soul must become free of this madness, my heart cured of it’s poisons.
Those memories of what once was, left behind and forgotten.
Because this place, and those recollections combined are much to strong to bear.

What will there be left of me when I am free?

Tonight, I think if I was to be placed in th’ight situation,
I think I’d say fuck it and hit the vodka.
And not look upward again for a fortnight…

But as always… I am ever the sober one, sober as a codfish in water.

Mon May 12 04:43:53 UTC 2008

I don’t know if there is a word for some where between about to pass out and being unable to sleep, but if there is it fits me like a glove :

So, I was sitting here working on a class file — defining an interface that’s got over a 100 methods to write. And Ma was complaining that I hadn’t set my clock after this mornings power outage (about 7 hours previously). So, to shut her up I set the clock and carried on coding.

But since the only time source I’ve got handy is my laptop and the cable box is on the other side of a cloths rack. I used the laptop, which just so happens to be set to Universal Time Coordinated (UTC/Zulu time). That is what I set the clock for, and a few minutes ago she comes in to ask some thing and I tell her to look at the clock. Now she wants to rip the clock off the wall because I refused to set it to local time xD.

It’s my damn clock, if I’ve got to be forced to set the bloody thing, who says I can’t put it on STANDARD TIME !?

Planning on enjoying this weekend off, posted my off duty message on SAS and hitting the ‘net.

I’d like to get a few things done that needs testing before deployment, I’d love to work on my book a bit, and rest the rest of the time lol.

The question is how much time will I get to actually do any thing…. (family factor).

Only in my home…. Could it take more then 6 hours of work, to complete some thing that *shouldn’t* take longer then 20 minutes.

Well… at least it’s done, documented, and due for having a report written tomorrow lol.

Oh joy, I can just bet good money if I had any on how long it’ll take to do that…

I find myself in a place surrounded by lions.
My muscles may tense with the rage that powers them
Yet I cannot bring myself to strike at my enemies.

I yearn to strike back, rend them limb from limb as they do me.
Yet irregardless of how much I burn, how much I stir,
My arms will not budge, they will not strike.

Oh how I long… To let them feel as I,
To forget my humanity, to strike without remorse..
With that same animal fury as they, so unrelenting.
But to do so, is to walk into the same corrupting fires
That blaze about them, oh how those fires burn.

Even as I bid my heart, become as stone..
It constantly reminds me it is made of flesh.
And not made for such dark ends…

Whether ’tis to be the greatest fool of them all
or weakest creature of all, I bid it to end
before I look back upon all my memories
as just another picture to burn.

— Tue Apr 29 23:06:04 UTC 2008

Managed to get off work early today, that’s great from my pov since I usually leave work 15min late on Monday’s lol.

Unfortunately it’s after dark and I’ve still not gotten any thing onde, I really wish my family would /remember/ I’m not a fuk’n servant boy some days.

Break time though… starving lol.

FOOD now, work later… work in morning, ‘special’ operation in evening, so much for taking it easy.

Just a few minutes until it’s time to get ready for work today…

Things have a nice way of arranging it so I’ve got no time before hand lol. I don’t really mind having to work afternons on Mondays, but I would appreciate it if I _could_ get stuff _done_ during afternoons I’m home, rather then having to do things after dark until I pass out, or not at all in this place…

Be stuck at work all day so that leaves the until crack of dawn or point of no return mark (to be sleeping by or hate getting up for work tomorrow) in order to get things finished. That or cram it all into dead line day and really be driving out of my fscking skull trying to get it done with my family around.

Hmm… Wouldn’t it be fun to throw everyone out for about 6 hours… ? Lol

Well, if nothing else over the past two days… I’ve at least gotten a chapter done with my book, and taken care of two issues on the website (y). I also managed to weasel through a little bit of code that might just go along way at making improvements hehe.

Spent a few hours relaxing in the proving grounds, didn’t want to interrupt the training in the other server. I dunno if it’s the time of day I usually /get/ to play or what, but PG#1 has been very laggy for me lately. Although I haven’t had any problems on TG#3 which also should be out in England lol.

For tonight my plans are working on a small analytical script for ringing alarm bells, this should be interesting lol.