Month: July 2009

I’m not in a terribly good mood tonight, had to put up with H.R.P., plus I need to shower & shave for tomorrow, and I need to work out a build system – nmake style because I will fling my computer out a window if I’ve got to use Visual C++ lol. And I’ve got to get it all done early so I can go to sleep and be ready to be up at the crack of dawn for whatever H.R.P. wants to nit pick about before the doctors appointment.

She spent at least 15-20 minutes rambling in her usual way, I can only best describe her behavior as being a hurtful old rhymes with witch. So, I’m sitting there listening, face expressionless (for safety), and trying to eat during the first 5 minutes of the tirade. I honestly don’t give a damn what her choices of words are, words alone don’t bother me, so much as why someone would choose to use them. You could say, words can never hurt me but some people can :-/. Also if she wants to use an indirect quote of my words, as a way of lashin’ out, at least she could get something right. As opposed to say, missquoting, missing the point, spirit, intent, etcetera. I’m used to dealing with the kind of people, who you could say, “The pen is red and the ink is blue”, and they could here pen, find something to harp on at all exclusion of rationality, and might later try to convince you the pen is blue and the ink is red, lol.

It seems whenever my proximity to anyone in my close-family increases, the more utterly miserable I become. They just suck the life out of me :'(. There’s not really much I can do about it, it hurts more to hurt-back then it does to just drown silently, since the alternative is going verbal or physical to a much greater magnitude and nether are courses I am willing to chart. I’ve seen it to often, I’ve heard it to often, I’ve been ripped apart to often, to choose cruelty above all else; strangely it makes me feel even more the freak of the family. I am so like them in capability but not action, it is like carrying an executioners blade but refusing to draw it. Recent conflicts with her royal pain, also makes me think about /why/ I call her H.R.P. in digital commu. and remember something she once said about her own mother. Either way I suppose, something will work itself out in time, the question is just what will be left by then.

It seems that the one thing I desire most in this world is also always the furthest away.

It’s nearly time for bed but I honestly don’t feel like sleeping. I usually don’t feel like sleeping this time of night, been forced into the darkness for so long, that it is nearly light. But in the same light, it will shortly reach a point where I’ve gotta sleep if I’m ever going to get up early tomorrow.

Generally my livejournal serves to record my experiences, and snap-short my trains of thought, even if such is usually done under an unstable state of thinking :-/.

I best just go to bed, probably will be awake ubtil after dawn as it is; and that means operating tomorrow without any decent sleep period. Then again, I’ve been known to do that… lol

Lately I have really been thinking of different things, of one, I suppose the best choice of word is “Expressiveness”. You could say, my family has its fair share of issues… I at least have never really felt loved or cared for, so much as “just here”; I’m sure such is not the reality but if it isn’t, well let us just say there is great disparity involved in our concepts of such things, between mine and theirs. Anyway you slice it, the things that make me, ‘me’, are just generally not welcome.

As such during my life, I’ve generally sought different forms of expressing myself; always without care of who gets it and who doesn’t, because I need to be able to let it find an outlet.

In my youth I used to doodle incessantly, perhaps if things had been different, and I offored the same opportunities as my forbearers; perhaps I might still spend time drawing. Perhaps I might even have developed the level of skill at it I desire, something profitable might even have come of it (my mother studied as a cartoonist). I always loved to draw, it was a great way to just let my feelings, my imagination: let it all take shape and roll away in it’s own directions. When I got older, I started to write more often then draw; less expensive on the equipment (particularly as more modern computers became available) and easier to shield myself from areas of potential censorship. I can’t stand repression, and I hate to see or allow others to feel repressed; I do strongly value discipline and order of course, but I do not deal in absolutes either. I am an avaricious reader, once I learned to read they had to take the books away from me… and I still would be found under the covers with a sci-fi novel hidden away hahahahaha! Since the finances for satisfying my tastes ran out years ago, I haven’t read much over the past few years :'(,. I’ve always liked immersive stories, one of the reasons I so dearly loved Dune was the hours of intellectual thought it offered. With my imagination, I also like writing short stories from time to time, but do not consider myself as having any actual talent with the English language. Having been forced into a world where if it takes more then 5 minutes to write, it will likely end up an hour-long project, I have also learned to type very fast – thinkspeed, and to opt for speed over accuracy or correctness, out of necessity :-/. In the past few years, I’ve often put my thoughts to ‘file’. I think in some way, I’ve forever been influenced by King David, by way of my times in bible study. Although I was quite literally the “Odd man out” of the group, they are considered like THE best bible study group in this place. The stimulation and depth of thinking was always the awesome part of group time…

In more recent times, I’ve greatly fallen in love with programming computers and designing things, source code is almost like poetry in a way. While I reckon it might sound odd, but I do have a soft spot for poetry (with a point). I don’t think I can really describe how I feel about programming, unless you know and understand how it feels. Reading code, writing code, and understanding code; it can all tell you a lot about someone I guess. The only problem is you might just have to be versed in the same art to comprehend any of it.

Ever more increasingly this past year, I have been wishing for a way to explore the world of music deeper. Unlike most of my friends, I’ve never followed such things very greatly year after year. These days however, I can’t stand a silent PC, and can probably bicker with my old wings about the cause of that o/. I’ve developed a stronger interest in music, but have no real means to explore it properly. I do gravely regret never having learned to play an instrument, but it is probably best that I never did; since doing so would have meant an even worse living hell, growing up in this family! If I could change the sands of time and bend it to my will, I think I would learn the Violin. Why? It just seems to be the most natural fit. I doubt if I will ever have the chance, and it would take years of quality practice before I could ever play such an instrument at the level I would seek, let along the open sentence to be solved: expressing myself though it. and I reckon, that music has different meanings to different people. For the time being and likely the better portion of my life, I must be content as a listener. Yet, I sorely wish I could let what I am feeling flow through in such a way.

I had plans for about 4-5 entries today but just not enough strength for it :-/. It’s been one of those crazy / hectic / mess of a days! The only nice part was an hour or so of SWAT before work, most of which passed peacefully.

I’ve had to work most of the day, double or triple wammies are abound lately, and having to deal with family through it all (ugh) does not help things. To top it off, I’m basically working the next several weekends. Right now, I can’t wait for tomorrow to arrive: not because it means going to work sooner but because outside working hours, I can actually have some time to MYSELF, time that’s not under the thumb of any pain in the ass but my own whims, subject to the obvious numeral unno overrides from the heavens above.

I spent most of the work day like most others, thinking. There’s just no real mental stimulation in the crap I’m stuck doing, so it leaves my mind free to drift away: sometimes this is good and sometimes it is very bad. In today’s case, my thoughts have dwelt most strongly on where I would *rather* be, or should I now say, would rather have been 8=). To just sail away from the things of man, stick my toes in the sand of some sunny beach, layin’ there in trunks & shades with a cool drink in hand, and not a care in the world, beyond sunburn that is ^_^.

Aye, a spider can dream…. been much to damn long since I’ve had any major rest and relaxation, let along a proper vacation lol. Ahh, it would be so wonderful with this weather but unfortunately the distance is, oh what’s the word, prohibitive? I’ve been on the move so long lately, I can’t freaking think straight anymore. I could really use some solid down time but that’s not gonna happen, short of a miracle. As it stands, it will probably be August before I can stand down for a while, and even then it will likely be just an intermission between burn outs… sigh.

I am so tired of just passing the time away.