An orange in an apple orchard
Fell asleep in the middle of a conversation that just started: dreamt that I was an agent stowed away in an insane asylum in deep space, and was setting off a nerve gas to distract local NBC troops guarding it. Woke up and checked the time stamps on the chat log and less than 12 minutes passed :-S.
Upside of having little to do in the morning: sometimes I doze off.
Downside: I naturally wake back up in a few minutes.
One thing I’ve noticed is I seem to be writing shorter sentences a bit more. Odd, my writing patterns usually follow my minds structures, in so far as you can put them into English. I’ve also noticed trying to concentrate, leading to a nice feeling along the lines of having ones head squeezed :-/.
It’s also past 0900 UTC / 0500 local, and I’ve run out of things to keep me busy…
Oh how I tried -/. Either I would dream of coding this super RoR app, something that’s been on my mind of late; but I’ve evaded because I’ve not the focus left, to spend that much time in deep concentration. My mouth is watering just thinking about dreaming about coding. It’s very rare that I have ever dreamt of coding, usually it comes when I code excessively or can’t code for a stretch. This time of life is more a stretch.
Before I woke up to wide awake, I was dreaming that I was walking cover for my friend, who was on point. Like a SWAT team going through an office, the real thing: not a game. Reminds me of just how much [SAS] waters down the art form, to an almost child like level; at least, that’s the level I had to play at to keep within an acceptable margin of those infernal training standards. It was an exhilarating dream. We moved through as the tip of about a 4-6 man clearing team, I had an M4 and a M1911, decked out, M4 even had one of those illumenator/pointer thingys mounted that you would use with NVGs. I can’t remember the name of it right now. Reminds me, supposed to get together for some RvS at some point, wonder if he’s learned to shoot yet. It’s easier to practice IRL, but I reckon a game is useful. I know more than average, because I take it from a realistic perspective, real buildings make better simulations to analyze then video games do.
Now I’m wide awake, tried going back to sleep for a bit, really tried.. but can’t just hit my head into the wall. Probably a good idea, but I’ve to little brains left right now, to be able to afford to rattle them thusly. Sigh, I just have to dream of the things I can’t have. At least this time for a big change, I didn’t wake up sweated to the bone.
*Groan*
Ahh, that is feeling better. I pushed the laptop off, and set it on the deck; so I could stretch out. I went by groupings of muscle and bone, shoulder/humerous, wrist/radius/ulna, joints near the hip, twistesquer angles from the knees, and especially around the talus or w/e it is near the ankle. That area around my ankles have always been a spot, especially the right one; I often stretch and “Crack” it at night when I’m really tired. Tensing, easing, tensing, easing; stretching and flexing; rubbing and massaging. Especially down the neck, like in between the shoulder blades, and to the edges.
I tried to combine what I could remember of PMR and T’ai Chi Ch’uan breathing principals, along with a little bit of lessons learned about military exercise. Including an old something that I took to doing many years ago for back/leg pain. Used to spend something like 3-4 hour shopping days being dragged across Wallmart, and the stop/go, stop/go movement of it used to leave me feeling like being run over and dragged. I guess you can blame my mothers shopping for why I pace so much when standing idle lol: I’d rather have aching feet than get my back going. It’s a simple thing involving laying out on the bed, legs up to the wall and meshed with a stretching exercise, that has them coming forward again. As a friend just inadvertently reminded me, it resembles a pair of yoga techniques.
After a good twenty or so minutes of that kind of exercise, *a lot* of it, plus a bit of application to some facial pressure points, my headache started to subside for a bit. I rarely take anything unless my head is really throbbing away or something. With how my stomachs been taking the over-stress, I don’t think I would be helping things with that kinda dose. So I guess old fashioned methods are all I’ve got to choose from :-/.
Now if I could find a way to reroute my stress back to /dev/null, maybe I could have more days without a headache… who am I kidding? *Sigh*
Ever have your forehead throbbing, and try rubbing it while rotating your head about your necks axis, while trying to relax those muscles? Well, it does help like you might think, but I suggest closing your eyes for most of the loop. Using two hands doesn’t.
I find it positively unhinging, I can’t stand being idle. My minds bounding like a rubber ball, only there’s so much to bounce between. Not counting this weekends extra work, it’s still a factor of ~14 weeks until I’ve the hours needed to apply for the license exam: 12 weeks if I’m lucky. 12/4 suggests that’s roughly 3 months.. I’m going out of my skull. The only practical way to move forward, is dependent upon WORK, ya know, that little four lettered word that describes what most people do all day? Work that pays. Resorting to *foot travel*, has seen my stress levels being pushed up an order of magnitude. It’s like take the most adaunt pain in the pass you’ve ever had to listen to, them multiple it by the number of hours of sharing the same roof… family, what is it good for? At least *normal* people, you can refile under /dev/null. There’s only one simple fact: no license == contingency plans. The only solution past that, is DEFCON 0. I’ve spent at least two and a half years on the research issues alone, let along how much thought I’ve put into things, on how to move forward without being made worse of a slave here. I can’t sit here much longer.
I’ve busted my back for years, and I have to be held back thus? Is it to much to expect someone, to get off their fucking ass every now and again? If I was in water, I would be drowning; while family smokes a cigarette and drinks a coke in delight. FML. I’m not a mercenary, I don’t expect very much out of anyone, but for once in my life, it would be nice to have a little cotton picking help‽ I hardly ask for anything… not even a fucking sliver of food. What do I get? I’m going out of my freaking mind. I think I’m starting to remember what the word love looks like. Both in the sense that’s how far you have to be willing to go, to actually love someone, and in the sense, that you can rest assured… your flesh and blood will eventually place you there.
How much time, can you spend trying to solve a problem, while being kept form even lifting a fucking finger towards it… and still hang on to your sanity?
I can honestly say… both eating real food, and eating junk food, nether helps the knots in my stomach :-(.
Between the headaches, the knots, and everything else, why doesn’t someone just shoot me and be done with it…
So far, the only good thing I really can say about the month of May, is I’m stuck working part of this weekend. Means ma gets ~$50 in her coffers and I should get at least another 2 1/2 hours driving time this week.
What do I have to do, get out and push with a RPG?
I muut say, whatever the human body releases under such physical exerciser certainly helps one string thoughts together again. All but staggering in the process, among other things, one of things I got done, was moving my desktop from the living room, into my room here. I’ve placed it near to the air vent, which seems to decrease the running temps a bit. Don’t want to think what winter will loo like. I also forgot just how freaking heavy an old 19″ CRT monitor weighs, especially when you’re already exhausted. My rooms still a wreck but I’m to tired to car at this point.
The one good ting, I’ve slept ’til almost 0300, that’s nearly two hours more than when I’ve been getting up lately… haven’t been able to sleep worth a slug. Going nuts….
That reminds me, blasted PC is now right next to the router: but Windows now refuses to work with the Ethernet NIC, so I’m still stuck using the wireless lol. The Linux install will work with either… but hey, we’re talking about 60% and regularly dropping out, up to 100% signal, now that the distance is about 1 foot.
Maybe I can play some Quake or sth this morning, that ought to hold my attention for an hour or two…. I hope.
