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Well on the upside, I’ve been managing to get to bed fairly early (0200-0300) and waking up near (0830~0845) the final target mark (0700~0730), and all without having to invoke the alarm clock lol.

The problem is getting used to getting UP that early when I don’t got to go to work. I think I’ve woken up and fallen asleep at least 4 or 5 times before rolling out around 1151 :-/. Practice makes perfect and eventually that should be dealt with, hehe.

I’ve also been playing so much SWAT 4 and mucking with the Department of Agriculture map—I’m starting to dream about playing it!

Sheesh, I think it’s gonna take this crappy-printer longer to print my lesson plan, then it took to write it lol.

I used restructured text and fed it through rst2html, then generated a PostScript file using Mozilla Firefox; it’s only about 3 pages long…

It took about 7 minutes per page… and it’s all plain text :-/

* printer is a Deskjet D1455 supported by GS/HPIJS/Foomatic and hooked up to the LPD/Line Printer Daemon.

My family does nothing but make the things missing in my life that much more apparent.

Reese’s monitors FUBAR so he came over to pik up his spare; so I had to put up with my mother and my brothers usual pissing contests. After listening to essentially the same set of conversations repeated at least 15 times, I started laughing and offered an analogy. “If two and two is equal to two and two, and two and three is equal to three and two,m and so on, do we really have to walk through the entire set of real numbers, which just happens to be pretty darn infinite?”. Combined with my comments on having to hear the same damn convo again and again and AGAIN! They eventually got the point and changed their broken record to another! 20-30 minutes later I said screw it, and sat down on the computer.

Family is excellent at using you, making you feel miserable,

One of the people we work for was having a computer issue and of course offered to help, in reply to her reply, I explained: there is being used and there is being useful, and I like to be useful; I left out that my immediate family only knows my name when they want something 8=).

Tonight I’ve also been badgered over my eyes which are not as good as they used to be; being cooped up at home so much with nothing else to do but sit in front of a computer, what do you expect? And that I obviously will need glasses (or contacts, not that I was asked which in their debate 😎 before I’ll be able to get a license. (Duh, I’m not a dumb ass!) And the list just goes on – I’m tired of putting up. I love my family dearly but I honestly wonder why I have bothered to speak to any of them, since at least 1995~1994; the year reference is because by 1995~1996 I already knew things were headed for the shits, and had already been so miserable for a good while….

I really don’t want to have much to do with my immediate family. I think if I ever moved out, I’d probably call them each once a cycle and leave it at that for the most part, lol. It’s just less painful to avoid unnecessary involvement. In my general opinion, I think they really ceased to “know me” years and years ago: when me and a few friends were essentially swapping how well do you know me type quizes, in writing mine, I had a sinking feeling at what my family would do if given it (I don’t dare lol).

All in all the more I am around them the worse I feel, and ever more so do I long for what I seek in life: and wonder if I shall ever find it. It is the hope of finding what I seek, that keeps me moving, and I refuse to be shaken.

You know… I am basically living on about 1 1/4 to 1 2/3 litres of water a day, and since I’ve mostly given up on snacking/junk food, basically 2 meals a day on average lol.

I’m not quite sure if that is good or bad o/.

I was sitting on near the foot of the bed with the laptop, puttering about on IRC and hashing out some stuff in vim, etc. When I see something black with 6 legs scurry along the edge of the bed to my right – a cockroach. Despite having a prior “inmate” in it from this morning, I managed to get it into the bug catcher without much problem.

The things that bother me?

I saw it in my peripherally vision well enough to identify it, as well as gauge threat level.

Leaning over, I could see it in great detail

I managed to get off the bed and begin the capture procedure without alerting it (vibrational)

Turning on the lights wasn’t necessary to improve my vision… it was plain as day without them.

and I was more alert then the dog :-/. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have a cat, lol.

What can I say, I’ve been forced into the dark for so many years…. my eyes and brain practically work like light amplification goggles -> I’m not even going to comment about how it feels to ride in a car on an unlit road at night, lol. Even worse, I have yet to lose my mastery of stealth. I can still maneuvre and creep with remarkable ease for a civi; learned out of necessity. In my reading of the Count of Monte Cristo, when it mentioned Edmond’s vision in the dark, I couldn’t help but feel, “Dang, it’s not just me then”. But alas, to late now.

Right now the only positive aspects of life, are the animals and the computers… that’s the most joyous thing I can think of, outside continuing to breath in and out. The realization of my goals through Operational Redeemer are imperative at this point, for the sake of my spirits survival.

In a way I think I have become greedy due tomy time on the Internet; being treated like a human being rather then an animal, can really spoil ones stomach for life in this family. I am tired of being treated like an asset, like a machine (actually, I treat my machines better then my family treats me lol). Most of the time, I feel like the only time anyone knows my name is when they want something; and that is about it. Capping it all off, I am virtually stuck here with subjugation not far away. Today only further ratifies my POV that they nether care nor listen; it is time to go for broke, and plod on with these aims.

It will be years in realizing my goals of being free again, and I fear in some ways the pace of movement is much to rapid for maintaining stealth. Betraying the presence of any concerted efforts would be dentimental to Operation Redeemer. In order to have the best odds of success, I very much want everyone to be like a frog in cool water; my liberation must be like slowly raising the heat until it is to late to be actively opposed by anyone. I’ve always considered myself to be calm, cool, and calculated in whatever actions I plan out throughly ahead of time: but this is at uncharted depths. I’ve yielded more then a decade to this misery, only to watch the shackles bind me ever more closely. I grow weary of crawling through darkness in search of a light, so tired, so very tired… Some day I will leave this place behind and GOD as my witness, I will never have to suffer like this again. My patience is renown here (as my family is as patient as a gold fish out of water), but this operation will stretch its timbres to the breaking point. but will be well worth it… or so I pray.

Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

— Patrick Henry, 1775-03-23

Since it has become quite obvious that it will never get thrown away…. I’ve moved the old dresser from in front of the closet (i.e. next to the bed) to the other side of the room in the corner, and rotated the cubby-half turned night stand from there to whence the dresser came. The effect of this is such, that my general space in the middle of the room is massively increased. The immediate benefit of this is clear: more room to walk about. On the other hand, this also means more room to exercise, even when being crowded out by the cloths racks that always push me out of the damn room every laundry day!

I’ve also rigged it up with one of the drawers so I can safely balance the laptop on it, and work fairly comfortably whilst *standing*. This is probably better then shifting side to side on the bed, competing for space with the dog whenever I’m on the laptop lol. It also gains me a more effective arrangement of storage in my room, hehe.

I am not so sure how well this will work out for my neck, but it is fine on my eyes. Another off-bit, it decreases the privacy of my screen somewhat, but I’m not in the habit of surfing porn so it really doesn’t matter lol. The point under which I am most often concerned about the privacy of my monitor on the other hand: is preventing anyone from reading my conversations (or jorunal) over my shoulder ;).

Let’s see how this works out, if it doesn’t well it is easy enough to just re-route the cable and sit on the bed as normal.

Organizational concept (untried, would be wonderful to test some day and expand in the future)

Divide pay into

good deeds | petrol | operations | savings

funds

about 10% where viable to a “good deed” fund: cash to be used for positive and unselfish aims, as well as a margin :-/. You could say, my concept of a tithe when such is able to fit into the bottom line.

At least $20 off a weeks wage for fuel, so Her Royal Pain wouldn’t have to foot the entire bill.

and crack apart the remainder into operations and savings: where operations represents available funds for the current cycle and savings gets saved, for what it’s worth lol. And hopefully if there’s anything left from operations at the end of cycle, dump it into savings or petrol.

Without any bills atm, getting steady pay would allow me to *_S_A_V_E_* some money for a change. The hard part of course would be keeping as much of the details in secrecy, otherwise if my family ever found out viable data, they would F’ing bleed me dry in no time… statistically proven.

The concept that interests me most is a working at a gas station: simple work and light enough that I won’t be dead as a door nail between it *and* having to suffer through current the working schedule, or should I say any deader then I already am in that regard lol. I would probably give H.R.P. $10 off each pay cycle for gas/use of the car, since if everything goes according to plan: it won’t cost H.R.P. anything for it, that she won’t already have to put up with in motherly fashion; plus it would (theoretically) enable me to cover my own fuel costs! Simply put, if she’s not entailing any large expense on my behalf… fuck her. Ma can put up with her own boat and let me take advantage of the situation — since I can do it less painfully then the way she has taken advantage of my existence on this damn planet! Don’t get me wrong, whenever I’ve had money I have almost always used it wisely: and often generously. But I am not a bank, and I am tired of paying for other peoples life decisions, at the expense of having MY LIFE sucked out into the vacuum of space…. I might not be able to fix that problem, but I sure don’t have to part with anything green as an reward for hurting my life either.

With some luck, I might someday be able to afford a car and then find a way to get out of this hell hole, for once and for all.

Oy! What a night.

I didn’t even wake up to turn off the alarm clock this morning, I was dead to the world…. crazy dreams. Ironically though: I was thinking, “Oh crap, I’m oversleeping!” and then woke up xD. Did some stretching and light exercises, felt good. The only down side is most of it has to be completable with a 13 pound chihuahua sitting on my chest (^_^)/ but other wise things went fairly well. Because of my toe I excluded push ups and anything else that might put to much strain on it. The only problem I had was reverse lunges, couldn’t get the balance right on that side lol.

Curiously, I’ve learned that their is a dojo teaching karate and aikido, located down town. That might be worth looking into in a few years; both are martial arts I would love to learn some day. In the mean time I’m mainly interested in “getting back into shape” so to speak. The last 3 years have only had working beyond exhaustion for PT, so yeah it’s time to make a run for it! My upper body strength is no worse and actually those muscles are might be the only things that has gotten enough exercise :-/. My focus right now is lower body muscles and legs – I also long to include running. I’ve also begun incorporating combative elements: it’s been so long that I’ve forgetting many things. Most of the guards and footwork has drifted off into mental history, but hey… my last fight was at 16~17 or so, and I avoid unnecessary engagements lol.

Got a couple games of SWAT 4 and had a short chat, but otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day. I also started working through the maths books after dinner, when I went to bed I figured that I would restart. Guess what? I’m standing there in front of the dresser with the book & book light — and something black comes running out from it! The Spider drops the the deck and begins movcing, I whacked it down flat with the book light and put my water bottle on top, so I could get a paper towel (squish!) and bug catcher. Pulled the book light off and of course, it “popped” itself back up and tried to scurry away; nabbed it with a crunch with the paper towel. When I laxed my grip to see if it was dead, the bastardo dropped back to the ground and ran. Lost track of it as it was going up the side of the dresser, close to the drawer sides. After much looking and drawer slamming and inspecting, and no luck finding it: I decided to pull the empty drawers out and look around on the inside of the dresser. I found a black mark on the same side and draw-height I had last seen it… took a look and it looked vaguely arachnid like. Fetched a nutpick (~5 inch metal rode /w awl) to use as a probe, confirmed… dead or the best possum of a bug I’ve seen in 2 decades. Pushed it out onto the paper towel for an inspection. No real telling how old the corpse was but it is certainly the same kind of spider. To me it looked more like the abdomen had been smashed then punctured – and it was fairly empty. Cutting it apart with the nutpick, I found it slightly gooy inside and what passes for leg muscle still “working” when flexed. So I doubt if it was sucked dry by another spider, but still didn’t rule out the possibility of cannibalism. In inspecting the side of the dresser inside, I noticed no signs of guts beyond a leg that fell off. Checking the side of the drawer, I noticed a black mark (as if part of the spiders skin) and further away in a fairly suitable spot, what looked like something had been “mushed” onto it… so I assume the poor S.O.B. got mashed by the drawer whilst trying to escape.

Why am I starting to think of Star Trek 6?

Ahh, tomorrow I have totally off work… just got off 4 days of light work+extra stress, and Thursday/Friday will be heavy work+extra stress.. but Sat-Mon are at least off, hehe.

In cleaning out and shuffling around some old things, I found two things of interest. One was a short story (18~20 pages) I came up with in school. Sometime I think I will sit down and read it, and perhaps enter it into a computer or update it just for the heck of it. I’ve always been a person with ideas, but not always with the means to chase after them :'(. Although I have never considered myself as much talent for writing (let along English), it has always been among my many varied interests. The other thing I found was a folder full of old designs I did in my early-mid teens, the days when I was always found walking around with a pen/pencil, a pad, and a calculator, and occasionally walking into things…. haha!

And also for what it is worth, a time before being relegated to a computer, turned my handwriting into chicken scratch lol.