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Right now the only positive aspects of life, are the animals and the computers… that’s the most joyous thing I can think of, outside continuing to breath in and out. The realization of my goals through Operational Redeemer are imperative at this point, for the sake of my spirits survival.

In a way I think I have become greedy due tomy time on the Internet; being treated like a human being rather then an animal, can really spoil ones stomach for life in this family. I am tired of being treated like an asset, like a machine (actually, I treat my machines better then my family treats me lol). Most of the time, I feel like the only time anyone knows my name is when they want something; and that is about it. Capping it all off, I am virtually stuck here with subjugation not far away. Today only further ratifies my POV that they nether care nor listen; it is time to go for broke, and plod on with these aims.

It will be years in realizing my goals of being free again, and I fear in some ways the pace of movement is much to rapid for maintaining stealth. Betraying the presence of any concerted efforts would be dentimental to Operation Redeemer. In order to have the best odds of success, I very much want everyone to be like a frog in cool water; my liberation must be like slowly raising the heat until it is to late to be actively opposed by anyone. I’ve always considered myself to be calm, cool, and calculated in whatever actions I plan out throughly ahead of time: but this is at uncharted depths. I’ve yielded more then a decade to this misery, only to watch the shackles bind me ever more closely. I grow weary of crawling through darkness in search of a light, so tired, so very tired… Some day I will leave this place behind and GOD as my witness, I will never have to suffer like this again. My patience is renown here (as my family is as patient as a gold fish out of water), but this operation will stretch its timbres to the breaking point. but will be well worth it… or so I pray.

Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

— Patrick Henry, 1775-03-23

Since it has become quite obvious that it will never get thrown away…. I’ve moved the old dresser from in front of the closet (i.e. next to the bed) to the other side of the room in the corner, and rotated the cubby-half turned night stand from there to whence the dresser came. The effect of this is such, that my general space in the middle of the room is massively increased. The immediate benefit of this is clear: more room to walk about. On the other hand, this also means more room to exercise, even when being crowded out by the cloths racks that always push me out of the damn room every laundry day!

I’ve also rigged it up with one of the drawers so I can safely balance the laptop on it, and work fairly comfortably whilst *standing*. This is probably better then shifting side to side on the bed, competing for space with the dog whenever I’m on the laptop lol. It also gains me a more effective arrangement of storage in my room, hehe.

I am not so sure how well this will work out for my neck, but it is fine on my eyes. Another off-bit, it decreases the privacy of my screen somewhat, but I’m not in the habit of surfing porn so it really doesn’t matter lol. The point under which I am most often concerned about the privacy of my monitor on the other hand: is preventing anyone from reading my conversations (or jorunal) over my shoulder ;).

Let’s see how this works out, if it doesn’t well it is easy enough to just re-route the cable and sit on the bed as normal.

Organizational concept (untried, would be wonderful to test some day and expand in the future)

Divide pay into

good deeds | petrol | operations | savings

funds

about 10% where viable to a “good deed” fund: cash to be used for positive and unselfish aims, as well as a margin :-/. You could say, my concept of a tithe when such is able to fit into the bottom line.

At least $20 off a weeks wage for fuel, so Her Royal Pain wouldn’t have to foot the entire bill.

and crack apart the remainder into operations and savings: where operations represents available funds for the current cycle and savings gets saved, for what it’s worth lol. And hopefully if there’s anything left from operations at the end of cycle, dump it into savings or petrol.

Without any bills atm, getting steady pay would allow me to *_S_A_V_E_* some money for a change. The hard part of course would be keeping as much of the details in secrecy, otherwise if my family ever found out viable data, they would F’ing bleed me dry in no time… statistically proven.

The concept that interests me most is a working at a gas station: simple work and light enough that I won’t be dead as a door nail between it *and* having to suffer through current the working schedule, or should I say any deader then I already am in that regard lol. I would probably give H.R.P. $10 off each pay cycle for gas/use of the car, since if everything goes according to plan: it won’t cost H.R.P. anything for it, that she won’t already have to put up with in motherly fashion; plus it would (theoretically) enable me to cover my own fuel costs! Simply put, if she’s not entailing any large expense on my behalf… fuck her. Ma can put up with her own boat and let me take advantage of the situation — since I can do it less painfully then the way she has taken advantage of my existence on this damn planet! Don’t get me wrong, whenever I’ve had money I have almost always used it wisely: and often generously. But I am not a bank, and I am tired of paying for other peoples life decisions, at the expense of having MY LIFE sucked out into the vacuum of space…. I might not be able to fix that problem, but I sure don’t have to part with anything green as an reward for hurting my life either.

With some luck, I might someday be able to afford a car and then find a way to get out of this hell hole, for once and for all.

Oy! What a night.

I didn’t even wake up to turn off the alarm clock this morning, I was dead to the world…. crazy dreams. Ironically though: I was thinking, “Oh crap, I’m oversleeping!” and then woke up xD. Did some stretching and light exercises, felt good. The only down side is most of it has to be completable with a 13 pound chihuahua sitting on my chest (^_^)/ but other wise things went fairly well. Because of my toe I excluded push ups and anything else that might put to much strain on it. The only problem I had was reverse lunges, couldn’t get the balance right on that side lol.

Curiously, I’ve learned that their is a dojo teaching karate and aikido, located down town. That might be worth looking into in a few years; both are martial arts I would love to learn some day. In the mean time I’m mainly interested in “getting back into shape” so to speak. The last 3 years have only had working beyond exhaustion for PT, so yeah it’s time to make a run for it! My upper body strength is no worse and actually those muscles are might be the only things that has gotten enough exercise :-/. My focus right now is lower body muscles and legs – I also long to include running. I’ve also begun incorporating combative elements: it’s been so long that I’ve forgetting many things. Most of the guards and footwork has drifted off into mental history, but hey… my last fight was at 16~17 or so, and I avoid unnecessary engagements lol.

Got a couple games of SWAT 4 and had a short chat, but otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day. I also started working through the maths books after dinner, when I went to bed I figured that I would restart. Guess what? I’m standing there in front of the dresser with the book & book light — and something black comes running out from it! The Spider drops the the deck and begins movcing, I whacked it down flat with the book light and put my water bottle on top, so I could get a paper towel (squish!) and bug catcher. Pulled the book light off and of course, it “popped” itself back up and tried to scurry away; nabbed it with a crunch with the paper towel. When I laxed my grip to see if it was dead, the bastardo dropped back to the ground and ran. Lost track of it as it was going up the side of the dresser, close to the drawer sides. After much looking and drawer slamming and inspecting, and no luck finding it: I decided to pull the empty drawers out and look around on the inside of the dresser. I found a black mark on the same side and draw-height I had last seen it… took a look and it looked vaguely arachnid like. Fetched a nutpick (~5 inch metal rode /w awl) to use as a probe, confirmed… dead or the best possum of a bug I’ve seen in 2 decades. Pushed it out onto the paper towel for an inspection. No real telling how old the corpse was but it is certainly the same kind of spider. To me it looked more like the abdomen had been smashed then punctured – and it was fairly empty. Cutting it apart with the nutpick, I found it slightly gooy inside and what passes for leg muscle still “working” when flexed. So I doubt if it was sucked dry by another spider, but still didn’t rule out the possibility of cannibalism. In inspecting the side of the dresser inside, I noticed no signs of guts beyond a leg that fell off. Checking the side of the drawer, I noticed a black mark (as if part of the spiders skin) and further away in a fairly suitable spot, what looked like something had been “mushed” onto it… so I assume the poor S.O.B. got mashed by the drawer whilst trying to escape.

Why am I starting to think of Star Trek 6?

Ahh, tomorrow I have totally off work… just got off 4 days of light work+extra stress, and Thursday/Friday will be heavy work+extra stress.. but Sat-Mon are at least off, hehe.

In cleaning out and shuffling around some old things, I found two things of interest. One was a short story (18~20 pages) I came up with in school. Sometime I think I will sit down and read it, and perhaps enter it into a computer or update it just for the heck of it. I’ve always been a person with ideas, but not always with the means to chase after them :'(. Although I have never considered myself as much talent for writing (let along English), it has always been among my many varied interests. The other thing I found was a folder full of old designs I did in my early-mid teens, the days when I was always found walking around with a pen/pencil, a pad, and a calculator, and occasionally walking into things…. haha!

And also for what it is worth, a time before being relegated to a computer, turned my handwriting into chicken scratch lol.

Earth 2100 is perhaps one of the most alarming scenarios I have ever seen or heard in my life. It paints a bleak picture of what failure to change could mean for the human race. It makes me think back to watching Captain Planet and the Planeteers has a child. I remember very well, an episode where Wheeler changed history: preempting the creation of the planeteers: leading to a future world where nature had been pommeled into devastation. Which obviously, isn’t diddly compared to what earth2100 models.

Heh, just think what effect 15 years can have?

For anyone with kids or wanting to have children in the future, I think you will be wondering soberly just what kind of world we will leave our future to deal with, after seeing earth2100. For me, it has very much a reaffirmed my beliefs that man can’t afford to stand individually against the challenges that plague our world. It can’t be American technology, it can’t be Russian technology, it can’t be Chinese technology, and it can’t be Indian technology: it must be human technology. All the politics, all the petty differences, all of the endless bullshit: it all just sucks peoples attention from doing things that matter. What if there was no fear among neighbors? What if even 10% or 15% of every powerful nation devoted a year of their life to doing some good in this fouled up world?

Remove politics as usual and all of the social cruft from the equation and the globe could be painted anew within a few centuries time. Hunger, famine, it could all be washed away into the history books, if only the human race would stand together as one race: not white, not black, not Chinese, not French, but human!. United towards a set of common goals, my word it could be a paradise by the year 3000 — even Star Trek could be within our reach.

I generally avoid politics, since a global democracy would be more to my tastes then national governments. It’ll never happen, if it ever did happen we would fuck it up royally. One of the reasons I have always loved Battletech is because its histories display human nature. Above all, the tale of the push into space, of the Star League and the golden era, and mans fall into dark age…. it displays our nature to destroy ourselves, ever more so when we do finally have “a good thing” going, does that nature manifest itself in full. We are the greatest plague of locusts ever created — the human race.

In my own life time, I know the things I would like to see.

More and more data centers turning green inside and out. Hardware and software are getting to the point that we will be able to squeeze the machines for all the are worth in a few years. Power and cooling of a large data center is an immense task, imagine if data centers could supply their own power indefinitely for as long as wind blows and sun continues to move across the sky? Throw in the hookups to existing power resources used across data centers, and the obvious on and off site insurance policies against a “Oh shit, the power is out” kind of moment, can you really lose? IMHO it would be in line with the core rule of being in business: to remain in business!

What of technology? Just about everyone in this country has an iPod. (Except me, I prefer laptops haha!) What if by 2011 every iPod produced by Apple was powered by solar energy and only used its rechargeable batteries as a back up? Just think if that same technology was applied to every cell phone in the world! What if laptops could be made that charge themselves off a solar collective skin, rather then relying on AC adapters and batteries you eventually have to replace? What if by 2020 the sale and manufacturer of fossil fuel burning automobiles was banned in the United States, and replaced with an everlasting source of power? Heck these days even high end tactical watches are made with solar power + battery reserves, I’ve even heard the U.S. Navy SEAL teams have begun making use of them – you can’t afford a dead battery in combat! Why can’t we have the same on cell phones, ipods, laptops, etc? It would be much less headache and landfill, if the battery companies would find a new business model (^_^)/

It is innovation and a will to stand together that can bring about CHANGE in this world. And it is the piss-ant scum bags who will do nothing but maintain their status quo, who I curse, and prey that they see their business ripped apart by those businesses who will innovate the market place. Innovation and hard work helped make America the fat country it is today, its what brought man from sticks and stones to rocket ships and iPods — and what most so seriously be protected. And it what could bring us into a golden age…… if only we faught for it, if only we could do it…. and not fuck up more then we succeed! lol.

goals – 5 year scope

decent pair of boots
decent sunglasses
learners permit -> drivers license
cell phone

Thoughts?
 Boots?  -> 3mo~1yr
 Sunglasses  ->  ~6mo
 Learners permit -> ~1mo
 cell phone -> ?

The future hasn’t been written yet, I can never accept anything else as fact. The future is only what I build of it…

I’m so tied of this place, so tied of being surrounded by fools. They are everything I reject: I refuse to be cruel, I can not hate, and I will not be like them.

For a better part of my years, I spent time learning to fight, to defend agaisnt whatever might come. Now I find myself, facing a new demon: one inside the head. The only way, to win the war is one battle at a time.

The future is what we make for ourselves.

There will be a day when I no longer hurt, when there is no more fear, and I am no longer alone. I will stand tall and plant my feet upon this rock, and I shall not be shaken from my path.

Sun May 31 03:44:23 UTC 2009

Tonight after, umm never mind that. I sat down and started cracking into some math books. One advantage of being the youngest son, I have inherited all of my brothers old high school books. Quite some time ago, I decided that if I was ever going to find my way into making heads or tails of mathematics, I would have to start at the “beginning” so to speak, walking forward from there. Starting the frame is Algebra, Geometry, Trigonometry, and Calculus.

Since my education in mathematics is, should we say for the sake of brevity, almost worthless: I have always found it more difficult to understand then computer programs or computer science. The further I look though, the more and more I am starting to see thw twistedly interesting connections between math and computer science, and software engineering.

So far, I have come to one rather rapid conclusion. If by the 3rd or 4th grade, I had actually been progressively exposed to high school level maths, rather then the same ol’shit: maybe I would not have spent the last decade of my life — being so unbelievably fukin’ bored shitlessly stiff with school work!

Not to mention, that I might not be paying though the time-clock of life* in order to catch up on the fun, if I had been….

Comparing the texts to programming languages abilities to express like wise, I am also starting to understand why the space cadet keyboard was invented, and wish there was a programming language that so-applied it in order to a new level of terseness. In some funky way, how things is expressed in these books reminds me of a lot of Perl: learn enough of the notation and you can make heads or tails out of almost anything, and then try and figure out if you understood it or not xD. (Although arguably Perl has a 1up in that department, in that 5.8.9 came with >170,000 p-lines of documentation describing the language, etc.)

Once my curiosity is piqued: things start to click into place… and I have never been a geek that does things by halves (^_^)/

* that is, I believe time ≅ life: much the same as the old saying goes, “Time is Monkey”, to me “Time is life” !

Got to bed fairly early, it was only 04:30Q when I logged off; not sure when I fell asleep but at least the sun wasn’t up yet.

Got up for work, and was annoyed that my shoes hadn’t dried out yet! My old “Utilishoes” are to tight period, let along for working in; and my mains have a very short outsole, so the inside got pretty drenched yesterday at work lol. Tried cramming my foot into the shoe with socks on, that went over like hitting a lead wall… So no real choice except to put up wit hit. Yeah, battered foot and wet shoe, not a good mix.

Really what I would like is a good pair of jungle boots. There are three things every soldier deserves for equipment: a good pair boots, a decent weapon, and canteens that don’t leak on the quick march. What better way for a civilian to find a decent set of boots? One reason why jungle boots interest me, by definition they more or less need a good balance between the heat and the soak lol. With so much need for desert boots over seas now’re days, who knows, maybe surplus stores might even be in surplus of jungles… haha. They certainly can’t be any worse then the kinds of shoes I’ve had to deal with over the past 20 years :-/