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Was having an odd but light dream. I dreamed something about having a German Shepard dog named Pip. I remember something about a car and a parking lot, and we ended up running home together on foot with no need for a leash. Eventually there was other people and the ground got rougher until finally Pip ended up injured along side; and a woman with near angelic qualities and a healing touch stepped in. Before Willow and Coco, I always thought if I ever got a dog of my own in the future, it would likely be along the lines of a German Shepard; and I’ve always considered myself more of a cat person anyway lol. But of course, I wouldn’t trade these knucklehead chihuahuas for anything!

When I woke up it was about on par with when I want to be getting up but I went to bed late last night, so I just rolled back over lol. Then I started dreaming about investigating a star-tanker that had picked up a Xenomorph, and only had few survivors left. The whole thing was kind of reminiscent of Will Smiths character in I am Legend but I know always keep the dang rifle handy ;).

The good thing? I’ve managed to not over sleep so badly today… haha!

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Ended up putting my head down for a few minutes and what do ya know, next thing I know it’s a quarter after zero instead of a quarter after twenty two lol, Sat down to soak the toe, and flipped on Night of the Living Dead with about an hour left to go; I’ve never seen the original or the remake before actually. Not much of a fan of zombie movies but it wasn’t to bad I guess :-/. Despite the remarkable danger of it, it was actually refreshing to see someone tackle zombies unarmed—but I wouldn’t reccomend it tactically lol.When it comes to horror movies, I actually consider a zombie horde more threatening then a vampire invasion; it’s kind of hard to find both minigun emplacements with nearly limitless ammunition and a good defensible position at the same time! In looking through some of the notes on the web, it looks like Night of the Living Dead is also where the expression “They’re coming to get you, Barbra!” comes from, never knew that. Ok, so I’ve probably been living under a rock for the last century, so sue me.

After that was a movie I wanted to see but never had the chance: Hellboy II: The Golden Army. I very much enjoyed what I got to see of the first film, you could say I have a soft spot for movies with a sense of humour ;). The scene when Hellboy and Abe are getting drunk is also worth while, and Yohann Krauss makes for an interesting addition. (Telling Manning to suck his ectoplasmic schwanzstucker was also a nice touch.) Interestingly, it seems that the comics on Hellboy were published by Dark Horse, always a big plus in my book.I can still remember as a kid, it was always Dark Horse that kept Aliens and Aliens Vs Predator on the shelves hehe. Ironically, ‘Before Hellboy was published independently at Dark Horse Comics, the concept was initially pitched to a board of directors for DC Comics, who loved it but didn’t like the idea of it involving “hell.”‘ which sounds just like DC!

There hasn’t been much on nor much to do lately, so it was actually kind of refreshing to watch TV instead of spend the entire night on the computer….

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A liquid element is like water, it may thunder down upon an enemy but wash away under its own weight
A fixed elements ridigidness may become unweildly on contested ground
A fluid element seeps through the cracks and overwhelms the enemy

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I’ve a haiku-inspired thought in my head, that applies to fixed / liquid / fluid elements… todo write it when I have a clear’er mind

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Today has been a fairly good day. Dreams not to bad and I only over slept by an hour… lol. Spent most of the day conducting training for our newest recruit. Personally, I find the long winded chatter of some of the trainings I do quite boring; so I always try to keep sessions MOVING, try to keep people focused and moving forward. Recruits learn better when they are focused and not just trying to stay awake o/. That’s also one of the reasons I try to do a lot of training that’s more hands on stick and throttle these days. Most of the time I do training, I usually think of a class room’ish and hands on sector, yet try to avoid breaking it up as such. The older I get at teaching CQB tactics the easier it gets.

The recruits very good to work with, and perhaps more dedicated then most I’ve seen enter the selection course over the years. Heh, it also makes me think back to the days when most of our senior NCOs were going through the selection course: they could be a bunch of rowdy pains in our neck but eventually learned xD. Since 2005 I have seen and done much in [SAS], but getting to teach I think is still one of my very most favorite parts of this team.

After the prolonged session (thanks to all the live fire, hehe) I also got to spend time with Walker. I gave it him the mission in a way he is not likely to be used to yet: I gave it to him [SAS] style, pro all the way. The kinda raids us members conduct periodically and love doing. Where it is nether set in stone nor left to chance, but sublimely tactical in nature.

I am quite happy with all of our Recruits at the moment, I haven’t spent most of the last couple months with my eyes focused on our senior RvS recruit for nothing hehe. I always tend to rotate and slide myself into where ever I can lend a hand in [SAS], to me that’s just how a team works. I also have always liked it, when I have the chance to become useful in many trades. Through my path, my teammates cover me and I cover them, and we all get it done sooner or later.

I don’t drink, but cheers to that b||b

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Sheesh, I think it’s gonna take this crappy-printer longer to print my lesson plan, then it took to write it lol.

I used restructured text and fed it through rst2html, then generated a PostScript file using Mozilla Firefox; it’s only about 3 pages long…

It took about 7 minutes per page… and it’s all plain text :-/

* printer is a Deskjet D1455 supported by GS/HPIJS/Foomatic and hooked up to the LPD/Line Printer Daemon.

Miserable night….

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My family does nothing but make the things missing in my life that much more apparent.

Reese’s monitors FUBAR so he came over to pik up his spare; so I had to put up with my mother and my brothers usual pissing contests. After listening to essentially the same set of conversations repeated at least 15 times, I started laughing and offered an analogy. “If two and two is equal to two and two, and two and three is equal to three and two,m and so on, do we really have to walk through the entire set of real numbers, which just happens to be pretty darn infinite?”. Combined with my comments on having to hear the same damn convo again and again and AGAIN! They eventually got the point and changed their broken record to another! 20-30 minutes later I said screw it, and sat down on the computer.

Family is excellent at using you, making you feel miserable,

One of the people we work for was having a computer issue and of course offered to help, in reply to her reply, I explained: there is being used and there is being useful, and I like to be useful; I left out that my immediate family only knows my name when they want something 8=).

Tonight I’ve also been badgered over my eyes which are not as good as they used to be; being cooped up at home so much with nothing else to do but sit in front of a computer, what do you expect? And that I obviously will need glasses (or contacts, not that I was asked which in their debate 😎 before I’ll be able to get a license. (Duh, I’m not a dumb ass!) And the list just goes on – I’m tired of putting up. I love my family dearly but I honestly wonder why I have bothered to speak to any of them, since at least 1995~1994; the year reference is because by 1995~1996 I already knew things were headed for the shits, and had already been so miserable for a good while….

I really don’t want to have much to do with my immediate family. I think if I ever moved out, I’d probably call them each once a cycle and leave it at that for the most part, lol. It’s just less painful to avoid unnecessary involvement. In my general opinion, I think they really ceased to “know me” years and years ago: when me and a few friends were essentially swapping how well do you know me type quizes, in writing mine, I had a sinking feeling at what my family would do if given it (I don’t dare lol).

All in all the more I am around them the worse I feel, and ever more so do I long for what I seek in life: and wonder if I shall ever find it. It is the hope of finding what I seek, that keeps me moving, and I refuse to be shaken.

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You know… I am basically living on about 1 1/4 to 1 2/3 litres of water a day, and since I’ve mostly given up on snacking/junk food, basically 2 meals a day on average lol.

I’m not quite sure if that is good or bad o/.

Another reminder of my life in darkness

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I was sitting on near the foot of the bed with the laptop, puttering about on IRC and hashing out some stuff in vim, etc. When I see something black with 6 legs scurry along the edge of the bed to my right – a cockroach. Despite having a prior “inmate” in it from this morning, I managed to get it into the bug catcher without much problem.

The things that bother me?

I saw it in my peripherally vision well enough to identify it, as well as gauge threat level.

Leaning over, I could see it in great detail

I managed to get off the bed and begin the capture procedure without alerting it (vibrational)

Turning on the lights wasn’t necessary to improve my vision… it was plain as day without them.

and I was more alert then the dog :-/. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have a cat, lol.

What can I say, I’ve been forced into the dark for so many years…. my eyes and brain practically work like light amplification goggles -> I’m not even going to comment about how it feels to ride in a car on an unlit road at night, lol. Even worse, I have yet to lose my mastery of stealth. I can still maneuvre and creep with remarkable ease for a civi; learned out of necessity. In my reading of the Count of Monte Cristo, when it mentioned Edmond’s vision in the dark, I couldn’t help but feel, “Dang, it’s not just me then”. But alas, to late now.

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Right now the only positive aspects of life, are the animals and the computers… that’s the most joyous thing I can think of, outside continuing to breath in and out. The realization of my goals through Operational Redeemer are imperative at this point, for the sake of my spirits survival.

In a way I think I have become greedy due tomy time on the Internet; being treated like a human being rather then an animal, can really spoil ones stomach for life in this family. I am tired of being treated like an asset, like a machine (actually, I treat my machines better then my family treats me lol). Most of the time, I feel like the only time anyone knows my name is when they want something; and that is about it. Capping it all off, I am virtually stuck here with subjugation not far away. Today only further ratifies my POV that they nether care nor listen; it is time to go for broke, and plod on with these aims.

It will be years in realizing my goals of being free again, and I fear in some ways the pace of movement is much to rapid for maintaining stealth. Betraying the presence of any concerted efforts would be dentimental to Operation Redeemer. In order to have the best odds of success, I very much want everyone to be like a frog in cool water; my liberation must be like slowly raising the heat until it is to late to be actively opposed by anyone. I’ve always considered myself to be calm, cool, and calculated in whatever actions I plan out throughly ahead of time: but this is at uncharted depths. I’ve yielded more then a decade to this misery, only to watch the shackles bind me ever more closely. I grow weary of crawling through darkness in search of a light, so tired, so very tired… Some day I will leave this place behind and GOD as my witness, I will never have to suffer like this again. My patience is renown here (as my family is as patient as a gold fish out of water), but this operation will stretch its timbres to the breaking point. but will be well worth it… or so I pray.

Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

— Patrick Henry, 1775-03-23