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Why is it I can never sleep ??

Ever since I was little, unless I’m.. lmao I don’t even know the word in English.. just spoken in Italian ! Never realized that. Basically, ready to drop is when I sleep.

I’ve been thinking about the past, and fearing the future. To put it mildly GOD, [SAS], and maybe the Dogs are really the only good things to have impacted my life in recent years. Once I contemplated suicide but I couldn’t figure out a fool proof way. When I finally did, I had just found my reason for living. I guess it could be guessed from my word ordering which that was.

As for the other, the one place where my sanity is preserved… Online is the one place I’m free. I can be me and not have to deal with the consequences (read aggravation) from those that are against it. I live in the freest country in the world.. but I’m not a free man. But with the [SAS] I have some thing to look forward to. I’d rather be spending time with my teammates clearing rooms then a lot of the other crap I spend my days doing.

I just wish there was some thing more to my life, some thing different. Its hard to put my finger on it.. but I know its missing one way or the other. And there’s nothing I can see to do about it.

I remember some thing I once wrote, today I know not if it would have been better to have burned it or not. But.. its, dang blast. It must be going on 3 years now. You could say if the saying “You can’t get blood from a stone” was true… the Stone was once made of flesh. Now of ash.. Maybe I should just try to sleep, but then I lay awake and think. My thoughts overwhelm me. One thing I love about the [SAS]…. While its like my home away from home, its *not* like my home ! If it was, I don’t think it would be the same. For me, I’m an [SAS] man till the day I die, or the day they ban me lol. Someday, I think I’d be one of the happiest people in the world. If I lived to see one of my Children (if my life ever leads that way) Join the team. Randoms probably the longest time member, hope he aways is lol. But I’d rather like to still be one 30 years from now. Some how I wouldn’t be surprised if the teams still here in the 2030s even if I’m not alive to see it.

….. Why can’t I just sleep !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do I need to bang my head against the wall till I lose consonance ? I’m tired to death of thinking yet I can’t stop thinking. I lay back, and see my past behind me. And I see whats missing in my future ahead of me. I just don’t know what to do any more.

Life is killing me, bit by bit it is. I know it is, but how do you fight some thing. When the only ways you know how, are irrelevant to the problem. My failures haunt me, my successes drift in the moon light. What is the sum of my life I wonder? What will I say when that final day does come? I’m not sure. Other then I’ll probably have to say “I fucked up” about a number of things. But, with luck that’s a good ways away. Part of a life time to overcome. Still, I stand only to be pushed aside, knocked over.

Why ? I don’t even know any more, and how the f!$$@ did I learn to type what passes through my mind almost as fast as it occurs to me !? Have I really been around the computer that much… well, I’ve practically been around one since I was 5 years old. I just don’t know any more. Life sucks…

I need rest, I need to relax, but that will never happen. I don’t rest, I exist
To be patronized, assaulted, corrupted, but what else is there? I’m tired of all the bullsh1+ just tired of it.. But if I break from the course, I hurt others. The people I care about, even if they tend to hurt me.

I’m not free to do as I wish, nor am I liable to torment. But wtf is there to do ? I’m losing my mind bit by bit. There’s no one there to see it. No one to care.. I don’t, know any more what I’m doing.

Why can’t my life change for the better? The steps I take, are always out maneuvered. Damn it, why can’t I just have rest, to be at peace for a change. I need some thing, but I don’t know what it is. Don’t know how to correct it all.

In the [SAS], I’m treated as a human being, I’m not a fool, not slave. Just, a Spidey. The rest of the time (irl), I’m probably lucky..

I can’t take this any more, I’ve got to try and sleep. Enoughs enough, but a mallet would probably be better.

One versus many…..

I drift alone in a sea of disaster…
My arm reaches for my savior but I have trouble grasping hold.
I find my self on a deserted shore…
I try to stand, yet me knees give way before me.
So I crawl throughout the dark, my legs a dottle behind me…
What was once my hearts only passion.
Turned black as ash, destroyed in the fires.
Pain you can’t just heal…
of a future that could’ve been.
Alas to a life of labour…
Forced to fight, doomed to die.
But to what cause ?
To what do I find my life consumed…
Tis naught a bright future.
yet not black as cole…
I am but a fool.
Like a wild ass in the desert…
I draw close to a stream.
Only to find it flowing with poison…
Escape ! Yet so inevitable a fate.
What is to become ?
Should a simple being relent or…
shall one continue to strive to be the best.
But to what end is life ?
— Spidey01, 2007-06-09

The sad thing…. I’m not drinking !!! I’m perfectly sober. Just collecting my minds thoughts. Mm, I remember it wasn’t always like this. I dunno if it was an improvement or a loss any more. No point to idle in the past.

This months been heck but is far removed from it. I guess I need to keep going, but I don’t know to what end. I… need a vacation.

My idea of the perfect rest.. right now would be a deserted island, a nice stiff tropical drink. A good book and no one around for miles. Just me, no one to bother me, not even a computer.

but it’d be some damn boring…..

What a day.

Freezer burned out, 3 trash bags of frozen stuff gone. Plus the refrigerator’s freezer is packed full(er).

And to night about 0200~0300 local the Air Conditioning is kaput’s.

NICE !

Plus it looks like we’re be missing work or rescheduling.. days pay gone !+ good, but it’d be n ic eto have a little rest.

0410 Local, or in UTC:

Terry@vectra-$ date
Wed Jun  6 08:09:58 UTC 2007

I love having my server set to UTC!!!

Dunno if I can sleep, I’m wide awake and a maintenance crew is due approx 0900 local.. Why bother ?

Now this would be a great sig line loool

So if you can’t lead and you won’t follow, at least try not to throw shit at the luckless bastard on the spot. Cut him a little slack; after all, he’s working for you.

Trying to learn any thing in this place is pointless…. I’m trying to learn a bit more about Algebra — without being credited for it I might add!!!

Add I can’t even hear my self think in this freaking house !!!!!!!!!!

I tend to deal with vordem by trying to learn some thing new, but in this house its impossible to learn any thing. Unless I am the _ONLY_ person awake ! I know I can _NEVER_ work from home.. not unless I’m the only moron living there at this rate.

Also, l24$4 1$ +#3 80|v|8 ! TG#3 has a new map 🙂

I wonder if I could cook up a prog that checks the hw.acpi.battery. life and time sysctrl variables and reports to me when the hit such and such threshold. I’d hope theres some thing in the system that could though. I rarly use my system (laptop) on a battery. But when I do, a lot of times I won’t log into X11 — I just tend to use X11 for Amarok, Konversation, and Konsole. I’ve yet to find a good CLI WWW Browser though, Lynx I’m most comfortable with but I do perfer links for the better page rendering.

Hmm… if I sit and imagine where I’d much rather be. I see my self sitting on a deserted island with a bottle of vodka…. strange really.

I’ve mostly been able to get nothing purposful done today… Got up for 5 minutes to do the wash and hours later.. Still squat is done ! I finished most of the UI and started planning on the rest. Even set up a small test to see what it looks like compiled.

Its impossible to do any thing in t his house…. unless its at night and I can’t stay up for quite some time now. Because of working mornings. So I’m screwed any way. Need to flush my mental cache before I go mad, because I’m no lush.

I think if I hear the word School Work one more time I’ll throw up.

Since I have little time to do any thing. I was thinking about breaking up the program into a number of different programs. For example the main window and the configuration dialog would be two different applications in. And to interact with one enough, they could communicate threw a 3rd party. Each would know how to interface with this 3rd party rather then having to talk to one enough, they talk to the middleman who talks to the other 😉

Some how, I think its poor GUI engineering but I like the design in theory. At least, it sounds better in my mind then how I’ve worded it. I also want to try and expose parts of the implementation through scripts that can be edited without touching the programs code.

Thus, while the program would handle the process of figuring out what to install (e.t.c.) *some* of the actions performed could be tweaked. For example, as I have it envisioned. There is less concern about the implementation of the ports collection in the heart of the program.

So far, the only thing that gives a damn about it is the wrapper on make.

Get ma a eCard

Install QT/KDE binds fgor Ruby

make PBI

Alas, there goes my beard.

We have an interview tomorrow after work for another pet sitting job.. So can’t keep it.

If I didn’t think I looked like an utter jackass I’d leave the mustache part.. Although it would be more trouble to trim.

Oh well, back to picking apart AT&T UNIX Version 6.

Well, so far in search of a junior admin job…

The only one I think I could get, is one I saw listed in NYC. Basically the only one with a ‘Green horns need not apply’ strapped on for all intents and purposes.

Tried putting in an application at IBM, doubt it went well. Was in to much hurry to get it done before heading to work to do it *well* structure wise.

Hit Google Jobs… dang I think I’d love to work there. I really prefer BSD but hey, Linux is cool with me!

Think I might also see if Bellsouth has a way to put in an application online.

Its probably hopeless but at least I can try. Heck if I could sort transportation and make the Months bills. I’d practically sleep in the server room lol. Personally I doubt any of them would hire me for more then pushing a broom around. I wish I could afford to get certification on Linux, maybe take a nice course on Perl. Then maybe I could get my foot in the door, without loosing the leg too.

I think with some time to brush up on the Linux specifics I could probably handle LPIC1 with a little study. I’m basically a BSD man. And what I don’t know off the top of the head about the system, is in the systems manual. One thing I love about *BSD, good manuals hehe.

No clue what I could do for transportation yet. Ma hates driving 10mi’ish for one of our jobs. Let along 30-50Mi to Atlanta. Suppose I sorta screwed my self by not driving people crazy trying to get a License when I turned of age… The fact that the car has no A/C is besides the point… Probably would have to do the same thing Mr Wayne does to get to work.

One thing that sucks, nothing really involving computers is any where near me. Every things basically in Atlanta or around it. Work also looks easier to find out towards California or Texas.

*sigh*, I’m probably going to end up bagging groceries at Krogers. Then I’ll have my Brother/Sister (more so brother I bet) bugging me that its Krogers and not Publix (where they work). Any one with a back and an arm that bends could do that. Theres nothing to learn… And I know damn well that it’d become life.

If I end up working there, even if any decent computer job comes up. I’ll have to deal with ‘Can I make as much as I am now’, ‘Will it cost me more to switch then stay’, If I did get to leave for a computer job. And it was a pay cut, I’d never live it down. Any money I make would be going for the bills. So saving for certification would be out of the Q. I’d have less time to learn, so my studies in Programming, Computer Science, and Administration would suffer even more then current business demands.

I don’t want to be working at the grocery store 40 years later, even if I made store manager at the bloody thing !

Some how I think the [SAS] was both a blessing and a curse. I love what I learned and passing on what I learned to new members but. Like with my Computer studies. I’ve educated my self – because no one is gonna fscking teach me. And I sure as heck can’t pay some one to do it lol. I guess that’s just life.

*sigh*, if I was smart… I’d probably grab a physics book and go back to manual labor…. Leaning about High Energy Physics would probably beat some of the crap HS calls home work.

To do list for the week:

Back up the server
Finish admin menu for Recruit Checklist module, upload for test site.
Swap over currently updated module to Main Site after final tests.
Tinker with my programming tasks.

Oh yeah, need to look at a PDP-11 Emulator and find some way of doing it… I’d like to get Unix Version 6 running in it. So I can screw around with the code. What good is source code and documentation. If you don’t get to play 😉

I figure, probably won’t be good at it but its a good way to learn more about OS Design. And without breaking any of _my_ systems. Stuff like Kernels and Device drivers have always interested me. And the good part, doc’s on how the frig a PDP-11 works is a lot easier to come buy then finding technical info on all the related parts in my Desktop lol.