Pissin’ thunder!

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Today we’ve barely had any rain down here, just thunder; yet every darn time we get plenty of either in just the right spots, it’s virtually impossible to keep a steady internet connection!

I managed to survive work, just one more day and I’m free for a couple days… free to be stuck at home anyway, lol. I got home maybe around 1900Z, but I honestly have no idea where the day has gone +S. The most i can remember is making the web’rounds, discussing software over GTalk, and letting a friend dig me into reading X86 Assembly code for a few hours!

Right now, I’m just to freaking tired to get anything done, but to wide awake to just pass out and sleep. So far it seems to be fairly consistent, that once I logoff and lay down, that my brain goes bonkers :-(. On the upside, my dreams have been taking a much more positive light lately, then they have been for the past month or two.

What I really need is an exceptionally long vacation, just get away from it all…. where the most pressing worry, is where to have dinner! Ugh, but that ain’t likely to happen in my life time :'(

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I made it off to work with a bleeding toe again, not as bad as yesterday though, I really miss having 10 healthy toes… but at least nothing landed on my foot today, for a change. Getting through today was an exercise in exhaustion, my stomach wasn’t very happy. I blame it on having 4 helpings of food last night but nothing to eat this morning :/. After getting home, I had a quick cookie to tide it over until dinner time.

Nearly twisted my left hand and fingers off getting the car loaded, had a bad slam into the car frame. I was able to send my arm into the motion to minimize the strain on the joints, but two of my fingers are still sore from it. They’re not going to get any rest either, because while much of the illiterate-majority of computer users are largely mouse bound, I’ll hang someone by their rats tail if I can’t go keyboarding! I type with ten fingers at mental speed, so if I couldn’t type, it would be like a normal person losing their voice lol. The trobbs are starting to subside somewhat, hopefully it won’t be swollen by work tomorrow. Maybe I’ll grab some server time tonight as a stress test.

Last night I took about an hours break from existing projects, to work on a rough prototype for part of an “SAS Realism” skin that I’m interested in making for SWAT 4. There are two different directions I can see it going in, so I started work on a mock up of one. In working on Cara’s armour vest, I had to do a little removal operation on the textures in order to get the text just right; doing that is pretty trivial but left it rather unsightly. In order to make it look good, I had to learn something new, which created a very nice looking end result for the vest textures. To solve the problem, I just looked at it like a sketch and tried to adapt what I would have done to paper, to the laptop in front of me. I chose to take an hours break and work on the mockup so I could refine the technique a bit more, might come in very handy with the next phase in doing Caras skins.

When I was at work, I was thinking a bit more about starting to draw again. The more I learn about the computer side of things, the more it looks like the same concepts are used with a different set of tools. At every opportunity to prove other wise, my mother constantly manages to prove that I can say *nothing* around her without paying a price for anything she finds disagreeable 8=). So, I’m probably not going to return to using paper anytime soon; especially when computers are better creators of privacy around here. Doing graphics on computers has never been my strong point, but it consistently gets easier the more I have to work on images. Someday maybe I’ll be able to do whatever I want through software like GIMP and Photoshop; and it is always nice to have something time consuming to work on, it can be very good therapy. I think I’m going to give it a go in the near future.

With my brain in a deeper level of thought from all of that, I also came up with some ideas needed for moving a program I would like to write into implementation phase. I’m always happier when I’m working on some code then when I’m not. The down side of course, is it usually means much less sleep! Since it was working on her custom skins that started this logic chain, I’ll probably have to thank or curse at Cara later on lol.

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Only had like 2 or 3 hours sleep last night at the most, and should we say, mornings here just reinforce, feeling like nothing but an asset in the equation :-(.

Been experimenting some in GIMP on a few things related to SWAT 4 skins; also to my joy, the DDS plugin compiles and builds fine on FreeBSD. I kind of like working on images in GIMP, doing something decent can really be time consuming, and since I’m rather inexperienced at putting such software through it’s paces, it incorporates a measure of exploration as well. Because the display on my desktop, basically makes anything involving blacks impossible to work with, I’ve been using my laptop more and more for image stuffs. Really, I prefer the touch pad; for everything I’ve thrown at it, except for gaming. (My laptop isn’t capable of running many FPS games.).

There is a lot of stuff I wish I could learn about software like GIMP and Photoshop, but all in all, I just can’t see myself doing that much work. There are just some things that I can see most effectively done in software, and other things that I just can’t quiet put into words… but could likely take a wild crack at with the right (artists) tools.

When I was younger, I used to spend a lot of time drawing, I loved to sketch and to doodle. It’s been more then just many moons, since I last drew anything by hand. Heck, the last time I even held a pen in hand, was probably at the doctors office… lol. Really, I’m not sure exactly why or when I stopped drawing, but it was probably between 2002-2003 or so.

Technically, I’m not to old to start again, and with the right level of applied effort, I could learn much more then I did. But, I think such would be more trouble then it’s worth, and worse, likely break down further what privacy I have offline. My mother studied as a cartoonist, so obviously she would likely want to butt her noise into things; and shall we say, things that I do to relax, I generally do not wish to be “Disturbed” over. That being said, the best things I ever drew while growing up, were probably drawn in the dark, by nothing more then TV light! Digging out more then a No.2 pencil would also be pushing the limits at my stealth skills considerably, and I’m very good at most things clandestine…

All of my life, I have looked for forms of expression…Things that let me put what I’m feeling into motion, let it take some shape and be free. Although arguably such things could be considered a form of communication, I’ve never cared to much about using it as such, so much as for its own sake. Personally, I consider myself somewhat self-centered—which is an attribute I utterly hate. But, for me it has mostly been a way of ‘surviving’ without being erased by the world around me. You could say that in my world and in my family, it is very easy to become trampled over here.

Sigh, sometimes I really don’t like my life.

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It’s just a few more days left to go…. Tues, Weds, Thurs, Fri; then I have 3 days off work. THe miserable thing, I haven’t a damn thing to do, that doesn’t come from popping from the todo list!

Right now it’s just as if everything is passing, but nothing is moving. Damn it, this is unnerving. I feel like I could be awake for another couple hours… probably will be tossing and turning for at least an hour. I wonder tentatively if I’ll ever find peace. Whenever I lay down to sleep, there’s nothing to occupy my mind as it drifts to sleep; as such it gains an unhindered measure of exploration. The thoughts never end, never. Ironically during the day, if I have nothing to occupy my mind with, I end up getting drowsy: at night I end up wide fsckin’ awake!!!

Peace ceased to be apart of my life a very long time ago. That which remains, is black and empty, maybe it will always be so.

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This lack of sleep is driving me crazy… is it really to much to ask for, a simple bit of peace? Why is it so hard to come by such a trifle, it’s just sleep. Going nuts.

So far I’ve managed to write a quick script, that should take care of updating my laptop tomorrow afternoon; took to long getting the files downloaded to worry about running them tonight lol. That however, just passes the time, it doesn’t fill it. To easy, there’s no challenge in it and not very much distraction either :'(. At least, it’ll save me the trouble of another week-long update cycle, if I keep pace with things (like normal).

Tried reading some of the Count of Monte Cristo, but not even that calms my mind. Sometimes the past can be a path riddled with glass, if you have a long memory; and I have a very long memory. Sigh, 0430 local has passed… time to be heading to bed, if I’m ever going to get up on time tomorrow.

I’m so tired of all this shit,what does rest even feel like? Does it even have a sensation to it? I haven’t known it in such a long time. As darkness comes, the light retreats; as sun rises, so does the flames.

Fresnal Melee, SAS style

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It was the last round planned for most of us, and I got elected as Element Leader… so I called for something totally insane!

I ordered everyone to sling their weapons and skip the tac aids – none would be used. We then inserted into Fresnal station and made it half way through one of the largest maps before taking any causalities. Cara died by enemy shotgun shell, after weaving into my line-of-melee, then COT died by the same suspects 12g, when the guy fired while being beaten to death by two SWAT officers lol.

Walker and I then moved on and continued to clear the map…. the suspects never knew what hit them. I made it until being killed in a lag spike, sigh. In RvS at least when you lag out, you’re hard to kill, in SWAT you just become bullet-bait.

If it wasn’t for Walker firing one LTL Bean Bag round into a suspect about to flee the map, we would’ve completed the entire map with NO weapons or tactical aids what so ever. And if it wasn’t for extenuating sircumstances, no one on our team would have died most likely!

Perhaps we are crazy as lunes, or just enjoy a challenge. With no weapons, one has to move fast, and SWAT 4 doesn’t lend itself to unarmed combat as readily as real life does; slow punching but 2m distance is not a good trade off. The real key to it, is mastering the angles involved in the confortation—and beating the enemy senseless. It’s even possible to take 2-3 suspects at once given the right stuff. Until Cara stopped exploiting the angles, it was an interesting 5-vs-1 pistols to fists fight for a moment on the next map lol.

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*sigh* it’s around 0400 local, I’ve been to tired to do much of anything tonight yet to awake to sleep. I’m still essentially wide awake, just exhausted. Tomorrows and early morning, only it really is today, in more ways then just the clock across the room.

I just wish that I could get some decent sleep for a change…. it would sure beat concluding the work week in zombie-fashion. My next day off is Saturday, hopefully there won’t be any interrupts. Lol, even the dog is stairing at me, as if to say wtf are you still doing awake!

Without a doubt, I seriously need some serious R&R

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There was nothing on TV, that I haven’t seen a gazillion-times, so I ended up catching the last hour and a half of Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet while waiting for AVPR to come on. While Romeo and Juliet is one of my favourite articles of Shakespeare, I’ve avoided watching R+J for years: the attempt at mixing a modern setting with the classic dialog, just makes me scratch my head and wonder what on earth they were thinking lol.

While much of the setting (but not the poetry) is fairly easy to translate to the 1990s, not everything quiet an fit so well; not to mention being condensed!

I feel that Lord Capulet’s commandment for Juliet to marry Paris, would simply be lost on a modern audience; at least in the States. Not only is arranged marriage simply not done, Capulet’s order would nether hold in court of law nor communal practice here; in a modern setting, it would also have effectively solved all but the family feud!

CAPULET 

Hang thee, young baggage! disobedient wretch!

I tell thee what: get thee to church o’ Thursday,

Or never after look me in the face:

Speak not, reply not, do not answer me;

My fingers itch. Wife, we scarce thought us blest

That God had lent us but this only child;

But now I see this one is one too much,

And that we have a curse in having her:

Out on her, hilding!

— Act III, Scene V of the play; as rendered in my archived copy.

Friar Laurences use of a postal service was a nice touch, but the ending was somewhat “Lacking”, perhaps I’m just spoiled? The only good thing I can say, is they were so kind as to censor Juliets death—should we say that an ACP round to the temple is likely to be a lot messier then a dagger! I really don’t care uch for the film, just not my cup of tea. Since the goal was to pass time until Aliens versus Predator Requiem came on (which is closer to my style), I suppose that was a success :/. Alternatives would have been Tremors or the Last Action Hero; all of which I have seen much of over the past couple years.

I still remember the first time I read Shakespeare’s play, a good friend had recommended it as a potential source for inspiration. While it yielded none, it was however a good read; Romeo & Juliet and Hamlet are two of my favourites. I have however, never cared for any of the film renditions of Hamlet. And quite purposefully, I’m not familiar with any of the formal adoptions of R&J to the big screen.

BENVOLIO 

Why, Romeo, art thou mad?

ROMEO 

Not mad, but bound more than a mad-man is;

Shut up in prison, kept without my food,

Whipp’d and tormented and–God-den, good fellow.

— Act I, Scene II

Chuckle of the day, 2009-09-13

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Lucas entered into a wager with long-time friend Steven Spielberg during the production of Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Lucas was sure Close Encounters would outperform the yet-to-be-released Star Wars at the box office and bet 2.5% of the proceeds of each film against each other. Lucas lost the bet and to this day Spielberg is still receiving proceeds from the first of the Star Wars movies.

— source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars_Episode_IV:_A_New_Hope

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Nearly time to sleep, irregardless… sigh. Really, I think I’ve only had one decent nights sleep in the past 3 weeks or os, it sucks!!!

I’m just so tired of all of this crap +S.