Stricken

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Hmm, haven’t heard this song in awhile, but somehow I find it oddly appropriate of late…

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won’t even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don’t want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can’t let you go
When the heart is cold, there’s no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you’ve done
Into the abyss will I run

You don’t know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I’ll heal inside
I can’t go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You’ll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can’t let you go
When the heart is cold, there’s no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you’ve done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won’t even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don’t want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can’t let you go
When the heart is cold, there’s no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you’ve done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run
I can’t let you go
Yes I am stricken and can’t let you go

— Stricken, Disturbed

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I’ve been prepping my destop for a reformat, including taking backups and prepairing software for reinstallation.

After presenting the choice of, A/ either I finish this or B/ I’m not going to work tomorrow until _after_ it is done; has finally cut the “!@#$%ing go to bed” shoutings to a more subdued amount. I can’t stand being told when to go to bed, not by someone that does not know my body the way I do, and has such disregard for the amount of shit I need to get done, plus:

If you’re going to help make my life hell, I’m not gonna be obligated to listen too a damn thing you say.

I’ve got almost 5gb of files; mostly installers, on the way to my file server. Basically everything from Abiword to zip.exe is laid out and ready for installation. So with luck, I can reformat the piece of shit… Setup a quick dual boot, mount the backups and copy them over to a FAT32 partition; install my drivers, install SP3, install my software, and setup the system. I’ve also taken the liberty of making a few change: more development tools and TeX Live 2007 for the type setting environment. I usually try to avoid compiling anything from source under Windows, like the plague. In my opinion, it really is that much of a pain in the ass… I do however like the toolchains around for my own use.

Under unix based systems, I don’t mind compiling from source as long as I’m given something *decent* to work with. Like something that actually builds on a standard system without mucking with it, rather then a piece of crap that is only easy to build on the developers Foo Linux machine lol.

I need to fetch my XP disks, mouse driver disk, and wifi driver disk. But all in all, it shouldn’t be to bad to carry this out. Just that it will probably take 6-8 hours and over a dozen reboots…. Oh man, how I love FreeBSD — a reboot typically means a new kernel to boot from. Much less then that, and I’ve never had to reboot my systems (with the exception of one sound driver that needs to be in loader.conf)

Tomorrow is likely to be another day of … Hmm, I can’t actually think of a word for it, that doesn’t stretch into multi-word profanities. But at least I *should* get off work at a decent hour. Today, I ended up leaving around ~1600Q or so. I can’t stand my life, but there isn’t a lot I can do to change it.

Since I’m not about to keel over and die, and resulting to quite drastic measures is further then I’m willing to go.

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I’d love to murderlize them….. Rend’em limb from limb as they do my mind. Or in the immortal words of the Robot, ‘Crush, Kill, Destroy!’ But I can’t bring my self to it… I know it’s wrong…

*joke* Now if only I could find a hit man to do it for me. *joke*

Sometimes, I really wish I could let myself be cruel…. And threat people as they deserve without pity or remorse, destroy them bit by bit and let them rest in a hell of there own making.

My only relief from this hell hole, will be getting dragged out to work, and pushed into another hell on earth, until returning to this one.

Nights writings…

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It’s become so painfully clear that I’m not going to get anything done today. In more ways then one, let us say…. I have managed however to end up on my laptop, on battery power, and in one hell of an uncomfortable typing position! Like normal, when I’m on battery power;I operate in text mode.

I don’t care much for it’s forms handling on this scale in Lynx, but I quite like that LiveJournal really is Lynx friendly!

I’ve been writing in Vim as usual, my ~/Documents/Personal/ folder grows day by day, the only semblence of order being YYYY-MM-DD.txt appended to file names. Often when I’m miserable or have very strong feelings, I’ll sit and write if I can (unobserved). It is more relaxing then sitting quietly and letting my mind rage about in silence. In away, I blame it on my time in Bible Study. When I was ‘free’ enough of schedule to attend it, I did quite enjoy being apart of one of the local groups. During most of the 2~3 years I was around, the focus often rested on a King of Israel with the ability for expression. I remember we covered much of the time of David.

I really miss that, but my life just doesn’t have the free time for it. It as always a bit of a hassle to complete each cycle, and at times pushed my abilities to refrain from nervisness; it was also a lot of fun. Hmmm, maybe someday I’ll live to see it again.

As to my own writings, while it is far from being so wonderfuly composed. It does however, express what _I_ feel more clearly then anything else. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t bother adding another file to my home directory. In a lot of ways, I find English a poor language for such a purpose. English is well suited for precision of description in my opinion, but sorely lacking in many other regards…. Mmm, not really looking forward to tomorrow, anyway you slice it, it’s rather likely to be a day I would rather forget about. At least *hopefully* I’ll have the weekend free; my mind wonders so much as I sit here, brain a drift with only my nimble fingers as its output. Hmm, why does everything seem to be I/O bound, even in the 21st century >_>

Training Afterdark

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A tad annoyed, been doing some of my private training in RvS. My times are almost a minute longer then my best, while that’s still quite quick (I set the time marker for 5min; and completed it in less then 3:45) it’s still very slow… I’ve always chose that map because of the extreme CQB. Did a couple good runs and even got time to bring out a variety of weapons: MP5/10A2, MP5A4, TMP, P90, Mac 9/11, and the MTAR-21. But I’m still very far from satisfied with my performance. I fear, that I am starting to get old :

Two things that really pissed me off, the P90 and my faithful P228 pistol. It’s like, you fire off a burst into an area the size of a mouth, the target is chest sized, so close that if it was real life, you could almost extend your arms and bayonet the S.O.B. But in RvS, it’s still possible to fire in bursts, watching the count of rounds fired increase: 2..4..7.. and guess what? Magically all of the bullets strike the wall behind the X-Ray, but none actually hit them… Leaving you with 44 rounds in a P90 and a dead body, that is not the enemy!!!

It’s total bullshit. Although, I must admit in RvS, the game has always given me a feeling that the rear sights are on target, while the front sights are aimed at your toes instead… Tonight was an unbelievably bad display on RvS’s part, I’ve never considered the games P90 to be deead on balls accurate but this was just a joke. I’ve picked off head-shots at range with the games Mac 9/11, and the P90 is dozens of times more accurate in that game.

The second thing to piss me off, is I shot an X-Ray square in the chest with a P228, 9x19mm Jacket Hollow Point round… Round penetrated and exploded the barrel behind him. While the JHP are still capable of penetrating tangos. I can’t help but wonder, why a 9x19mm JHP round from a P228 will do the trick, when a FMJ 9x19mm round from my MP5A4 wouldn’t.

What irks me even more so, for “training games” we used to round people up, go find explosive barrels, and take turns shooting them. Walk up to the barrel, fire a round (or two), and run off before the next Rct tries it. Often we use the 5.7mm AP Army (FN Five-Seven) because RvS gives it less stopping power then some SPITBALL from Romania! We’ve also tested with 5.56x45mm weapons and various 9x19mm pistols using full metal jacket rounds.

The concept that a P228 firing 9x19mm JHP can be more dentimental to a (thick skinned!) explosive barrels contents then the G36K’s 5.56x45mm round, just begs for a physicist to explain these ballistics >_>

Geeze, why can’t they ever make a *decent* tactical game that is realistic?

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HOme from work at least and some good news, I only have to work 2 jobs tomorrow instead of 3… One of our clients had her baby today, so there is more important stuff to worry about ;-). Both mother and child doing well as to everyones prayers.

For me this is doubly good news…. If work was a river, I would be drowning in it, and my family would be pushing my head under.

I didn’t really mind having 3 jobs planned for tomorrow, I usually only have to deal with one. What does piss me off, is when I got into this business… It was to help pay for my high school and save some cash for later. Fast forward several years, I could be almost out of college by now instead of still in HS, and she ain’t saved a cotton pickin’ dime along the way. And the only way I’ll likely ever get out of this business, is my life turned up side down, in ways I don’t want lol.

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Managed to catch the last half of Crimson Tide. I haven’t seen the movie in ages, was nice to actually get to see something though… Once everyone else is asleep, it’s actually possible to get stuff done, so I rarely watch TV lol.

One thing I do know, I can’t stand the idea of serving on a submarine. At least if a service ship goes down, you might have get off the ship in one piece, deal with the undertow trying to suck you under, and not freeze to death before CSAR arrives… But at least you’ve got some chance. ON a sub, if something happens hundreds of feet below, ya a tad bit fucked.

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Finally…. I managed to get shaved, not like there is much else I can get done. One nice thing, there are two or three things I can do under almost any condition, as long as I can keep my eyes on what I’m doing that is. With luck, maybe my family will settle down for awhile, so I can actually get something DONE.

I almost never shave, because I just don’t have the damn time. In this case, it’s been so long since I last found the time to shave. That I was starting to resemble King Leonidas in 300, only much shorter and less muscle bound lol. Willow was staring at me as if to say, “wtf happened to you?”. Heck, I barely recognize myself now… It’s been that long lol. I don’t usually look like a short-haired ookie out of desire, but out of necessity. There is only so much shit that you can cram into a small stretch of time and still be ready to rumble in the morning.

Especially in this place !!!!

Nearly an hour later with razor, scissors, and electric razor, it’s finally done. People always try to pawn off electric razors on me but I’d rather use something that works after the first week. With how long it is before the problem of ‘need to’ and ‘have time to’ coincide, an old time straight razor would actually be most convenient

Hit the DVD Collection for something to watch, I’ll probably end up watching them each 3 times before Monday…. Because I’d actually like to see the ‘entire’ movie when I start watching one. To be honest, the reason I largely gave up on watching TV. Is because whenever something decent was on, I never got to watch the frigging thing!!! —> Gotta love family, especially family that thinks you’re a servant.

Frustration factor := (3.14159265 ^ 2)*(1024^64)

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Since it seems to be to much to ask, too be able to work on things in peace in this hell hole. I’ve closed my terminal for the time being.

What the hell do I have to do, in order to get work done? Buy a rat fucking shotgun and take hostages?! No wait, that wouldn’t work, my family doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else. I sat through a five and a half hour project meeting… and despite the insane length of the meeting. I should have had the first milestone completed the day after the meeting, instead fast forward almost two weeks…. The first phase of the damn thing isn’t even complete yet.

If I actually had decent conditions to work in, things would be COMPLETE by now. But no, my family can’t leave be alone to work in peace.

I think if I as about five years old again, I would wait for my family to be doing something…. Go take out a large pot from the kitchenand a pair of equally large wooden spoons. Then take a belt and make a sling for the pot (for ease of marching). And then walk back and forth across the room, banging the spoons on the pot while shouting

“Now whose working, now whose working”.

As absolutely childish as doing that would be, I think that is about the only thing my family would understand…. Without having to take very drastic measures to get the point across… (e.g. using pepper spray, a TASER, or even deadly force e.t.c.),

I fear, one day I’ll look back upon my memories of this place and cry, “Just another picture to burn”.