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Every time I manage to close my eyes and sleep, I’m haunted in my dreams. I hardly want to sleep any more. Today I woke up around a quarter after seven, falling asleep hours later didn’t help, it just returned the train of thought to whence it came.

Discounting a few spells of intense concentration, I’ve mostly been like a headless chicken when I’m awake. Things are happening around me but most of it is only passively absorbed, not actively. Whenever I come towards snapping out of it, you can bank on it that I’ll be tapped to do something and the cycle will repeat.

Around here I’m still nothing but a slave, having to “Jump” every short interval and all the other/related issues of being an overworked and always bitched at servant to indifferent family, is contributing greatly to my mounting exhaustion… my family as always is helping to tear me apart. I learned years ago they are good for nothing else.

Don’t even feel like eating today, it’s already well past lunch. I feel terrible. The last time I’ve eve been this bad, would have been the early 2000s, and my old wings would likely remember that very shitty period for one thing or another. Never rain, never peace, only misery and storms to be found; my spirit can’t find any rest. Anything that comes through, I seem to either feel it very intensely or just bland, unresponsive. The face in the mirror isn’t reassuring either.

I very sorely need a life change, a vacation from everything. There’s absolutely nothing to do here that doesn’t involve vegetating in front of a computer, or some similar implementation. I would rather soak for hours in a hot tub and drain a bottle of Tequila before drifting off to something else. Life’s present situation ensures that no concept of a relaxing holiday will ever be realized, for quite a number of years to come, if even that. The closest I can get to a vacation, is vegetating away a day off work.

I’m getting closer to the 2,000 yard stare then anyone has a right to, in my position :-/. By 2,000 yard stare, I mean mentally, as well as my visage. The cracks are showing, but I never did learn how to shatter into a million pieces. Not sure if that’s good or bad, but it’s not a choice.

Some how it figures that once I get moving on a roll, it’s time to pass out and catch some z’s :-/.

Wouldn’t it be cool if one could work without crashing sooner or later due to the lack of sleep…

Well things seem to have wrapped up to a fairly good night, except I’m not sleepy lol. I seem to be getting better at Clan Arena  Quake is rather addictingly fun, and if the resolution on character models was increased, would perhaps come closer to the current commercial grade of graphics, rather then just good. Also got to join Weasel for a few rounds in RvS before calling it a night.

The real problem is I’m not sleeply :'(.

The current site style was selected because it’s fairly simple and provides a good bit of space in its layout, even if it is rather plane.

Irregardless of the finer details, the ability to coop with content breaking out of their boxes is somewhat of a necessity. I often post snippets of code, command output, or even action logs here, from whenever I’m working on my own crap. Although my terminal runs 80 columns wide, there is no such garruentee when I reach for the pre tags. Because of how Blogger handles titling untitled posts, much the same applies to the archive barlet.

I don’t have any problem with web design, although I prefer working on server side code rather then doing the visuals, should we say, I find it a more rewarding experience for the amount of effort I put behind coding.

that when I finally find something therapeutically healing to do, my family has to stab until my hearts no longer in doing anything.

Some times I think, rule #0 of surviving life, is to remember that there is no one who cares.

For the past couple days, my teeth have been on the blink again, lol. I just spent most of the day with an excruciating pain between my jaw, ear, and forehead, of which being stabbed in the face with a knife would hurt less. I could take the amount of toothache pain itself for a week without flinching, but it’s the extra pains it causes that get to me. Having the pain at the base of my ear, makes it so even the the sound of the radio hurt, which rules out playing most games. My forehead aching like a headache from the seventh level of DooM, just makes it a pain to concentrate on rocket science lol.

I started the antibiotics on a schedule, so I won’t need to worry about taking it during working hours, and spent about an hour / hour and a half putting heat on it, to try and sooth the pain and make sure the fuck doesn’t swell up on me again. We also picked up a thing of naproxen, benzocaine, and pizza fixings; my interest is in the last two. Yes, my stomach is never far from mind o/. The benzocaine one, is basically a mild anesthetic for dealing with dental pain, a friend recommended  clove oil for the same purpose, but the supermarket didn’t have it.

Hopefully the antibiotics can keep this from getting nasty and the benzocaine product should help deal with when the pain gets nasty. FWIW the naproxen is probably better then paracetamol/aceteminophen that I’ve been making do with. I also have a small bit of Hydrocodone/Aceteminophen that the dentist proscribed for pain, but really it’s roughly equal to Tylenol lol.

When I take something, you know I’m hurtin’, because I’m more apt to slam my head into a wall first.

Note, this is meant to be taken more tongue-in-cheek then seriously, take offense at your own expense 8=).

• All the fun C library extensions can be blamed on UNIX, less intelligent systems still don’t implement them ^_^.
• Most of the stupid type systems out there are reminiscent of the Win16 API, watch out for the Hungarians in the group.
• Too much programming for Windows can lead to strange tattoos, that’ll get you sued unless you’re a pioneer.
• There’s enough C++ Hungarian in the gaming industry, to make you want to go parler français with the ladies instead.
  
• If you want to sit in your own little world, stick to mobiles or Macs; or ask the Free Software Foundation for this weeks KoolAid.
• It’s alright if you need a road map to find your way through all that DDE/OLE/COM/ActiveX/DCOM mess and their variants, so does Microsoft: that’s why they invented .NET for your InterCOM.
• Watch out for the babes in the null pointer cafe.
• sizeof(foo) ≠ sizeof(foo*); unless thou hast vilolated the tenth commandment.

I spent yesterday experimenting with DevIL, I rather think that it will be more “To my taste” then using SDL_image for getting easy access to various image files. I only expect to use certain image formats in my games kit, but ahem, if that ever changes, who wants to write per-image-type handling code anew? Hehe. In playing with that, I’ve uncovered a bug in my zipped package handling, and have coded myself into a corner, where in the system would best serve me, by growing a more abstract file handling API—exactly the direction I wanted to go in, hahahaha! TBH, I’ve only ever coded myself into two corners in my life, but this ones a happy case.

Most of the night was used in experimenting with a pair of Integrated Development Environments, CodeLite and Code::Blocks, as possible replacements for existing build.{sh,bat} scripts. There is also a Visual C++ solution and project tree that I whipped up Thursday to replace build.bat, and am still cursing at over its dislike for by build tree o/.  In terms of IDEs, Microsoft has the best, but like visually everything at MS, it’s also as vendor specific as writing machine code in octal 8=).

Really, I can care less about having compiler, editor, debuger, … all integrated—other wise I’d use GNU emacs, screen, toolchain, and their dialect of C, and spit on everyone else’s graves >_>. The thing that interests me is having a suitable build system, one that can handle multiple compilers/configurations and multiple OSes readly, because `tmk` is a project on my back burner, and won’t be completed anything in the short term. Code::Blocks like modern MSVC/VC++, the file format is XML driven and quite easy to modify in a standard text editor.

Installing various libraries on Windows has shown me – most developers don’t know how to create a build system. At least, most open source developers can’t seem to combine computer science 1.0.1 with Visual Studio projects.

Installing various programs on Unix systems, has shown me – many developers don’t understand autotools or it’s just to complex a build system (I vote for both).

Me, I say fuck y’all. Do it right or don’t let it leave your workplace.

I’m rather glad to be heading back to work, and happy to see the 12th go. January is generally regarded as an off month in my family… January 12th, 1989 is the day my father died, as well as my parents wedding anniversary—what a peachy combination!

While I try to respect my families history, it’s also a matter I try not to dwell on for very long. *sighs*.

Finally finished with a nutty schedule, this week is a bit more free, although I’m still working on the weekends. Things have been erratic lately, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Honestly, I like it when things are shaken up a bit, although routine does help with planning events around working hours!

My dreams have been a rather nasty torrent lately, mixing interesting possibilities with programming, and more moribund territory. On the first, I’ll skip journaling, to the second, it’s mostly revolving around C and OpenGL, I’m even dreaming of coding these days o/, and as to the third, somethings are too grisly to be worth recollection.

I’ve managed to get everything done today, and still find about an hour or so to take a much needed ‘break’, haven’t had one of those in a coon’s age. For now, I’ll probably take in a quick game of Quake or some Raven Shield. Later tonight, I need to mull over some more of the OpenGL issues and such. Oy, scratch that, dinners on the roll. It seems, one thing that never does end, is my ability to think 8=).

All in all, I’m looking foreward to Monday—I’m off work :-D.