In cleaning out a hard drive, I stumbled across a personal DokuWiki I was running. It has various stuff in it, ranging from stuff such as a guide to making Live Operations and tryout info. For momento’s sake I guess, since [SAS] was such a big part of my life, I’ve adapted the Service History part of my own wiki entry.

It can be found here.

Servants Creed

Some how I can’t help but remember what I told a friend and [SAS] member on my way out of [SAS].

“Lived in shadow, died in shadow”

Such is the nature of someone who follows orders and serves without seeking their own political benefit.

Resigning My Warrant: Spidey01’s original

Before dinner, this post was made by me in Clan Topics at approximately 00:29 UTC on

 On March 24th an important issue arose between [SAS]_Maj_WIZ and myself, in regard to his apparent countermanding of established [SAS] SOP and long standing orders of [SAS]_Capt_En4cer. In dealing with both [SAS]_Maj_WIZ and [SAS]_CO_Random, to properly clarify and document the final outcome of this for it’s obvious *immeidate* impact on our training affairs, I have generally been screwed in one ear and out the other, or run around one three and six more blocks trying to resolve this.

For over a month I have been patient, whilst my CO has left my hands tied, unable to furfil my duties as a [SAS] Member, and I’ve met everything from the Major short of threatening my dogs life. Well gentlemen, I believe it is time to call this farce over. [b]If I cannot be allowed to furfil my duties, then I shall not hold my rank[/b].

It is with that in mind, that I hear by resign my Warrant.

I have served this team almost self sacrificially since the very moment that I landed foot on these hollow grounds… only to suffer countless incidences of the same over my years. Random, WIZ, En4cer, Rouge, Valroe, Sniper, Timbo, and Medic have all been apart of doing this to me over my many years, when I’m screwed a month straight by the Commanding Officer, I think it is time for a man to draw the line.

[color=yellow]It is my first ever and my parting order, that this post is not to be edited, nor is this thread to be moved.[/color]

That post was written as a text file on my laptop, and copy/pasted into the forums, just as it has been copy/pasted into this journal entry. What you see in the above quote, is exactly how I wrote it: it is the authoritative copy.

[SAS]_Maj_WIZ has since moved it: but I expect, has not edited it. After dinner, I addressed a private e-mail to [SAS]_CO_Random notifying him accordingly of this action, and putting my effects in order: namely that I expect my forum account returned to me once the locks are changed, and that I explicitly turn over all express legal rights to any code that I’ve contributed to [SAS], to any acting CO of the team past/present/future and for all time. Legally because of the U.S. involvement (on Randoms side), the code in question already belongs to [SAS]’s commanding officer, same as the draft documents Rouge and company submitted before leaving [SAS].

Having been sufficiently been further insulted and verbally threatened by the good Major, I’ve placed him on my IM clients temporary block list. I’ll not waste further breath with him on the issue.

Since this is my turf and not [SAS] private property, I will add a few details to my above post. The issue in question, I will explain it here.

In the public view (as of this time of writing, although I wouldn’t be surprised if [SAS] will remove it from public view, or *finally* edit the damn thing in response to this), on in the tactics section is an Raven Shield V-Comms SOP page that was authored by [SAS]_Capt_En4cer in 2007.

One of it’s entries says this:

V-4-6 =Objective Reached.

This command is issued by any elemental member. This command is most often heard following a ‘Reform On My Position’ command by the EL or once a member has reached their respective Point Of Domination (POD) during a dynamic entry, and lastly if the elemental member has been assigned to locate a specific location critical to mission success. Most often this location will be beyond the visual scope of the EL and this command acknowledges that the element member is alive, in the correct position for the task at hand and is able to engage threats as required. When the element initially forms up on the EL the only member that MUST say this command would be the Rear Guard for all other members this command is optional during initial form up.

This use of calling “Objective Reached” when taking your Point of Domination, is something that [SAS]_Capt_En4cer pushed down the necks of [SAS]_SSM_Spidey01 and [SAS]_SSM_Rasa years ago, and that we in turn pushed it out to the rest of the clan. In SWAT 4, we have used “On it” IAW the GCHQs approval. You can’t pass by our SWAT server without picking that up.

On the night of March 24th, in a private conversation with [SAS]_Maj_WIZ, the major countermanded this [SAS] SOP, and blatantly refused to notify the membership.

Since then, I have pushed very hard that if the MAJOR has just threw out that SOP, then every one must be informed that it has been null-n-voided. Other wise, the Major is wrong and has failed to keep up to date with [SAS] Tactical matters. My private conversations with the Major on the issue have had very brutal moments: as WIZ has admitted and spoken to me about over the years, what he has done to members (in particular the occasional cracker, people now residing in NTF, and ex SAS members not in good standing with SAS or NTF), I do not consider myself bound by [SAS] CoH in our private chats, any more than he has demonstrated his own obedience to it. As the Major only kept himself CoH bound (in that regard) when using [SAS] forum and VoIP systems, I followed the same conduct, having heard nothing from Random about it: not a peep over 6 years.

During my shoving to have the issue resolved, I also noted that if GCHQ would fail to notify the membership of this important (and sudden) change to active SOP, that as WO1, I must either issue an order of my own, notifying the membership, or I must give up my Warrant.

In doing so, I have had my honour and integrity questioned, accused of being an NTF agent (it’s WIZ’s job to do so in both those cases), and in effect, having my physical person threatened with bodily harm. I have also had to tolerate enumerable “Mind games”, which we all know how highly I consider those a disrespect for my intelligence.

[SAS]_CO_Random was contacted and asked to deal with this, as he is the only one with authority above Major. I was made to wait several weeks to receive so much as a word from Random on the issue, who has since done nothing — I have not been informed. Worse then that, it was only after (as friends rather then colleagues) notifying WIZ with a draft post, issuing the aforementioned order and requesting to GCHQ that I be demoted to [SAS]_Trp_Spidey01 — as that is the most value Randoms inaction has allowed me to contribute. Only after sending WIZ that message, did I hear from Random. I have not received further notification of this since then! This effectively made my position as WO1, totally pointless.

Today, I was notified by a LCpl about training still being conducted with “On it”, and noted this to [SAS]_Maj_WIZ in private: who summery brushed it off, after which I noted either the membership still needs notification or the LCpl in question needs a wuppin’ for the foul up. I was still met with the same run around.

Thus, I have resigned my warrant, and so conclude my responsibility as an [SAS] member.

Most of the past and present members in my Clan Topics post, have also had a huge impact (IMHO) in damaging the [SAS] I joined,  among other things: causing damage to the eliteness (WIZ has fought against this), and something I hear NTF members grip about their leadership over! Every action I’ve taken or planned to curb that problem in [SAS] in the years leading up to the recent falling out of several members, has been met with my superiors tying my hands, or delegating it to incompetents. So this was just the biggest insult of them all.

So at this point: I do not feel, that I have left the [SAS] that I joined, I feel that the team I have loved all these years, is being or has been pushed over the edge of existence.

Reflections upon times past

I’ve been sitting here a while, mostly stiring the thoughts around, my brains always been a stew pot. Mostly I’ve been looking back over my times in SAS. I can still see all the people I’ve known, the names are pages long now. My thoughts have gotten me to the point of hysterical tears, but I actually do feel a hell of a lot better… if a bit out of character. That’s the difference between the man and the machine.

The amount of time I’ve putted in, the era I joined up, the distance I place, helps me to look at things and see the truths there. It gives me a way of seeing things no other member I’ve met understands, because either they are to close, or to blind. That’s something that’s always separated me from my peers, past and present.

I came to SAS during a golden era, one hard fought for under Randoms command. Either it was SAS’s second or first golden era, perhaps even third, I’m to young to know that. The first great war I witnessed came during Heims period as commanding officer, it nearly destroyed SAS, and it helped push the “Good ol’days” into the history books, where us old farts and the aging farts still remember them. I saw the first and only Dishonorable Discharge (DD) in SAS history, and almost the entire clan either walk out or die of a broken heart; those who didn’t agree with James getting booted, and those that were so hurt at what the incident cost us. Most of my best friends in SAS drifted off into nothing, to damaged by it to participate as they once did, but caring to much for SAS to harm her by dropping out on the spot. It was a bloody mess, one I spent collecting information and dispersing it to the other members, trying to help them keep the faith. Darkest days I ever did see, even if my for bearers saw much worse.

Out of that train wreck, was the world my generation came of age in. We took to the trenches and worked like everyone else high and low did, SAS quickly recovered, and we pressed forward one foot after the other. I’ve seen the people we help mold come and go, both in good and bad alike, I’ve seen it all. In many ways, I feel that Rasa, Myself, and Rouge, were to young for the job set before us, but it’s boots we and our peers had to fill in order to survive. Through that is where cancer developed, and anyone who saw those days will agree, except those to close to the matter to see the wider scope of what happened. Dave and Rasas training sessions are really what built SWAT 4 from a passing fancy to a serious element of SAS life, and where the sins of our fathers first came into sight.

When I was young, I had the feeling of being groomed to be a Sergeant, watched over if you will.Whether I was or not, it’s with that same nature that I watched over the generations after me. Hexen is and has (sadly) remained, the only one to hit Trp to remind me, of me. The same sort of dedication, that drive to train, and so on, it made him one of the best. Miles was a little sap that grew on me, from someone I merely looked after, to being an incredibly dear friend, a teammate, and someone I consider a brother. When a young punk named Lazkostriker came along, he too became one of the important subjects my generation had a hand in, and one of the best instructors in SAS history, even better then Rasa. We helped shape what those members became, intentionally and unintentionally, and I had felt among them, is where our replacements would come from, but alas, not only did we out live the monsters (in both positive and negative senses of the word) that we helped to create, I have also outlived the others in my generation.

Through the people we helped bring into the SAS, lead to the wars that followed what we saw, and instilled a lingering cancer that was hard to remove. It’s that single thing, that I feel with the greatest remorse, because I was a part of it. Some might hold Rasa (whom I still consider a brother) responsible, but I hold us responsible, our generation. We’re the ones that made the curse or sat idly by when we should have acted. Members that followed, grew up waiting to receive the mark of a beast without even knowing it, even I hadn’t realized it until the line in the sand was years back. The generations that learned from mine, would go on to be some of the hardest working members in SAS history, as well as some of our worst…no ones a saint.

It would take 3 wars to ride us of such things, one batch at a time. I still know people that grew up in that slop of a situation, but survived it without becoming tainted by their surroundings; they are the ones I’ll have to trust, not to make our mistakes over again. Many of the others that came up through that mess were not so lucky, and fell into one trap or another. They are all gone now, along with some good souls, and some who could have been spared if they had come aboard during better days. It’s been my place to see what becomes of members, my honour to see them come full circle, and like wise, my pains and joys to watch what marks they would leave behind for others. That’s why this last and final war has taken so much out of me, because it proves that we were the real failures, not our commanders. If GCHQ has truly failed at anything during all my years of membership, it was in trying to lead stray hearts to water rather then shoot the horses early on. Honestly, I wonder if my generation never happened, would 3 out of 4 of the world wars in SAS have ever happened?

I’m tired of seeing good people brought into an uncertin future, all to often it hurts once the dice has stopped rolling. It’s the life of a phoenix, of death and rebirth from the ashes. Whatever successes my generation achieved, whatever positive influences we’ve made, none of it can outweigh the mistakes we made, and the mistakes we helped influence. That’s the legacy I’ve seen extinguished. I don’t know if it was just our inexperience at being NCOs that help breed what kind of members we became, or if it’s just our true selves coming out bit by bit. But I know this, the generations who will fold the next ones to come, are much better prepared then we were, and that is the comfort I find there.

SAS is now poised to become better then it has been, there’s no more wars to fight, no more dark cloud over head, and I pray, there never will be again. My crystal ball says in a few years, members will come aboard in golden days the way my generation did, GOD willing, they will be a success should they ever be forced into the ground we had to uphold.

Generation means different things to different people, for me, it is groups of people: who entered and spent their times as Recruit and Trooper together along much the same time frames. My generation was Rasa, Myself, and Leon, with Rouge and Mandolore coming into the picture just in time to be apart of it, or one very close to it. Rouge and Mando were mostly trained by those that trained the rest of us, but we were Troopers at the time, so it may be fair to call them the generation after us.. Leon and Mando on the other hand, lacked the activity to have any real positive or negative impact compared to the rest of us old war horses. I have seen a great many generation of recruit come and go.

I hope that GOD will smile upon SASs future, and forever shield the new wave from racking up the things I’ve seen. Sure, I’ve been in the trenches, an integral part of SAS, it’s something I committed to early on. We are always gonna need people who can do that, I just hope they do a better job then we did.

Spidey01, Warrant Officer Class One, Special Air Service 22nd Elite Virtual Regiment; 2005-2010 and beyond.

Exorcising the Demons

The last bomb finally dropped as I new it must, and my friends turned in their resignation. This is the worst day of my life so far, because the only thing I can think of that could be worse, is becoming an orphan. For me this has just been an utterly breaking and strength erasing event, and I’m sure it’s no triviality for my friend either (but this is still my journal lol). Getting through work felt like doing it with a corkscrew twisting though my stomach.

I drifted off to work with more tics, shakes, and rattles then you can point a stick at, I’ve nearly thrown up about four times, and I’ve had to remind myself, “You don’t fucking cry!”, just to hold it together. As is my custom in times like these, what ever pieces were left, I cast myself back into the forge and let them reshape.

There the Spidey01 we all know, nearly died of his pain and grief in this matter. Very close he came to being replaced by a very different creature, one cold and remorseless like a machine: I looked for the first time in my life, at taking a path, where I don’t know whether it threads along the side of light or darkness… willing to become an archangel or a knight of hell itself, a pure devil even, if it should need be,  ready to destroy anyone in the future who would dare rise to damage SAS, to become a monster if it should need be, something that would make Wiz at his best or worse, look like a limp noodle, for the sake of ensuring that never another war grace these shores. Whatever the cost might be in doing it, whether it would mean welding Souledge or Soulcalibur, that it would be done just the same. In short, take any and every action necessary to ensure that things like the past two weeks, would never be needed again.  I pondered over this course that lay ahead, describing it in my mind, in a sort of disturbing and epic form of poetry that can only exist in ones mind, just what I would be committing myself to. In thinking through that new beings description, what its name would become in place of Spidey01, and what my personal emblem would be in such… I found myself staring back at me through that emblem.

The death of Spidey01 and the rise of an avenging monster would have been the legacy, that Rouge, Valroe, Noer, Medic, Scout, and Ambu left behind, the price of their resolvability; it would also have been committing the first petty act of my life. Looking and questioning my reasons for such a choice of path, deeper at it’s heart, I found the thought that, “I never want to feel like this again”, more then SASs interests was to be found. That creature is so different then myself, that it would’ve warranted changing my name to reflect becoming a different person – an incident like something out of the old testament. Part of my soul cried out, “I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive”, and that nothing will ever kill that tiny silver of goodness in me.

So who emerged from those soul searching fires?


 A sharper more refined image then before, but still Spidey01… not the demon that beckoned. Today’s the closest I’ve ever come, to losing who I am. My name on the net, is incredibly personal, and is an identity that reflects me to the core…. it nearly died, really. Yet as surely as I have rejected darkness and evil all my life, I reject that idea…. of being a devil, even for my own reasons. Spidey01 still lives for what ever I’m worth, and I’m here to stay. Light or dark, right or wrong, I’ll not abide by either, I’ll just raise a flaming Spatha in one hand and a great axe in the other, and leave the suit of armour behind. Perhaps such a beast is really what SAS needs to ensure that the next golden age remains one for us as a group, but I am nether machine nor monster, only a man, and I will not yield my humanity. Whether that’s for anything, anyone, or even myself, I’m a man not fucking machine.


One fortunate thing my life in the real world has taught me about times of bleeding out, eventually you will run out of something to bleed with. When having to watch today ceases to hurt, only time will show. In connection to something I once said of myself, being glad that I’m not made of tin, because I would rust: the words of the great Wizard of Oz come to mind…
As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don’t know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

 For better or worse, I have one.

Absolutely moving song

Tonight while waiting for Funny Girl to start on TCM, I overheard a very moving song during the previous movies exit. After all my years, I can’t help but contrast it against the paths that I have crossed, relationships made both in my real life and in the virtual world. It’s rather like listening to a tender memory.

Mmm. Mmm.

Memories, light the corners of my mind

Misty watercolor memories of the way we were.

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind

smiles we give to one another

for the way we were.

Can it be that it was all so simple then

or has time rewritten every line?

If we had the chance to do it all again

tell me would we? Could we?

Memories, may be beautiful and yet

what’s too painful to remember

we simply choose to forget

So it’s the laughter we will remember

whenever we remember

the way we were.

In salute of old friends and comrades alike… cica 1996 – 2010.

Today has been marred both with bad and good news, I reckon the bad, will be the last shell I need watch dropped, but the good, effectively ensures the future. So, I guess ’tis time to cast the reel, and hope to enjoy the coming age.

Darn, youth is so wasted on the young :-P.

Of friendships, promises, and commitments

As if there wasn’t enough stuff to throw off my focus (on non-SAS matters), looming in the shadows is where a friend will drawn their own line in regard to whether they will stand with [SAS] or apart from it. For me, it’s very hard to take, because I knew, before helping bring this person into the group, that in all probability, they would have to face this cross roads in time (in fact, rather then sugar coat that outlook for my friend, I poured a lot of salt on it early on, and left the decision to rest on their own head).

It’s the second time in my own history here with [SAS], that I will have ever have considered throwing in the towel if person XYZ chooses to leave; the first and before this, the only time, was when I spent a period of time trying to keep another very dear and tired friend from losing his faith. Some people have had the same feelings about me, that’s one of the reasons I stand tall and walk hard through the storms. I’ve always enjoyed being with the people around me, because you never know how long GOD has put them there. The thing that hurts me, is knowing that the friend in this particular question, will have to go through that rough decision, and there is nothing that I can do to make it easier for this person. Because if I could remove the issue from ever having to come up in their membership, I would trade an arm to lift that weight. All I can do, is watch, wait, support, and accept, whatever my friend chooses.

As to where my own path lays in this, I know two things. When the storm started, I made a decision very early on: that if I ever lost my place in [SAS] trying to fight it for the sake of my team as a whole, that I would sooner eat dirt and shallow chicken vomit, then serve under (thenow) NTF_LTC_Rouges command, if he started a competing unit; I won’t serve under any man who would break his word the way he did, out of spite. Like wise, my thinking reminds me, at my core… there is just this stubborn, ornery, stiff necked, tough fscking son of a bitch, who just will not lay down and die.. if it feels like walking on glass, I’ll stand on my legs and fight on, because

and for how many times in my life, I’ve had to come to that conclusion in both [SAS] matters and with my own family—I will never go back on my own word, and I gave that the day I committed myself to this TEAMs future. I will not make a liar of myself, no matter what comes of that choice, because being loyal to the vision, was a promise I made to myself, and something I have never wished to break. I’ll not stoop down to someone else’s level, and that is ironed across my soul even more, after calling Rouge on his own integrity issues; and I’ve done that to his face plenty enough times for it to matter. It is a bygone and stone age concept, but my honour will never yield to a lesser path.

Once an [SAS] man, always an [SAS] man, and I am an [SAS] man, overly tried and true to be sure, and they can type it on my tomb stone in bold if they want, because here I stand, come and get me…. WHO DARES, WINS!

Thoughts on recent SAS resignations

The more I look at the facts, the more I am convinced that this was a mutiny in spirit. Out of the first wave of people to resign: it appears to me that there are 3 core factions to it. One group, was overruled against by GCHQ, the other carries Rasa’s infection for placing their own ways above SASs, and then there’s Rouge.

When GCHQs ruling wasn’t to their liking, it seems that a few people decided that they know better then the ones in authority. That same “I’m right, GOD is wrong” attitude has built many a house on sand… I’m glad [SAS]’s was built on titanium reinforced concrete.

A few, are people who have stiff necks and know they will never have the subversion of [SAS] that they desire, a man who once refused to teach SOPs comes to mind. This is what I mean by “Rasa’s infection”.

Some time ago, even I lost all my faith in GCHQ, when it looked like a set of RvS-centric SOPs would be fast tracked through and every word I ever said to hold this clan together would become a lie. Every member of GCHQ proved themselves to me, except for Rouge. He lost that fight, and I’m starting to feel that his involvement is because he lost, and the ideal of [SAS] as one team, two games, won out.

So I suppose, having been given judgement, and deciding that the highest court in the land is not better then their own, a few people decided they can do better.  I really pitty Timbo and Scout, if they organise a clan under Rouges armchair generalship.