Writer’s Block: Phobias

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Do you have a remarkable phobia? Does your phobia have a large impact on your life?
Submitted By bitter_melodee

Live Journals Writer’s Block

Well, I do have a mild fear of heights: not strong enough imho to count as acrophobia but it is still there. My fear of heights usually has little effect on my life, I’m rarely more then a few meters off the deck. I’m very uncomfortable in high places and tend to avoid certain areas if at all possible. Such as houses where the upstairs is heavily separated from walking off the edge by railings instead of walls. The kind where it is wide open and if you wanted to go off the deep end, all you need to do is climb over the nearest edge and break a leg lol. I can’t stand being in such an area, makes me nuts.

Although oddly, the concept of flying does not bother me in the least! Maybe because it implies that one would actually have some control of the situation, rather then purely reliant on merciless gravity :.

I don’t really know why I have a fear of heights but I only have one guess. When I was little, my brother (10 years senior) would sometimes pick me up by the ankles and spin me around the room. Luckly I eventually got to big for him to get me off the ground so easy >_>. And I remember once when a friend of my mothers came to visit along with his wife and a few friends. I don’t remember what I said, maybe I told him to F off or something? I dunno but he picked me up by my feet and dangled me in the air until I apologized for whatever I had done to the poor guy lol.

I was generally a good kid and stayed out of trouble as a child, e.t.c. but some times I could be a brat if I tried lol. I was the peaceful couch potato in training, while my brother was the obsessive defiant hell raiser ^_^. Hmm, It’s kind of amazing how far back one can remember, my memory goes about as far as being 4 years old and encompasses most of the time between now and my very first memory.

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Just got out of Chesters Live Op, I’ve done the map before, as EL in fact lol but I wound up EL on this one anyway.

The Mogadishu mile map is a large but quite dark indoors. The first time I played the map, we had been deployed on a Live Operation that the scenario was to rescue a pair of captured Danish army sergeants. Chesters op was a search and destroy for X-Rays, intel, and weapon caches.

All went well until the second entry, Red team had a strong base of fire from where they covered us. So when Chester and I cleared out of the first building, we formed up on the second, leaving Red team to keep their angles covered. Chester tried the door and alerted a tango, so I ordered a breach.

We blew the dang door open and entered, the X-Ray must’ve fallen back when he heard the commotion. Because on entry, I saw him on my 12, checked my corner (3), and fell into the bastard hard… I figured, hey maybe we can take a prisioner and get intel for the next Live Operation.

X-Ray in the corner pocket (9) tagged me, the X-Ray, and Chester, then fled outside and mowed down Fury before Big12 could gun him down :

Leaving just Big12 to carry on alone until finally being shot in the kisser slicing the pie into a hornets nest :-(. All in all, things went well until that one X-Ray. But the actually went better in the first trip we did a year or two ago. When we did rescue op, we took %50 casualties within the first 5 minutes, one from an ambush and another through the house to house clearing. But in the end, on that Live OP it was me and Lazko, critical on ammo and blood red up’n’down the health gauges but still completed the op. This trip wasn’t so fortunate… but it was still a Live Op lol.

Can’t clear them all I guess.

Finally home for the night.

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Working morning to afternoon done, home for lunch done, working the evening done — even better, done early 🙂

Ahh with luck I might be able to get something to eat and start coding around 2400/0100, emphasis on “with luck”. I think I’ll try to start a little work done on NPMs settings module before chow time, dunno if anything will come of it though. I figure that I can work on the front end elements a bit right now and hopefully fill in the backend parts later tonight.

Hey, at least I’m still breathing !

rant…

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[project classified]
If I have to look at one more undocumented magic number tucked away… I think I am going to hunt down the original programmer(s) and force feed the code down their gullets one byte of code at a time….

I generally don’t pick on other peoples work but sometimes, it just royally pisses me the **** off. If I was the jackinape who wrote this shit, I think I’d burn it rather then run it. Is it to much to ask, that people leave code behind that will not antagonize the putz stuck maintaining it a few years later? Like, /actually/ appear like ya now wtf you were writing? lol.

I could have better spent my time working on my own projects….. And saved the headache of tracking stuff down.
[/project classified]

One thing I actually like about my work on Neo Ports Manager, other then that it is one of my projects which makes me the bastardo in charge of what gets committed. When I write something, I always assume someone will have to read it later… In NPMs case all code eventually hits a publically viewable subversion repository, with my name on the commits I might add! So it’s fairly obvious that I ain’t prone to submitting toxic waste.

Unlike a few people I’ve known…

Same laptop, much nicer box

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Well, I’ve quite enjoyed using the x11-wm/fvwm2-devel port on FreeBSD… But it looks like I’ve finally gone back to an old love…

(click to enlarge)

blackbox chix

Running FreeBSD 7-Stable, Blackbox 0.70.1 with a customized theme, fbpanels for a system tray and pager. GKrellM system monitor and the X-MultiMedia System (xmms) blasting music. I don’t care much for task managers or window lists, so switching between windows is done purely via sloppy focus (focus follows mouse) and alt+tab through bbkeys. The toolbar is disabled and I keep the slit empty, I have no need for them.

Since my laptop boots straight into GDM for the login manager, I’ve set a custom session in it that will execute my ~/init.sh by default. That kicks off all the fun stuff ^_^. The blackbox theme is a tweaked version of a “Corvette” theme for one of the blackbox for windows ports. I made a few changes and stripped out unnecessary crap (like the toolbar). Set my XMMS and GKrellM themes to something more matching. The wall paper was my first ‘experiment’ at making one, hence the lack of quality 😛 But I generally have my wall paper rotated to a different randomly through a python script and hsetroot.

I guess decking out my box is as close to relaxing as I’m gonna get :

Day dreams

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Hmm, an interesting idea but one that would take much more skills then I have and a few thousand bucks to even play with :

When stuck in traffic in front of a “road closed” sign, I was thinking about how we could possibly find out how far it goes without having to go around the other way and have a look see. The city does have a webpage for listing such things, but uhh it’s a bit of a joke — both in design and upkeep. The first thing that came to me was a satellite but that’s not really feasible.

Then it hit me, what about a UAV? It’s a very nifty thing to be able to send a UAV in advance to scout things out but this isn’t the US Army lol. Then I thought about something else… What about an radio controlled helicopter kit? If one could be modified with suitable sensors and communications link, you basically would have a poor mans UAV for short range aerial recon hehe.

Figure, if you could get an aerial on the kit that can establish an encrypted ad-hoc network connection to a laptop, it would be a way to send a video stream between the two devices. Heck, if one knew enough about electrical engineering, a cellular smart phone could probably do both internet and video, if a VPN could be sorted to connect to the phone or something.

Getting jiggy with a smart phone like that would also save having to figure out a main board that can run a conventional wireless adapter. *Sigh*, it is a really nutty idea any way you think of it but it would be a cool idea, even if it’s just a day dream :

Maybe I’m just a crazy spider lol.

EDIT:

Looks like a company actually makes stuff like this hehe.


RC Helo turned UAV

Ahh, sometimes I love having a laptop.

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I’m sitting here, just sorted the volume on realplay and posted an entry on LJ. When lo and behold, there is a flash of lighting, a stroke of thunder, and the power fails. Just long enough to cut the internet connection, reset every clock in the house, e.t.c. I’ve reset the clocks and pulled my laptop off the A/C, probably should shutdown in a few just in case I need the battery power later… Well, can’t say I’m not paranoid!

I know ya can’t win’em all but wouldn’t it be kind of cool to have a fighting chance? Or am I just managing to get intoxicated on bottled water, to even think of such an idea >_>. Coding until I pass the fuck out might not be much of a night but hey, it beats a lot of the alternatives right now. It’s not like I’m going to have any rest before work tomorrow anyway :

Another day older and deeper in insanity.

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Another day as good as gone…

Managed to get through work in one more or less antagonized piece. Had a few grapes on the way home but otherwise skipped lunch altogether. Joined TG#1 for some of Snipers training, managed to spend some time with Ghost, Jonsi, Nick, and Caern. Really, it’s the most gaming I’ve done all month :. One thing I am glad of though, in the rounds where I was the “last man standing”, I generally did good !

I think Caern was a little surprised by the speed of my pistol whippin’ backhand hehe. A tango popped the door behind me in an area I was being cautious about clearing, snapped around and plugged ~5 .40 Caliber rounds into the threat and slammed the door shut in an eye blink >_>. I’m proud to say though that in the end, Nick, Caern, and Me managed to complete the mission without casualties hehe.

I was quite delighted to have a few time to join a few old friends in my “office” on XFire. Hmm, them were some good days (y). But sadly, I didn’t have much time to spend with my friends… As the Chief FH decided it was time to monopolize my time on a project. Why bother though? By my experience and mathematical capabilities, I estimate the supplies stored int he car will be just as shitty and disorganized within 3 years or less the way things are.

Honestly, I’ll never understand it… She creates her own problems and wants the rest of us to deal with it, then applies it recursively… FFS at least be consistent in a purposeful manor. Wait, wtf am I saying? This is my mother we’re talking about lol.

Had triple helpings of dinner… About the only real meal I’ve had all day +S. What can I say? I’m like a camel: living on flumes but still workin’ like a dog. Shit, I need a vacation!!!

But this isn’t the kind of business where you get a vacation, without having to work your ass off along the way; let along a vacation alone.

A green organge

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I really need a vacation, one far far way… Away from fuck heads like those that surround me.

Is it to much to ask to be respected at least as much as a person with an IQ of 5? Heh, lving here I wouldn’t be surprised if my IQ was less then that ^_^. I’m just so dang tired of suffering fools…


I don’t like to repeat myself, repeatedly; I don’t like tobe treated like a recursive function when not given an algorithm that can be solved by recursion — you ask me a question 10 times with only 2 answers, you’re likely to get the *same* answer 10 times, or given the bird. I’ve actually never seen a spoken question that would fit well with recursion, other then to annoy people.

I’m tired of FucKheads who think I have absolutely nothing to do, that could possibly be more important then what they want done, instantly! I’m tired of being bossed around by those without any competence on the subject… (Flibin’ parental unit). After 20 years on earth, I’d rather think I have something called a brain by now?

I’m just so fucking tired of this fucking place…….

Earlier when questioned about my ‘short temper’ and ‘disrespectful’ attitude of late, I rathe felt like shouting:

“You don’t respect me, why the hell should I respect you fool?”

I don’t suffer fools well!!!!

People that never learn, piss me off royally… How many times do you have to annoy someone before you find out your annoying them ^_^.

What is incontrovertible is that for all of humanity, there are people that you would rather not have to deal with, and those people, throughout history, are the Fuckheads. — David R. Kendrick

There is a very large element missing in my life, if my life could be classified as a life these days… Maybe if it wasn’t for that, this hell would be more bearable?

I’d probably still be RPTFO 90% of the time but at least 10% of the time could be worth while >_>. There’s just nothing I can do about it, short of shooting the mother fuckers and going to jail… That actually might sound preferable to some people but I’m not willing to do anything like that.

I just want so peace in my life without getting drastic, is that to much to ask for?

To be treated like a damn human being, not some kind of sub-human slave creature..

To be free to do as I need, not ordered about by incompetent dip shits.

To actually be able to use *my* free time as *I* see fit, as I’ve often said/thought:

“GOD is the only person allowed to control my life without my permission and your not GOD !!!!”

I don’t want to have a damn headache every day — fucking fuck heads !!!

One thing I like about my times around [SAS], I’m a *person* who *makes* himself *useful*… Around here, I feel more like an *asset* waiting to be *used*… Maybe [SAS] has spoiled me by actually treating me kindly? I dunno anymore.. but they sure beat this place lol.

My ~/Documents/Personal folder fills up every now and then, because generally when I’m miserable or have strong feelings… positive or negative, I usually write what I feel. It’s not like anyone around this place listens or cares, just another fact of life in this rats nest.

I’d rather leave it behind, sit around a campfire, and mutter “just another memory to burn” but I know I’ll probably never be free.

Wouldn’t it be nice, not to walk through hell each day, for no purpose other then the ‘joy’ of others at watching the thrashing about.

I think I’m going to bed, the config, settings, and search modules can wait for another time… And I also need to dig out my last PC-BSD disk, I downloaded the last release ISO just in case but don’t want to burn a disk if I don’t have to. Over this weekend I want to get to work on those articles for Olander.

Another week of working like a dog, without rest in between… But at least this weekend, I’ll be off work 3 days… So the only problems should be the fuckheads that like to monopolize my life without permission and keep me from getting stuff done during my free time. What I *want to do* is work on NPM, [SAS], the articles for Olander, and tie up a few loose ends…

How much time I actually get to spend on any of it over the 26-28 ‘th remains to be seen, knowing my family :

I need a freaking vacation !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Tired… I think my sleep/work patterns of late are starting to get to me :

Manged to get some time in on TG#1, even if it was some ‘solo’ dynamic assaults.

I’ve also gotten another module imported, and another that would be ready if I didn’t have to port it from using the Qt3 Support library… lol.

It shouldn’t take to much work to get the portconfig module ready for import but, my brain needs some rest :. And I’m stuck going back to work soon (an ~hour) on top of it 🙁