Pouring gasoline on an open fire – FML.

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Yesterday, well, relatively speaking; 3 hours sleep is enough for me to call it yesterday irregardless of hours passed, even if I’ve been up since 2am local lol. Beyond having to authorize my mother to deal with the issue (as she was the master mind), I was largely ear shotted into a phone conversation that came as little surprise.

Some years ago now (bah), the place that my high school course work was with, was getting pissy about the massive over times involved in getting it done. A lot of working hours (from 1 day a week, to 3 jobs per day per week) and a lot of self-studying else wheres on my own, tends to make for homework that’s about as challenging as breathing, and thus makes for limited interest in getting it done promptly. Eventually I knuckled down on it between busy seasons, because a H.S. diploma or G.E.D. would be required to have any chance of moving forward later (now near future). Her Royal Pain however decided to change distance “Schools” after getting annoyed with the first companies policy on sending out text books. That lead to me having to go through a fresh reboot on another set of course work with a new company.

Which I gave up working on after a few cycles, because I knew there would be zilch chance of getting that glorified piece of paper, once my mother stopped paying the damn thing off: reaching the point of calling it a brush off! Plus knowing that any long term savings of my own, would likely end up towards paying off her debts rather than catching up with a GED later (which came to pass twice, as she acquired debt since then).

The principal issue of yesterdays call, was that the company wants their outstanding balance paid off; blood from a stone anyone? My mother managed to lie herself into a corner about it, by using her recent health issues as an excuse to cover cheating them out of the money years prior, and I do believe court was mentioned :-S. The real royal screw however, is since the mega bitch saw fit to run the bills for the course under my name instead of her own that time out, it’ll likely be my arse if anything comes of it. I knew consenting to that stipulation, just for a chance to work towards finishing HS, was going to come back and haunt me someday… family is too good at fucking me over. If things were still as they were in Charles Dickens era, my mother would have become well familiar with debtors’ prison over the years, and this affair would aqaint me with one. Luckily things have changed a lot since then. So much as anticipated, if there ever been any decency of credit associated with my name, it’s well flushed: and that tends to cause trouble later on, in modern America o/. As if I didn’t have miserable enough a mood already.

The really ironic thing in this whole mess? High school and a loving heart is what made a slave of me in the first place. When I was something like 15~16 years old, ma decided to start her present business as a way to help pay off the coming course work, and to save up for when things were to get tighter; thus invalidating my employment plans. I was asked to ‘help‘ out with the work, because part of it would be going towards paying for my schooling: and I’ve gone unpaid since. Sure enough in the end: no diploma to be reached, my mother wouldn’t know how to save a dime if you beat her with one let along before the bottom dropped out, and I’ve spent the last 6 1/2 to 7 years of my life, being used and treated like a slave for it all. Arguably I would have been better off, taking the antifreeze cocktail out of here in the early 2000s, instead of discovering a reason to live for the rest of my life. Instead I’ve had to spend the last 4-5 years, all but imprisoned here.

To quote a friend: Fuck My Life.

Joys of being home and in a dark mood

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  • Not being allowed to get anything done
  • Not being respected enough that it may be assumed that you have anything to get done
  • No one cares that you have anything to get done
  • Mood is irrelevant at home as in the work place o/
  • Getting pissed on is still the norm.
  • Yet another reminder that no body cares.

Need I go on?

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Now this article by Paul Graham was one that I thoroughly enjoyed. Although it might not be obvious to outsiders, it’s actually rather tastey for its wit ;).

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In my web travels, I’ve just come across an interesting web-focused application and service, called Teambox. So far it seems to offer, a rather interesting stack of tools. Assuming it could be suitably extended into the neccessary work flow, by adding things such as SCM integration, code reviews, and issue tracking, it would be darn freaking useful.

Little old me, is used to projects where the best things in life are e-mail, XMPP, and Git, hahahaa!

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My brother turned out to have a double agenda to showing up on Mother’s Day, not surprisingly. To deliver a gift, and find an easy supper while his wife was out of town lol.

Our mother finally got what she has been wanting: one of their new puppies. He’s a dark fawn coloured Chiahuahua, something like 8 weeks old, and so adorable it’s gotta be illegal. It’s her dog, but obviously means that I’ll be the one to to get cussed at over its care. That means yours truly has to worry about cleaning up after it, feeding it, watching over it, and so on and so forth…. plus walking him when he gets older. I also have to hear about every minute detail twenty times, and be pushed for help in naming him o/. Guess I’m the last slave who thinks people should look after their own responsibilities.

I’ve had to grown through hearing every dumb question imaginable, and as usual when my mother is involved, answer things by repeating myself 3-5 times! It’s annoying as hell to start with, let alone when you consider that I may be the only asshole in this family, who doesn’t deserve a hearing aid.

The only good thing I can say about trying to serve between land minds and war-bait, is we had stop off for my brother to pick up a pack of smokes and to take the puppy to see one of my mothers best friends. So I got to see their dog Nikita, which is a 100+ pound Boerboel; my brother was scared of her lol.

Fortunately dinner went well, only stressors being thrown about; my brother took over my computer to piss away the time playing FarmVile on Facebook, I gave him a temporary PC user account  named ‘moron’, in order to keep him out of my session. I can clear it off the linux box tomorrow.

If near future plans work out, I think my friend is right, we do need a drink stronger than water.

A chuckle in a bleak day

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They just made a crack on the radio, that Toby Keith once set an alleyway on fire as a kid: and wasn’t afraid of the police finding out, just that he knew he was gonna get it once his mom found out xD

Why I utterly hate sending cards…

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They tend to take forever to find/create and to fill out for the occasion :-S. I rarely will send a card, unless there’s some target meaning to it, some sense of exposition. Be it a goal to bring a smile to someones face when things are going rotten, or wish them a great holiday. A lot of thought goes into the process of me sending a card, trying to find something that is both appropriate, and can help express to the receiverwhat was intended.  In retrospect of the years, I reckon I should just be thankful for the practicality of e-mail; making something elaborate by hand and mail, takes even more effort, on top of the mental toll. Even worse before modern graphics software was invented lol.

Mother’s Day, in particular is a pain. Both in the sense of trying to express emotion, bring something positive… and having to make a dance around, ones that are sadly just not usable, although I truly wish they were (with a straight face). Like wise, when my mother is concerned:, having to even more carefully study the matter before hand, in order minimize the potential points for blacklash over it. Which is a matter that stings in it’s own right, let along the former. I’m well familiar with the painful consequences of failure.

The positive parts of my life, have thought me how to be thoughtful about the people I care about, the miserably parts have made me learn how to navigate a mine field without losing any limbs in the process. FML.

A segment from the other hand.

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Just a little bit ago, the original The Lion in Winter went off, and for as many times as I’ve seen it over the years, I have got to admit, tonight is the first time I didn’t sleep through half of it! Given the timing, it hits oh so richer a cord than normal. How much similarity to it, have I not seen? Even down to the knives, it is not such an alien thing, as I honetly wish it was.  I have often wondered, if someday I’ll look back upon things, and chant just something else to burn… to cast memories into the flames of some fireplace.

I sat and watched, enjoying the film for a change, and listening to my mother mock me with almost every comment to the screen; both of us morons in many cases.  Should I say,that I’m no stranger to hatred, even if I’ve never learned how to hate. She’ll obviously be in finer form tomorrow,  and the only alternative to causing greater damage, will be to pipe down and take whatever is thrown out there. The most that I can hope for, is that tomorrow passes by quickly. Take a few hours to pick out a Mother’s Day card, that will likely be thrown back in my face, sooner or later. My brothers supposed to make a rare appearance at some point, so I know that by night fall, I will likely be regretting staying sober. If I’m lucky, I’ll be permitted to make due with being insulted in the third person, from within ear shot; rather than having a big red bulls eye painted on me for target practice o/.

For the past few days, I’ve neen in a particularly black mood: or as I would have described Friday, a day within sunshine. Living in onslaughtist territory just serves to pick open scabs; I doubt anyonean understand that section of me, but my family always knows how to stab until they find it,without fail. Mother’s Day is a day that I’ve almost come to dread, *sigh*. Why? Because it’s impossible to avoid the things that tend to come with it. This is a segment in that larger side of my ‘black mood’.

Time to get stuff done, and try and find an hours sleep or two….

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This was drafted a couple days ago (~2), I’ve decided to just edit and annotate it rather than rewrite it.

After giving about a day to see whether or not progress would be made with GCHQs server plans, I formally gave Operation Charlie the green light: extending “An Offer from an Ex-Patriot” to the leadership of [SAS].

This consisted of a short brief with supplemental material to coincide with [SAS]_Maj_WIZ’s obvious two pence worth in accusations. Attached was the offer itself: essentially that I would provide a share in my personal hardware/network resources, to furnish [SAS] with a temporary game server. According to the brief, starting off with one RvS server, and if up to the load, a SWAT 4: TSS server0; but however due to timing issues (See prev-reference to the major) beyond my control, [SAS] would either have to make do as guests on my TS3 or make other arrangements for VoIP. I also noted that depending on when the accept/reject/fu reply was received, my system could be deployed within 15 minutes to 24 hours.

The agreement in the PDF attachment was fairly simple, mostly serving to shield me from any legal liabilities: namely that GCHQ would have to yield any right to kick at yours truly hosting an `[SAS] Interm Server`, delegating adminlogin to [SAS], and like wise making GCHQ responsible should the affair incur any unexpected / freak costs of operation associated with the long term use of it. The ability to print, sign, and therefore scan the document was also provided. All things being what they are, I will only provide the machine under the specified terms being taken into agreement. I reckon that only the OIC or 2IC in absence of the OIC, can appropriately accept the offer without a consensus of some sort among GCHQ. My reasons for enforcing this, has to do with the actions of the Major and Lt. Colonel leading to my resignation: that I while I’ll still put my back into such a breach, I will not do so with a potential noose around my neck for doing so; and their actions would leave a noose there without such an agreement in place. Nothing personal, purely business.

My offer was delivered May 6th, to the four members of [SAS] GCHQ, to the fullest extent of my ability, and the Major has been both personally and professionally aware of my (this) emergency action plan for a couple of years, should it ever be needed in time of trouble. So far, only [SAS]_Capt_JB has shown any regard for this, [SAS]_Maj_WIZ generally expressing indifference and retreat into non-SAS games (What is the old saying, that Nero fiddled whilst Rome burnt? I’d almost call recent affairs treason), [SAS]_CO_Random and [SAS]_Capt_En4cer demonstrating utter uselessness or a shameless level of absenteeism.1

I am more aware of [SAS]’s long term server plans than most, in fact, generally pre-dating NTFs silly Memorandum of Understanding. The purpose of my interm host being offered, being meant to serve as a stop gap until the more permanent solution can be deployed by GCHQ, or if necessary some other arrangement being made if it doesn’t pan out. I find it some what ironic, that quite probably if the ex slackers had dealt from the top of the deck, [SAS] may have been perfectly set financially for another ten years at costs far lower than NTFs with only the cost of a few problem-children to shuffle out to clean the deck for the long haul. Instead the present huddle must be crossed first. Ahh, the bitter sweet retrospect of I told you so ages ago, coming to pass:  it usually tracks my minds for-thought even if I oft’ choose not to say it.

Having been placed into a position, where no other choice remained under my code of conduct but to turn in my warrant, has not changed my feelings towards [SAS], not the part of it that means something. My loyalty was always given to a vision, never to any single or group of members. That why, even from outside the [SAS], I would still extend my hand.

So far, I have received no formal acceptance or rejection of my offer, and if things continue as they are headed, I expect that [SAS] will be totally server-less until GCHQs aims are achieved, or some hurting member pulls a Noer2.

The honest question, is accept, reject, or ignore: whether to take this do-nothing response lying down or take it with axe and sword in hand. As a friend inadvertently reminded me, as I once used to say: when the boat springs a leak, my way is not to jump overboard but to fetch a bucket and help the engineer. That never really has changed about me… lol. Thus, it poses to me the problem: do I watch something that I gave a quarter of my life to in loyal and selfless service to, risk perishing into the abyss, or do I lock, cock, and rock in hopes of bringing order to chaos?

In thinking about this problem, I began trying to evaluate whether or not [SAS]_Maj_WIZ’s recent actions are on par with high treason against the [SAS] 22nd Elite Virtual Regiment, and [SAS]_CO_Random in strong dereliction of duty as good as constituting such, or if they are actively attempting to rip the walls down upon members heads. Random and En4cer may be two of the best officers in [SAS] history, and on a sadly short list of decent ones, but at present are totally useless beyond Randoms financial backing. If the equation evaluates true to treason in the end, and I play that card full force, arguably I could even choose to do so as a senior [SAS] member: as the retention of my data publicly indicates that the resignation of my warrant has not (as of yet) been accepted by the Officer In Charge. That thought, than leads to a pair of sub equatables: can [SAS] survive without them any better than it can with, and what would charging them with treason, make of me? Perhaps I just have good sense enough to do things the proper way, rather than turning underhanded or petty about it. In my opinion these (in)actions have come to warrant expulsion or demotion of a few officers, either now or in the future.

Edit: Since this entry was originally drafted, as if fortune would smile upon a loyal sons troubles, through association with a certain development project3 that I’m involved with, it is possible that [SAS] may be able obtain access to an extremely sexy4 server at such a low cost that would make NTFs heads spin around in circles until it flies off into the stratosphere from the shock. I’ve taken the liberty of informing the Major of this possibility. I’m also willing to make the necessary communication and logistical arrangements to make things happen.

I’ve received no pertinent response from [SAS] on that offer either, but it’s been less than 24 hours on that.

footnotes:
0: Since this was drafted, I’ve heard Walker runs a temp SWAT 4 server whenever he’s gaming.
1: First CO sign I’ve had since well before throwing in my warrant, was seeing the forum index last indicating that Random had posted in the Officers Mess.

2: Noer once came to the rescue, putting his wallet where his heart was after Bronco resigned, taking [SAS]’s only SWAT 4 server with him.
3: Encapsulated Package Installer, EPI ftw!
4: As in such a sexy beast, that you would sell your grandmother and your left nut just for a tenth of that boxes computing power and network pipe!