Captain's Log Supplemental

Home from dinner…

All you can eat at the golden corral. I think I had like a helping per year hehehe. I must’ve walked in their with a hollow leg or some thing 🙂 Ate for like an hour and a half straight ! If I had any where to put it… I think I could eat another 3 plates lol. On the way home I had to let an extra notch in the lap belt :/

Needless to say, we don’t eat out much. And that’s good for me, or else I’d have to work out more often. And I hate exercise ! My brother took us out for dinner, between the lot of us. 19, 29, 38, and 59, all together we’d have to be like 145 years old loool.

All was good, fat happy spidey hehehe. Then I noticed on the trip back the sun was starting to set, and it made me think of where I’d rather be… Sitting under a tree watching the beautiful sun set.

Did get to spend most of the day on line in the SWAT4 server though. Room clearing with Duke and Miles, and a bunch of others. I think it may be time to start drilling the crap out of our SWAT4 division when it comes to working in larger Elements and more Complex plans. But Miles might have a good point, best to finish the SOP rewrites first lol.

I feel like a fat horse, an overweight one at that ! I’m glad I’ve only got one Birthday in a year or I’d get fat from all the food ! Think I might raid the RvS server tonight for some late night training.

now if I wasn’t still hungry………

Laugh out loud !!!!

If I didn’t have a family history….

I think I’d be drinking, but I do so I know better.

Leave it to family to drive you to thinking about it….. lol

To day, I’ve seen one of the mos thorriable things.

I know a lot of shit has hit the fan lately but this hurts me to see it…

When I joined the server this afternoon. The [SAS] were taking the front, Claudia was taking the ear. Being careful to avoid the other players. When I joined this evening. While every one was going into the stairs to head for the hostage. She was going for the only other area in the map.

8 players on the server, a server known for its team work. And she was effectively choosing to play alone. By the end of it she finnally started to join in a bit.

When I know damn well a few days ago, she would’ve been one of the lead assualters heading for that hostage… it pains me to see this. Some one with such potentional, for as long as I can remember. When ever a Women as tried to join the [SAS], some things always happened that sent it going tits up.

The first, car accident while she was deployed.

The other, well not much to be said.

Claudia, to much bullshit under the bridge.

The only other candiate for first women in [SAS] (history afaik). I will never ask her about it. Because I have to much respect for her, her family, and her clan.

I’m a very simple sort, I love RvS and I love S4. Which I play, is usually dependant on other people. If JB’s in RvS, I’ll probably head there unless I feel like being alone. If Lazko and Miles are on SWAT4:TSS I’ll probably head that way.

Maybe I’ve just been around long enough to notice.. The old customs of team play on our servers. But this has got to be the worst thing I’ve seen in 2-3 years of time on the server.

I can’t stand to see this, its just not right. Although the kidn of person I am. I’d provide cover just the same, unless told to stop being myself… Just the same, I’d end up following Sniper or Medic if they were around. Or vice versa, just the norm. I’d prefer to be in the middle of the Hostage Rescue, its how I like to play. But still much of the time, I’d rather follow a good team mate then take the objective my self.

Business is business, its different from personal issues for me. Needless to say, I don’t let me feelings for others get involved. If I had issue one promtion suggestion, it’d go for who I thought most able to handle the job… or not at all. I’m the same way when it comes to managing the server.

If they are nice, I am nice, if they want to cause trouble, I show them the door, if they don’t like the door, I push them through it. I’m lucky though, I’ve rarly had to do that. I hope I’ll never have to do that to Claudia, nore any one else (ban). But I can’t consider Server Regulars any different froom other people… more leniant perhapes but of course. I have to respect my peers. This is very sad… She showed such great potentional at first. But what can I do about it? nothing…. lol

I’ve only seen her good side on the server, but can’t argue with the admin actions of my friends. I suppose I should be thankful in a way, having a Woman on the server has reminded me. I’m much more a gentleman then I used to think. Peronsally I think thats saying some thing, considering as such things go. I may as well have been raised in a barn. But lately the ol’bones have shown their colours. Maybe its just a southren thing… dunno, but its how I am. I’d rather be the proverbal “nice guy” then a lot of other things lol.

Well, in a few days I’ll be having my 19th Birthday.

I’ll be working a usual shift, one cleaning job, one pet run. Might end up having an All You Can Eat Resterraunt trip later on. Won’t be any water at home, since they are working on the pipes. Just another day on the calendar…

One nice supprise, my *usual* gift came in, My only living Grand Father usually sends me about $200 for my Birthday, and at Christmas time to.

The envolope was so thin, I nearly mistook it for a postcard.. So I knew it was from him. He never sends me a card, just a check. I’m gratful… but

Just one year I would like a card !!!

Even if there was no check, the card would be nice. But, I guess it shows he knows I’m alive.. never seen him beyond a picture. I remember talking with him on the phone briefly some years back. I don’t know how much longer I’ll ever have the chance to meet him, so well. It would be nice lol.

Maybe I’m strange, but money is just money. Its paper, it can buy stuff. Trade cash for goods ya. But with a card, at least you know they care… well I know its not his style to send a card.. or a note lol.

For the large part, I have no money during the year. The only real cold hard / petty cash supply I have. Is what ever I get for my Birthday and for Christmas. So maybe $500 for a whole years income. Not a lot really, especially the way I am. With me, I have no problem spending a lot of money… its easy enough in life. But when I *do* spend money, I spend it wisely.

Normally, I split it with my mom. Because I know she’s tight on funds all the time. For Christmas, I usually use my share for shopping. I love to give… I love to get… but damn I hate shopping for people !!!! Although I do like to go and oogle at the local Best Buy xD. I figure when I was a kid, I collected enough crap…. man as well spend it on others.

Considering what the outlook on life is, I think it would be wise to save it all for a rainy day. But I’ve got other plans..

Not sure i f I’ll be able to do both of the things I’m thinking about. But on one hand, it should help some one whose really got a bill to pay off. And on the other side, to help those that have been very good to me for a long time. Its not some thing I can do all the time… if I could I would, but I just can’t afford to.

I’m the kind of guy, if I had a lot of money. I’d use it for good, well. If I was rich I’d also have about 20 PC’s laying around but lol thats me. A charity would have VIM to thank, and if I had a wife. She’d me well taken care of lol. And I could remind those around me, just how much I care for them. You could say my family and friends mean a lot to me. Strangle them to death one minute, fight to the death for them the next.

I’d love it if some day. I’d have the money to be able to help… and not have to worry about my family eating at the end of the week.

*sigh*, I’ve never had a lot of money, don’t expect to. And I don’t really want a lot. I’d settle for just enough… keep my family taken care of without having to worry about paying the bills.

I suppose, I’ll never know that. But while I do have some spare change around. I’d like to put it to good use.

Why is it I can never sleep ??

Ever since I was little, unless I’m.. lmao I don’t even know the word in English.. just spoken in Italian ! Never realized that. Basically, ready to drop is when I sleep.

I’ve been thinking about the past, and fearing the future. To put it mildly GOD, [SAS], and maybe the Dogs are really the only good things to have impacted my life in recent years. Once I contemplated suicide but I couldn’t figure out a fool proof way. When I finally did, I had just found my reason for living. I guess it could be guessed from my word ordering which that was.

As for the other, the one place where my sanity is preserved… Online is the one place I’m free. I can be me and not have to deal with the consequences (read aggravation) from those that are against it. I live in the freest country in the world.. but I’m not a free man. But with the [SAS] I have some thing to look forward to. I’d rather be spending time with my teammates clearing rooms then a lot of the other crap I spend my days doing.

I just wish there was some thing more to my life, some thing different. Its hard to put my finger on it.. but I know its missing one way or the other. And there’s nothing I can see to do about it.

I remember some thing I once wrote, today I know not if it would have been better to have burned it or not. But.. its, dang blast. It must be going on 3 years now. You could say if the saying “You can’t get blood from a stone” was true… the Stone was once made of flesh. Now of ash.. Maybe I should just try to sleep, but then I lay awake and think. My thoughts overwhelm me. One thing I love about the [SAS]…. While its like my home away from home, its *not* like my home ! If it was, I don’t think it would be the same. For me, I’m an [SAS] man till the day I die, or the day they ban me lol. Someday, I think I’d be one of the happiest people in the world. If I lived to see one of my Children (if my life ever leads that way) Join the team. Randoms probably the longest time member, hope he aways is lol. But I’d rather like to still be one 30 years from now. Some how I wouldn’t be surprised if the teams still here in the 2030s even if I’m not alive to see it.

….. Why can’t I just sleep !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do I need to bang my head against the wall till I lose consonance ? I’m tired to death of thinking yet I can’t stop thinking. I lay back, and see my past behind me. And I see whats missing in my future ahead of me. I just don’t know what to do any more.

Life is killing me, bit by bit it is. I know it is, but how do you fight some thing. When the only ways you know how, are irrelevant to the problem. My failures haunt me, my successes drift in the moon light. What is the sum of my life I wonder? What will I say when that final day does come? I’m not sure. Other then I’ll probably have to say “I fucked up” about a number of things. But, with luck that’s a good ways away. Part of a life time to overcome. Still, I stand only to be pushed aside, knocked over.

Why ? I don’t even know any more, and how the f!$$@ did I learn to type what passes through my mind almost as fast as it occurs to me !? Have I really been around the computer that much… well, I’ve practically been around one since I was 5 years old. I just don’t know any more. Life sucks…

I need rest, I need to relax, but that will never happen. I don’t rest, I exist
To be patronized, assaulted, corrupted, but what else is there? I’m tired of all the bullsh1+ just tired of it.. But if I break from the course, I hurt others. The people I care about, even if they tend to hurt me.

I’m not free to do as I wish, nor am I liable to torment. But wtf is there to do ? I’m losing my mind bit by bit. There’s no one there to see it. No one to care.. I don’t, know any more what I’m doing.

Why can’t my life change for the better? The steps I take, are always out maneuvered. Damn it, why can’t I just have rest, to be at peace for a change. I need some thing, but I don’t know what it is. Don’t know how to correct it all.

In the [SAS], I’m treated as a human being, I’m not a fool, not slave. Just, a Spidey. The rest of the time (irl), I’m probably lucky..

I can’t take this any more, I’ve got to try and sleep. Enoughs enough, but a mallet would probably be better.

One versus many…..